but seriously. lets talk about utah.
this one time, or two, or three i lived in utah. insert emoji angry face/wince face/gun pointing to head.
okay but like heres the thing. UTAH can be really really great if you just look on the positive side of it. For instance. TRENDS! they are ON. TAH-REND, sister. i remember when i first moved there thinking i'd be moving in with two girls who wore table cloth dresses to their ankles and sported the long braid with the poof at the top. little did i know i would move in with two of the most kick ass girls i've known to date! hey nicole! remember when i stole your shirt for a date? good times. hey jamie. thanks for always bringing candy to church and letting me eat it! annnnnnd unwrapping it for me because i don't know how to open starbursts? those girls were RA-AD. like one even went to cosmo school and later went on and moved to hawaii. like who does that? WHO DOES THAT? the other married a mother freaking doctor. like WHAT?! I'm over here like, i just ate a cupcake and I'm watching saved by the bell at 4am.
but like utah knows about really cool things that us SUPER SUPER TOTALLY RAD BRO so-cal-ers don't know about.
for instance. THE OMBRE! behold the almighty ombre hombre! I'm sorry but you cannot get a proper ombre unless it is in utah, and it is performed by the almighty cailtyn cox (catcox) whilst she drinks her crest diet coke and i get to make fun of the fact her last name is cox. "so do you spell that c-o-c-k-x?…"
next: EYE LASH EXTENSIONS! like WHAT?! you can get freaking eye lash extensions? you bet your mother freaking bottom dollar you can. do you even know of such witchcraft here in california?
drive-thru gas stations: oh, its a thing. like people actually drive up to a window and order diet cokes. they don't even have to get out of their car. if you pulled that crap in california the chick behind the counter would most likely say some sort of really bad word at you. maybe even like 4 really bad words. like 5 to 6 bad words. I'm guessing she could think of 10 bad words to call you. you would have heard 15 bad words after asking for that diet coke. and another thing? whats the deal with diet coke? please see above and say that again like jerry. in fact just read this entire blog post in jerry seinfelds voice okay? you're not cool unless you drink diet coke. did you know they don't even sell any other beverage there? just diet coke. not even water. no like I'm totally serious. just diet coke. i have this theory that i don't even think any one even likes that filthy disgusting garbage. its just freaking trendy man. and you have to be on trend in utah.
freshly picked moccs. like, i don't, i just don't even need to elaborate on this subject. if you don't own a pair i know for a fact you are immediately deported from utah. no seriously guys, its true. i swear i heard the prophet say it in general conference.
J-DAWGGS. if you have not had the pleasure of stuffing your mouth with a long juicy fat greasy wiener in your mouth you have not lived your life to the fullest. just get out of here. no, leave. get off my page. get in your car, drive there right now. get a j-dawwg, extra sauce because, uh duh? and thank me later. except when you're inside theres a 150% chance your car is most likely being towed because thats a thing in utah. towing cars. its like keeping the sabbath day holy or seeing five hundred people running at all hours of the day. if you live in utah, YOUR CAR WILL BE TOWED. its like you're being initiated into utah in the crappiest way possible. "hey you're new in town?! well welcome, welcome. heres your mandatory CTR ring, a list of places that are closed on sundays (spoiler alert: everything) annnnnnd we will have a tow truck swinging by in the next 5-10 seconds so just sit tight and enjoy the dry cold weather!
Belmont: LOL, amirite? i know, i totes lived there.
Dating: its the besssssssssssssssst. you can walk around with a brown paper bag over your head and trust me sister, you are getting a daaaaaaate for friday night. i can't even count on my fingers and toes how many free meals i got from stupid guys and never returned their phone calls. hey, a girls gotta eat?
Dress code: under any and every circumstance you must never, ever leave the house unless you are fully dressed, with full pageant hair and make up on so thick you can scrape it off with your freshly manicured fingers. oh, so you want to take the trash out of your apartment? well thats going to take you at least 2 hours to get ready just in case someone sees you. most likely a hot guy because lets face it, hot guys rome the land of the mormons. so if you want that free meal at cafe rio, slab on some mascara girlfriend. sorry. circle of life, man.
mexicans/black people: its like spotting big foot. they don't exist. this is not even a joke. when you leave utah and you see another race that isn't WHITE, you're like oh yeah! i forgot about you guys! welcome back to reality bud! you just left utah.
running: everyone does it. or at least pretend they do. do you know what golds gym is? you will when you get there. have you ever worked out in make up before? aw, you're cute. well you're going to if you want to catch a husband. or not look like a TOTAL IDIOT.
fun story time! i was dating this guy on and off while jeremy traveled 5 days a week. its actually kind of sad because i was maybe sort of kind of 100% just using him for fun dates and someone to entertain me. once the weekend hit he wouldn't hear from me for 3 days until jeremy left town. so any way, back on track. i wasn't feeling well so he took me out for ice cream. in the real world, if you're not feeling well its perfectly acceptable to leave the house in pajamas with no make up on a friday night to the ice cream store. NOT IN UTAH. OH HELL TO THE NO UH UH UH. still to this day i am haunted by that night. i was literally surrounded by couples on dates, girls fully decked out and I'm this idiot standing in line in pajamas. AND NOT EVEN CUTE ONES! it was seriously humiliating. i even had my hood on. it was bad. oh, it was so so bad. life lesson learned my friend. a moment of silence if you please.
marriage!: it is my firm testimony and belief the only reason anyone would ever move to utah is to find a dude to knock her up and get dat family started yo. it is mating season 24/7 in Utah. all day, everyday. goal: MUST. FIND. HUSBAND.
(fun fact! i did! he was the first guy i met in utah and ending up marrying. fun fact number 2: on the way over to his house i stopped off to meet another boy, had a quick make out sesh and then headed over to jeremys place. he LOVES this story. so do i. classic lauren, she kills me every time)
dessert parties: thats a thing. seriously. like I'm not even kidding. you know when someone would ask you to a "kick back", well a dessert party is just like that, but with desserts. and someone trying to find a husband.
so that my friends is the sum up of utah. oh blah blah blah canyon drives, the leaves change colors, blah blah blah theres some waterfalls, you're welcome i just saved you 2 hours of your life.
in summary. only move to utah if you prefer your eye lashes fake, your ombre OMBRED and your soda handed to you through a window, oh and your car towed. twice. if you're keeping track.
|he's going to kill me, but yum.|