Friday, July 12, 2013
i remember being in a super sassy mood the day i went in for your ultrasound ms scarlet. i was filing out paperwork AGAIN and it asked me my occupation. i wrote out in big capital letters MOM and said a "suck it" in my head. psh, why else was i there ya big dumb jerks. i OBVIOUSLY had an infant in a car seat next to me. color me bitter at the time. i mean, i was shocked that you had decided to join our family so quickly.
i guess i should had seen the signs. when i'd nurse conrad to sleep the upstairs bed sheets made me sick by the smell. i guess i didnt realize my fatigue at the time because i wasn't sleeping at all anyway. i'd change conrads diapers and i felt like i had superman strength nostrils. i could smell the in n out 6 miles away if the wind would blow just right. you think im exaggerating?! because i am. but you get the point.
it wasn't until one moment in the morning when i was changing conrads diaper did i realize. i guess it helped that oprah had come over for a visit because she gave me my "ah-ha" moment. i kindly excused myself from oprah and said "listen girl, love you, hate your best friend gail but this isnt the issue right now, i need to run to a drug store PRONTO. do these pajama pants and unwashed hair make me look white trash? she snapped a picture to send to steadman but i didn't have time to wait for his response. i dashed out the door to CVS, holding my 3 month old baby handing the woman over the counter a pregnancy test. i tried not to look her in the eye but on the receipt she wrote down MTVs teen mom hot-line number. this story is 100% totally (not true) but i did buy the test and dashed home. on dasher on prancer! on comet and cupid! away we flew in our sleigh home! i handed conrad to oprah who was now eating all my potato chips and watching season 6 of her show (uh, vain much?) and took that dreaded test. i sprung for the howler pregnancy test. you know a howler? like on harry potter when they receive mail and the letter screams at you instead of just reading itself normal? it started screaming out PREGNANT! YOU ARE PREGNANT! HOLY CRAP DIDN'T WE JUST LIKE, DO THIS LAUREN?!?!
did i cry? no. no i didnt. i did what any normal new mom would do. i sobbed uncontrollably called my husband who was in atlanta at the time and what did he do? laughed. then shouted out to his buds, "hey dudes my wifeys preg!" all the while snot is dripping down to my toes and oprah is seriously ready to leave at this point. but before i asked her if she had a free car to give me. she wasn't amused.
thus it was decided you were to be a boy! a best friend for conrad! this wouldn't be so bad right? i mean suuuuuure i had gained 30 pounds with my first pregnancy i doubt i'd gain 30 more. cough...
oh but scarlet. OH scarlet. when i heard you were a girl in the ultra sound room, i shed a tear. of sadness. DAMN IT why weren't you a boy?!?! now i had to buy all new girl clothes! does that mean i have to own pink clothes? PINK? and aren't girls dramatic? and sassy? and oh my gosh what if you turn out like me?! im like, obnoxious? and im almost positive my parents tried selling me on craigslist when i was 16? girls are the worst!
fast forward 63 (give or take) months and im about to give birth to you. it was a strange birth. i decided to be induced because with your brother your dad was in atlanta and i had to wait 10 hours before he could catch a flight to watch you be born. man did that suck! i had to listen to my mother in law blurt out jeopardy answers in a rocking chair next to me during contractions. if there was any form of hell on earth that had to be it, hands down. but i decided to get an epidural and THEN be induced. how do you like me now mother nature? yeah, finally playing by my rules! i mostly just laid around and begged jeremy to feed me lemonade and chocolate covered pretzels. he said no, to all of them. hash tag: divorced. oh wait, okay so. oh! so! you're born! YES!
the nursed laid you on my chest and my very first question was, "can i nurse her?". and like magic, you and i were in the zone! i sat in silence and watched you nurse and i looked over at your father and said, lets have 10 more! this is THE BEST! he responded by not responding because he had a migraine and threw up while i was pushing! i was a really special moment. ....cough, aachoo. spoiler alert, it wasn't.
scarlet my darling, you are everything and more i could have ever dreamed for in a baby. you love to talk, and i love to talk, and its perfect! you love all things girly, and are very good at watching girly movies with me in bed. we have a special thing we do, where you lay your head on my chest and make a giggly whimper sound, and i do it back and we both love it. you will not under any circumstance do it with anyone else, and every one tries. but oh no, that is OUR thing.
sadly your favorite color is pink. how dare you. but i can maybe let it slide. you are so adventurous! im like oh hey scarlet jump in the deep end of the pool and you're like gotcha mom, I'm down. sometimes i throw a plate of broccoli and carrots at you and you're like heck to the duh I'll eat this stuff! you are not shy at all! total strangers come up to you and you pronounce yourself as scarlala, and proceed to let them know "hey my brother over there, hes a little shy. but he warms up if you give him hundred dollar bills". you prefer your bath water HOT! "no mom i like it hot! like super hot!! i want my skin to melt off mom HOT!!!!!" you are devastated when you cant go on the 40'' rides at disneyland. "i am tall enough i am!!! i promise!" i've tried sneaking you past those Nazi Disneyland workers and every time man, every time they want to measure you. I'm sorry honey. maybe we can buy you baby platforms?
gosh i am so glad you didnt end up being a boy. you love to cuddle, and tell stories to me late into the night. when i get hurt you run into my arms, pat my back and whisper in my ear, "its okay mama, its okay". and then i sort of pass out because its really too cute?
you're so fearless. to the point it scares me. you try to tell me YES MOM I KNOW HOW TO DRIVE THE CAR SO CAN I LIKE PLEASE HAVE THE KEYS NOW? and sometimes i say yes and let you cruise down sunset but only if you get your seat belt on okay honey?
you're hilarious. everyone who knows you just melts at your humor and adorable feminine behavior. you're so helpful around the house and also so sensitive. sometimes i hurt your feelings and you fling yourself on your bed and i swoon because its so cute, and all so sad at the same time. gosh, how do you do it?
you love to bake! you're always right by my side asking what you can help me do next, and if vodka is really necessary for peanut butter and jelly? you still have so much to learn scarlet.
theres no way i could handle having kids 12 months and 9 days apart if you had not been sent to me. you are so special to me. i cant even stand how adorable you are scarlet. your laugh could make Hitler grasp his cold heart and say OHMERGERSH that was ADORBZ!! you are my very best friend and sister girl, and gosh what wouldn't i do for you my love. i wouldn't let you watch barney, or any lame TV crap like that, but you know baby-steps.
thank you for being so eager to join our family. if only i had known it was you waiting so long up there for me i would have gotten pregnant 6 weeks earlier. did i say 6 weeks? i meant 16 years.
i don't even think theres words to describe my love for you. I'm not a mom who ever ever says this, but gosh i don't want you to grow up. i hope you always love to lay on my chest and play with my hair and ask to put make up on me. i hope you still ask every night to wear one of mommy's shirts to bed because you think they are special. i hope that when we finish getting ready you still let me squirt a little perfume on your wrist because it makes you feel so special. i hope you don't grow out wanting to wear all my jewelry and say all night "this is mommy's special necklace and i am being so careful with it". i hope you still will run into my room in the middle of the night after a bad dream so i can hold you and rock you to sleep until your body goes soft and slips back into dream land. i hope you dont grow out of wanting me to lay next to your bed every night while i tell you stories of princess' and evil witches and flying horses. gosh i love you scarlet victoria. thank you for picking me to be your mommy.
love forever and always and to the moon and back and etc and so forth!
Monday, July 1, 2013
i suppose i should have realized when i was pregnant that you'd be my greatest challenge.
oh the morning sickness! oh oh to the heavens i will say oh again for thou'est sucketh! and the mood swings! so many tantrums, and tears, and woes i did cry out! being hospitalized for a month on bed rest just for you my little dude. we were in this together! i laid down so you could bake just a little bit longer. i think you came out medium well, just the way i like it. sort of pink but almost fully cooked, but give him to me right now please because i'd like to nurse that pink little baby.
you could have nursed forever but your sister came 13 weeks after you were born, sucking my body bone dry! you poor thing, we both cried when we couldn't nurse anymore. but for the record we nursed the eff out of nursing! if nursing were a sport we'd score touch downs and baskets and goals and all that stupid type of boy crap.
fast forward four years and here we are. you're still alive! we should both give each other a very big pat on the back or at least a very loud cracking high five! huzzah! only how many more years to go?
i wanted you to be a boy so very much! i remember being in a small dark room and you were being very stubborn not wanting us to see if you were a she or a he. and finally ITS A BOY! rang through my ears! hash tag excited!
you are very curious and silly. you make crazy faces on demand and can ride a mother freaking bike better than any just-turned-four-year-old. you're favorite ride at disneyland is pirates and the little mermaid, which go perfectly together. kind of like popcorn and peanut m&ms? sweet and salty? yes? no? ok moving on...
you know disneyland like the back of your hand. just the way mom wanted it to be. i was so scared having you born in arizona you wouldn't know the beach and disneyland like a true son of mine should, and low and behold you are a california boy! gosh that was a close one, amirite?!
i will have you know, even though you do know, that you are the smartest! one day you asked about time so i gave you a quick run down on our roman numeral clock hanging right by the door, and since then you know how to tell time! we're talking roman numeral here people! also you love to climb on the counter and get into things you know you aren't supposed to, but you're sweet enough to come find me with a big mischievous grin on your face with (insert: knife, nail polish, fire crackers, whiskey bottle, atomic bomb here). oh! and you can count super high! like up to 20! how much higher is there? thats TWENTY! do we even know anyone that old? i don't think we do? I am three according to you after all. you know all your colors. even the really weird ones like magenta and turquoise. and doesn't that remind you of that annoying dog on blues clues named stupid magenta. she would always show up and we'd be like uh steve, please ask magenta to leave because we have to go check the mail?! which reminds me! you love to hop on your bike and pick up all the newspapers along the way from the neighbors. and for the love of sam you cannot have them taken away! because life as we know it is officially over I NEED 14 NEWSPAPERS MOOOOO'OOOMMMMM!!! i feel like i should get a salary for being a part time paper girl? i'll look into it.
on to the best part, food! you love a good chicken nugget. and will NOT try anything new unless forced into time out to PLEASE just take a lick of this ice cream cone i promise you will like it! and then you do, of course. thank me later for instilling fear and food into your subconscious. and you're left handed! like me! we can sit next to each other at the dinner table!
you are by far my greatest challenge in life. you can take that in a good or bad way. whatever, I'm easy breezy. you love a good game of hide-n-go-seek. and trains! and cars! and tractors! and your private parts! sometimes its a little too much for your mom to handle. thats where i get all sorts of confused and scratch my head and go, um...please don't use that ever? thank you? so many questions? and lets not forget about your love of whales and sharks. for there is always a whale in that glass of water, that pond, that lake, the bathtub.
you have a serious obsession with rihanna. who could blame you? and ska! and one direction! and your dad! you looooooooooooooove your dad. when dad is around I'm suddenly the broken toy or something and i go hey! i carried you around for 9 months homie! not cool, bro. except i don't mind really. because dads are sometimes way more fun, and don't have to follow you around in stilettos and worry about their hair falling flat. I'm sorry, you won't understand this concept any time of your life. just know not to touch me if you just ate. its not you, its me. call you tomorrow?
lets move on to you and your sister, scarlet. hmmm, how should i put this nicely? well. you two love to fight. over anything. no seriously, you guys will fight over a piece of trash. i've seen it with my own two eyes! i have to buy two of anything ever but that really doesn't matter because you want scarlets exact same sword even though they are IDENTICAL. you guys wrestle all day long, and kick and scream and punch and bite! but when the sun goes to sleep you two both become best friends and demand a hug and kiss from each other or you will not go to bed so help us all!!! I NEED A HUG FROM SCARLET! THAT HUG WASN'T LONG ENOUGH! WATER! I NEED WATER! I NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM AGAIN! MORE WATER! HUGS! WATER! TOY STORY! WHERES MY FREAKING BLANKET?! and then finally you fall asleep and stay in bed all night long. thanks for that. oh! how could i forget!? when it came time to potty train you, you did it all on your own. sure i tried to get you to do it, and you said nay! suck it mom! okay not really, but close. you did it when you were good and ready. so one day you decided to go potty in the toilet, and from here on out you have. you didn't even wet the bed? not once! i heard potty training is the hardest thing ever. you are so confusing to me sometimes? because you can go potty when you feel like it, but you won't pull up your underwear? i mean, you know how you just don't want to. i guess i would too if i had things my way...
we've some how made it these last four years. I'm not quite sure how, but we did. you're already becoming so big and independent. you no longer like to lay on my chest as i hum you to sleep. you're over being a baby. you're a "big boy" as you like to put it. and you are. you will always be my biggest little boy.
i love you like the day is long.