today was long and hard.

as i scrubbed my bathrooms and floors, only to be splashed and played on almost immediately.  i wish i were even slightly exaggerating, i thought, damn i have a good life.

later as the day progressed, and the kids began the terrible bewitching hours my soul started to slowly get darker and darker. i felt angry and anxious. so many cries. so many whines. so much touching of mommy. and then i sink into my hole that i try so hard to stay out of. when i feel like my world is nothing but black i try looking up for a glimpse of light. "please don't let me go back to how i was last month." the lowest of depression i'd ever felt in my life. i wanted to be in a coma, i couldn't even handle my own emotions. my mind, spirit and soul couldn't bare to be with my physical body. not even a good hard prayer could help. it was depression all right. and it came with an entourage. anxiety, panic attacks, crying over nothing. i couldn't even watch tv, it made me too angry.

i slowly slipped out of my PMDD and i started to feel like life was being injected back in my veins. my heart didn't weigh 100 pounds, my heart rate slowed down, sunshine in my soul.

and then 28 days later the same demon comes back to haunt my body and mind.

Jeremy took me on a date tonight. i couldn't believe i was able to make it out the door with the kids without punching a wall. it felt liberating to drop them off and drive away in silence. i didn't even feel like talking. i soaked in the silence. sucking in deep relaxing breaths. Jeremy and i didn't need to talk. we both knew what we wanted. peace.

when we arrived home after out date anxiety hit again. the crying started back up. "no naps!" "i want a bottle!" "i want to sleep in your bed!".

Jeremy and i laid our children down, and they put up a hard fight. i dragged my body to my bed and collapsed with exhaustion. "i can't do this anymore. i need a break. but i feel guilty leaving my children." we started talking about back when we dated. how stupid and young i was to have made the mistakes we made. i tried explaining it in words. "this sounds awful, and i love Conrad, and i wouldn't take it back, but i would. how could we have been so irresponsible? why weren't we more safe? i said.
" and..., i know we could take a vacation, and even if we sleep all day, i still have two big responsibilities waiting for me at home. that will never go away. they are mine forever and i can never go back to the way things were. the only thing that mattered was me, and i miss that. its just so much to take in, you know?" Jeremy nods and understands. "and it will get different. as they grow older, we'll have new problems to worry about" Jeremy explains. suddenly i feel even more overwhelmed. "i know." i said with my head on his chest.

sometimes its too much to think about. i am no longer just Lauren. i am in charge of two (three?) people and their well-being. can i take on this task? its so hard when i feel so low.

when i feel this way i want to rebel. i don't want to go to church, wear my garments, have relationships with family members. i feel out of control and i just want to be treated like an adult. the constant worry of the judgement i feel from my parents, Jeremy's parents. how i dress, how i raise my children. its all too much to take in.

I've never thought in my life i'd come to such a low and happy place in my life. my whole entire life changed one fall night. i sat in my boyfriends bathroom alone, with a plus sign staring me right in the face. i look at the towel rack with my mouth open. tears welling up in my eyes. "how will i tell my mom?".

i'd say i had a happy ending luckily to all this madness. heavenly father knowing what was best for me. he knew scarlet was supposed to come quickly after, and for what ever reason he thinks i can do it. i hope i can. its just really hard some days. and today, was one of those days.

hap. i. ness.

oh hi there. do you come here often? wanna order a pizza? i'll tip.

lately I've been so unseasonably emotional lately. which makes a lot of sense considering i just ended my period (OH HI THERE TMI) and I'm all like WHAT THE HEY body? usually before i start my period i am in the woes and the ohs! and the i don't wish to get out of bed today but thanks for asking conrad and scarlet. theres fish fingers in the microwave, heat it up if you get hungry. (matilda quote anyone? anyone?) so back to my pointless rant. boy have i ever been emotional. but like, the good kind of emotional where you cry over a wheat thins commercial because WHO DOESNT LIKE WHEAT THINS? and then tonight while i watched ABC's titanic i was like sobbing? and then reading a blog post on a newborn baby, i was super annoyed because i had just done my dern make up. mascara, EVERYWHERE. so, so rude.

and then tonight while scarlet requested i sing tangled for her, i felt like i had snorted a line of ecstasy i was so happy. I'm a really good mandy moore impersonator and stuff.

and then when jeremy came home from grocery shopping for chocolate he surprised me with bomb pops and i wrapped my leg around his waist and started dancing to which he replied "I'm not in the mood for this" and i laughed and danced harder and after all, he did marry a child. i like him.

and i don't even hate people like i usually do. ok lets not get carried away, i still loathe a few people. and I'm not even on anti depressants!

and isn't this an odd post? its the after my period high. its really nice. but did i mention i PMS like whoa? its bad. but i won't think about that now, i'll think about that tomorrow. after all, tomorrow is another day.

seederdai

this saturday started off fantastic!

jeremy let me sleep in! he is so good to me. he knows sleeping in is my greatest JOY! to top it off by the time i woke up the kids were already napping so i got to shower in peace and quiet. then i was trying to think of things to do on a saturday with the family. costco for pizza slices? the park again? when the kids got up jeremy left to get a hair cut and i took the kids on a bike ride. it was so nice out today! when jeremy got home he decided to wash the car. he told me to get the kids in their bathing suits. the day was quickly turning into a lazy day. conrad was obsessed with the hose and scarlet was helping jeremy wash the car. i sat outside watching my children play and it was this overwhelming feeling like, this is the best thing EVAR. this is a happy life. i'd watch conrad whip the hose around and laugh his head off. i can't even explain it. it was like, I'm going to have a heart attack, I'm so in love with right now. never had i been so happy to be sitting in the sun, watching my children play. after a rough week emotionally with all these things jeremy and i are dealing with, i honestly felt like it was heavenly father blessing me with this perfect moment. without sounding weird or cheesy it was almost a spiritual moment. my heart was bursting at the seams. i said a little prayer of gratitude, for having healthy children. for living in a house. for happy children. for wonderful moments like this that make life worth living.

we were out playing in the water for over 2 hours! conrad would pull scarlet in her wagon all around the neighborhood. up and down the street. its a long street too! he would throw a fit if scarlet would want out or if i tried getting him to walk back to our house. before i knew it, it was dinner time! i gave the kids a very bubbly bath. so splashy! we ordered pizza from this mom+pop pizza place. its the best pizza ever! a large for 8 bucks to. can't beat that. CANT BEAT IT I SAY! we put on a movie, ate our pizza and jeremy shared a bowl of girl scout thin mint ice cream with the kids. today was the perfect saturday. it didn't even feel like work taking care of the kids. sometimes when i read that people are just hanging out on a saturday i don't even think that sounds relaxing because guess what? theres no such thing as relaxing when you have kids. but it didn't feel like that at all. it felt relaxing and like it aint no thang. sook it.

and then i sent jeremy to the grocery store for a roast for sunday and he came home with these. :)

happy saturday!

family of 4.

jeremy and i decided to "take a break" from his parents and just keep it our little tight family for a while. his parents always watch the kids on fridays so we can have our weekly date night and we go to their house on sundays for dinner. and then all throughout the week as a way for me to escape the "witching hours" of my daily routine. it was getting a little much for me. it was really hard moving away from my life in california where all my friends are. i felt like if we lived there the kids would have such a wonderful life of play dates and activities (cough cough, disneyland and the beach, cough) so jeremys family was literally all i had. and lets be honest it takes a village, am i right people?!

but since we've moved back to arizona (from utah. thats a whole other post i need to write about) i have been hanging out with seriously, the most rad, down to earth chicks. I'm finally coming into my own and building a small simple life for us here. i can't tell you how great it feels to know that i can actually call someone to go to the park with me. i used to cry that before EVEN IF I WANTED TO i wouldn't have anyone to call to do that with. I'm really grateful for the few girls i know here who have gone out of their way to be my friend. i literally will not make friends because believe it or not, i am never the one to "make the first move" (wink) (non sexual pun not intended. what am i talking about?). okay but where am i going with this? I'm not quite sure.

today i went to the zoo with a really cool girl in my ward. then we met up with daddy (not MY daddy, but you know, DADDY) and went out to dinner as a family. ON A FRIDAY! and then the park. it was just so perfect. i felt so happy pulling into our driveway feeling like we had the most wonderful day as a family together. we spent our date night with our two little miniature sized dates and i hope conrad and scarlet call us because i really liked going out with them.

any way. I'm slowly writing in my blog more for me and it seems odd that other people can read about it. i just really wanted to remember today, because it was sort of perfect. :) (and, you may throw up now.)

(scarlet saying...dude conrad, are you seeing this turtle!?)

(this is how conrad smiles)

(from the other day)

(night bike ride!)

(today from the zoo)

scarlet knew we were leaving the zoo today so she plopped herself down in the middle of the walkway and simply said "No". everyone thought she was darling :)

ba-ba.

i think we can all agree that raising children is the most rewarding, heart swelling, heart aching thing a human can do. when I'm away from my kids i feel an emptiness. life isn't complete without my kids. but this weekend i left them for two (point 5) days (2.5) (thats two and a half) with jeremys parents.

now my kids still take a bottle. and i don't care. you know why? because i can't nurse them anymore and that makes me sad. i see giving my children a bottle as a form of comfort. is conrad 2 1/2 years old. YOU BETCHA. am i ashamed he still has a bottle before bedtime? NOT AT ALL. and for those of you mothers judging me, guess what, i don't care at all. in fact i hold my head high. at the end of the day we are all so tired. we feed the kids, bathe them, and then cuddle them in their warm clean pajamas, read books and they suck on their little bottles and sink deep into mommy and daddys lap.

while we were away i told jeremys mom to give the kids their bottles. she is anti bottles!! no bottles! "grandma doesn't give bottles". i told jeremy he better tell his mom my children will have a bottle if they want one or so help me! no one denies my children of something that is comforting to them while we are away for my birthday/valentines for two nights.

when we arrived to pick them up sunday i was informed my children were not given bottles, or conrad his pacifier. jeremys mom proudly bragged and praised herself in the fact that my children didn't have a single bottle the entire time. i was so upset. i strongly felt like its not her right or responsibility to take away the bottle from my children. i am their mother and only i can and will have that hanging over my head. i felt like my whole body went numb when she kept bringing it up over and over. she was proud of herself. she said "they didn't ask for a bottle the entire time!". i know thats not true.

did my kids ask for a bottle when we got home? of course they did.

i guess my pride is hurt because i wasn't the one to take away the bottle. i don't need someone else stepping in to do my job. she even told me she tried making him go potty on the toilet. i just...thast my job you know? even if she meant well, there has to be common sense in all this.

parenting is hard is so many different ways. its hard when someone steps in from the outside and tries to tell you how to even raise your own kids. the kids i carried for 9 months, gave birth to, nursed 80 times a day to keep alive. the same children i bathed, fed, and rocked every single night of their lives. MY OWN KIDS.

thats it. how would you feel moms?

SUNDAY FUNDAY!!

Jeremy and i were asked to speak this sunday in church.

the sunday we were asked we sat in the front row FRONT AND CENTER, NICE TO MEET YOU! bonus: we came in late. so as i walked from the very back of the chapel down that long, long, aisle to the VERY FRONT ROW i could feel everyones eyes burning on my christian louboutin six inch stilettos. Okay my shoes were from Marshalls but lets not get off topic here shall we? we are giving a talk in church for goodness sakes!

As we sat in the front row I tried to remain as incognito as I could. you know, lay down on the pew, putting my face in Jeremy's coat jacket, silencing my cell phone..what normal people do when they don't want the bishopric to notice you. oh side note: we came in late that sunday. oh but did i say that already?

Church is over. We're headed out the door. FREEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! after three very long hours in half nursery/half the hallway with crying kids/the opening prayer in sunday school before the nursery leaders dragged my sorry behind BACK INTO NURSERY. (i hate you guys by the way. jk i love you. jk i hate you. unless you're reading this then you're doing a great job not calming my kids down.)

okay wait, where was i? okay. walking out of church two girls stop me to chat. they talked to me so long that a member of the bishopric just so happened to grab jeremy by the neck tie and say in a cold deep smokers voice, "we'd like for you and your wife to speak this sunday". actually he had one of those machines you hold up to your throat when you lose your vocal cords, and I'm totally joking...

I finished up talking to the girls making pretend plans with them (in my head, because i hate making play dates with girls i hardly know, SO SUE ME!). My husband and the member of the bishopric are standing there and jeremy informs me "WE'RE SPEAKING THIS SUNDAY!!" to which i replied (this is a true story) "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" (and i threw my head back)(No seriously, i threw my head back. While this poor man was just standing there.) They both laughed and I did not. NO I DID NOT. I kept a straight face and said "Well didn't you tell him we'd be out of town?! Because we're going out of town remember?!" Again they both laughed. Again I said, "no seriously, i don't want to!" and then the laughs became just a half smile. Jeremy eventually walked away and it was just me and this evil man. So I said again, "no but really, thanks for ruining my Super Bowl sunday". To which he replied by looking down at his shoes and looking so uncomfortable he'd probably rock in the corner and cry if he wasn't in a public place. I giggled my feminine laugh and said "Oh I'm just kidding!!" and then he smiled and I walked away.

On the way to the car I told Jeremy "I told you we shouldn't have gone to church today!".

okay but on a more serious note. is it safe to say i have writers block? for a church talk. because i do. i can't even think of an introduction for ourselves. I'm at a total blank.

So far I have...

"Hi, im lauren but my friends call me law rhen, JK!!!!!!!!1 and we're the hoovers! like the vacuum!!! (and i'd whisper under my breath...)"at blogspot.com"...

nursery.

hey lauren! its me, Lauren! its you! hey! you look so pretty right now. i do? thanks! no really, like STUNNINGLY gorgeous. like, you have a butt that just won't quit. seriously? yea, for reals. gee, i mean, i know but wow, all this coming from you? YES! you incredible creature.

today marked the day of both kids going into nursery!!! don't be alarmed. that noise you just heard was angles blowing their trumpets in your living room. wasn't it magical? did you get goosebumps just READING that? i know, me too. lets hold hands.

in our church. when your child turns 18 months they get to go into nursery! ---oh sorry, i'll tell the angles to stop blowing that horn. they can't help it every time you read that.

so i blissfully skipped and leaped and did lunges and ran and jumped along the wall and did cart wheels and somersaults all the way to the nursery doors. in a DRESS no less, you guys! i shoved conrad in with all my might, and gave him a glass of water, and patted him on the head and yes this is all stolen out of the grinch who stole christmas. no but really, and then TEARS. sobbing, snot dripping, hysterical tears. from my 2 1/2 year old WHOSHOULDBEUSEDTONURSERYBYNOWBUTHESNOTSOBACKOFF!!!! and scarlet? oh miss independent practically strut into nursery like she owned the place. she did a sassy black girl snap back and forth and everything. and then she taught all the girls how to do the "bend and snap" and all the boys were drooling over scarlet. oh my dear scarlet!

except, once conrad started to SOB then scarlet began to SOB and then i began to walk out of nursery and not look back. and then the nursery leader said WHY DONT YOU STAY?! and then jeremy laughed a hard evil laugh and peaced out of there! i held out my hand for him, and when the door shut i looked out that glass window and held my face right up against it and i began to sob.

so for the r453464564Ed4533435 sunday in a ROW, i was in nursery YET AGAIN. and don't get me wrong i LOVE(hate) it in there!! and then when i asked the nursery leader if they mind if i just "slipped out" she said "WHY HEAVENS NO!!! stay at LEAST 2 weeks!" (no i swear to you, she said that) and then i threw a tantrum and threw my goldfish crackers on the floor.

i dreamed of the day both my kids would be old enough to be in nursery. later suckers! mama gets 2 free hours to herself! (where obviously i would skip church, get star bucks and take a nap in the parking lot) BUT NO! they cry. and so i stay. and i do so with a heavy loving heart.

so let it be known you guys! if you think I'm inactive, just peer through the nursery doors and you'll see me, melting small small small. (primary song joke. if you're mormon you get it. if you're not, its about a snow man. you're welcome.)