Wednesday, November 6, 2013


well. i mean, you know those days where you go to Disneyland and you can walk right on any ride? Or when someone sends you a really beautiful bouquet of red roses (is has to be red roses you fool) and you gasp and say FOR MUAH? or you have really really great steamy hot sex? like you know what im talking about? today was like that. except, lets not relate the sex part to my really good day because that would be super super really odd and gross, but i mean...who doesn't like a good old roll in the hay? can i get an amen? would you like ahnazah roll in da hay?

so okay. im done being creepy. i think.

but today! oh today!
it really was nothing special. i woke up in a sideways queen sized bed, laying next to my best friend who i call tokiko. we spent the night laughing, talking boy talk, me doing REALLY amazing yoga Skye! no. but tokiko? OH THE TOKIKO SHE HAS THE MOVES THE JAGGER! or could it be Jaguar? like the car? wonder if that song is about the car? how dumb would we all feel right now? when should i end my thought on this super important topic about a song that makes me want to smash mail boxes? is now a good time for you? let me know when you're ready to go on. 

so. you know. i woke up to a text from my mom at 5am. on the mother freaking dot. hey mom next time time you text me at 5 am, don't. and so it was, i couldn't fall back asleep (THANKS MOM AGAIN! next time text me at 4AM! its fun!) and decided to get up and take a really nice hot shower. tokiko had the most luxurious shampoos and yummy girly body wash and a luffa that was JUST the right luffa. i mean, usually you dont use other peoples luffas out of common sense and all, but we're best friends so? and can pee in front of each other so i mean, its all cool. this post is kind of going down hill fast isn't it? i wrapped myself in a warm blanket while she made us oatmeal and then i ran off to grab my kids at my parents who had them for the night. sometimes you just need a best friend sleep over, you know? the kind where you laugh super hard and prank call ex boyfriends. YOU'VE ALL DONE IT.

but what made today so perfect was just this. being a mom. insert eye roll. and drag your mouse over to the X in the right hand corner and go back to your facebook page. BUT seriously! i walked in my parents house and my darling Miss Scarlet ran into my arms, (holding a chocolate piece of cake. cool grandma points there) and gave me a big kiss on the lips. Conrad had heard i was there and ran inside the house, his cheeks all red from the cold crisp mountain air and gave me a big hard squeeze. heck! he even kissed me! on the lips! and didn't wipe it off! we're really getting somewhere.

 as we drove down the mountain home, the kids told me hilarious stories of how grandma and grandma got mad and said "UHHHGGG!!!" because grandma forgot to buy milk at costco. they talked and i listened, and i loved every dang second of it.  they asked where daddy was and i explained he was out of town far far away working. "but why isn't he coming home?" "because he has to make money for us honey!" Conrad asks about 156 kabaizaglaon (that's a real word, look it up) a day. "well why didn't he take the car? how did he get to work? an airplane?! why an airplane?! i said because hes about 1,700 miles away from us but he'll be back soon.

 You see, Conrad just adores his dad. I mean, he is the milk to his recess puffs cereal. Because scarlet cant quite keep up with him wanting to wrestle all day and he needs a man to chase him around and stir him up. Like boys do. I prefer to stay inside and play dolls, color, watch the real housewives and have a nice glass of scotch and water, hold the scotch. Listen here, I'm a girl okay? I grew up with brothers who beat me up all the dang time. I'll leave that to THOSE boys.

As we pulled onto our street Conrad begged to drive down to our house (it was like 4 houses down so everyone just calm down and don't call CPS just yet) (ahem) i promise he was 45% kind of safe. He loved it with everything in him. Must be a man thing.

The first thing we did was play cars. Bad guys and good guys of course. Scarlet found it quite necessary to strip down to her diapers to be iron man. i mean, whatever works sister. if ya got it flaunt it. I asked Scarlet, when will she potty train?! and every single time its the same answer, "in about 5 hours". Conrad dragged my hand all over the home trying to find the green bad guy car which i had NO clue what he was talking about and that's when i try to get all sorts of creative like HEY! you guys wanna go get some BB guns and shoot some stray cats?! gets em' every time. No, instead Conrad decided to play with our alarm system. I don't want to brag, but i actually do. That kid is smart! Like S M A R T. he knows the pass code, the exact buttons to push that mean we are locked in safe from bad guys and when we aren't. He could play on that thing all day long if i let him but i have this fear the police are going to show up and be like seriously dude? please stop setting and resetting your alarm 89 times a day its really exhausting.

By this time it was noon and I was so tired. (HEY MOM THANKS AGAIN FOR WAKING ME UP AT 5AM AGAIN!! THANK YOU!) so nap time it was! except, no. no they didn't want to. so while im off dozing in and out of sleep i see conrad and scarlet dashing down the halls, scarlet has pen all over her leg and conrad was crying because he had hurt his hand. I asked scarlet where did she find that pen? And she said what pen? and squatted down in the corner and said, "there is no pen? don't look at me!" she kills me dead.

after about an hour of getting these whack jobs to take naps i decided Conrad would sleep with me in my bed and scarlet in her room. Conrad and I slept side by side while i scratched his back, ran my fingers through his hair and that's when he stops acting like hes some tough 4 year old because my goodness. i had closed my eyes for a while and when i opened them back up he was staring right at me almost with the sweetest expression. i think he was happy to be having special time sleeping in Mommy's bed with me. he later drifted off to sleep and found himself curled up right next to me.

Later Scarlet woke up and it was decided it was dinner time! i made us a salad with chicken, bacon, eggs, tomatoes, croutons. we all sat together eating out of one big bowl at a time. after, we ate a little bit of ice cream and sat by the fire, lit some candles and i made up stories and they laid on their pillows by the crackling fire giggling and entranced by my really stupid silly stories. 

Later, warm baths in my garden tub. Bubbles mandatory. Out of any toy they could possibly play with they love my face spin brush by washing their faces, and the squeegee thing you use to wipe down your glass shower doors for water spots. kids are so confusing.

into warm pajamas they went. and i promised them i would take them on a drive after we were ready for bed. i took us to our church parking lot that's big and empty and let the kids take turns sitting on my lap "driving". We'd count down 3....2.....1....BLAST OFF!!!!! and I'd step on the gas and the kids reactions were like Christmas morning. Laughing and excited and MY TURN NEXT!! 

it was a simple normal, nothing overly eciting day. but its something i want to remember. you know, when they thrown tantrums in target, and everyone looks at you like they've never seen a kid throw a tantrum before? im like hey bro, you wanna take over? wanna share a secret with me how to not make my kid go wild when i wont buy him a 60 dollar batman toy. so you can suck it target shoppers. YOU HEAR ME?

any way. and average day of a housewife, but today was pretty damn good.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

please dont hate me because im trendy...

...everyone who looks like me is my friend.

scarlet had her first day at church! she did so amazing! didnt cry once. i was so obsessed with her outfit i couldnt wait to have her wear it. [thanks aunt kristine! xoxo]

now. A warning. im obsessed with my house being spotless. i need it clean. i keep it clean. i wont let anyone see it messy. BUT for some reason it became a disassster in the morning before church, so please, dont judge me.


can you see conrad on the kitchen counter in the backround? hilarious.

Mmm, very G.Q .conrad

im dying over my messy counter top.

Friday, July 12, 2013

scarlet victoria-three years old

i remember being in a super sassy mood the day i went in for your ultrasound ms scarlet. i was filing out paperwork AGAIN and it asked me my occupation. i wrote out in big capital letters MOM and said a "suck it" in my head. psh, why else was i there ya big dumb jerks. i OBVIOUSLY had an infant in a car seat next to me. color me bitter at the time. i mean, i was shocked that you had decided to join our family so quickly.

 i guess i should had seen the signs. when i'd nurse conrad to sleep the upstairs bed sheets made me sick by the smell. i guess i didnt realize my fatigue at the time because i wasn't sleeping at all anyway. i'd change conrads diapers and i felt like i had superman strength nostrils. i could smell the in n out 6 miles away if the wind would blow just right. you think im exaggerating?! because i am. but you get the point.
  it wasn't until one moment in the morning when i was changing conrads diaper did i realize. i guess it helped that oprah had come over for a visit because she gave me my "ah-ha" moment. i kindly excused myself from oprah and said "listen girl, love you, hate your best friend gail but this isnt the issue right now, i need to run to a drug store PRONTO. do these pajama pants and unwashed hair make me look white trash? she snapped a picture to send to steadman but i didn't have time to wait for his response. i dashed out the door to CVS, holding my 3 month old baby handing the woman over the counter a pregnancy test. i tried not to look her in the eye but on the receipt she wrote down MTVs teen mom hot-line number. this story is 100% totally (not true) but i did buy the test and dashed home. on dasher on prancer! on comet and cupid! away we flew in our sleigh home! i handed conrad to oprah who was now eating all my potato chips and watching season 6 of her show (uh, vain much?) and took that dreaded test. i sprung for the howler pregnancy test. you know a howler? like on harry potter when they receive mail and the letter screams at you instead of just reading itself normal? it started screaming out PREGNANT! YOU ARE PREGNANT! HOLY CRAP DIDN'T WE JUST LIKE, DO THIS LAUREN?!?!

did i cry? no. no i didnt. i did what any normal new mom would do. i sobbed uncontrollably called my husband who was in atlanta at the time and what did he do? laughed. then shouted out to his buds, "hey dudes my wifeys preg!" all the while snot is dripping down to my toes and oprah is seriously ready to leave at this point. but before i asked her if she had a free car to give me. she wasn't amused.

thus it was decided you were to be a boy! a best friend for conrad! this wouldn't be so bad right? i mean suuuuuure i had gained 30 pounds with my first pregnancy i doubt i'd gain 30 more. cough...

oh but scarlet. OH scarlet. when i heard you were a girl in the ultra sound room, i shed a tear. of sadness. DAMN IT why weren't you a boy?!?!  now i had to buy all new girl clothes! does that mean i have to own pink clothes? PINK? and aren't girls dramatic? and sassy? and oh my gosh what if you turn out like me?! im like, obnoxious? and im almost positive my parents tried selling me on craigslist when i was 16? girls are the worst!

fast forward 63 (give or take) months and im about to give birth to you. it was a strange birth. i decided to be induced because with your brother your dad was in atlanta and i had to wait 10 hours before he could catch a flight to watch you be born. man did that suck! i had to listen to my mother in law blurt out jeopardy answers in a rocking chair next to me during contractions. if there was any form of hell on earth that had to be it, hands down. but i decided to get an epidural and THEN be induced. how do you like me now mother nature? yeah, finally playing by my rules! i mostly just laid around and begged jeremy to feed me lemonade and chocolate covered pretzels. he said no, to all of them. hash tag: divorced. oh wait, okay so.  oh! so! you're born! YES!

the nursed laid you on my chest and my very first question was, "can i nurse her?". and like magic, you and i were in the zone! i sat in silence and watched you nurse and i looked over at your father and said, lets have 10 more! this is THE BEST!  he responded by not responding because he had a migraine and threw up while i was pushing! i was a really special moment. ....cough, aachoo. spoiler alert, it wasn't.

scarlet my darling, you are everything and more i could have ever dreamed for in a baby. you love to talk, and i love to talk, and its perfect! you love all things girly, and are very good at watching girly movies with me in bed. we have a special thing we do, where you lay your head on my chest and make a giggly whimper sound, and i do it back and we both love it. you will not under any circumstance do it with anyone else, and every one tries. but oh no, that is OUR thing.

sadly your favorite color is pink. how dare you. but i can maybe let it slide. you are so adventurous! im like oh hey scarlet jump in the deep end of the pool and you're like gotcha mom, I'm down. sometimes i throw a plate of broccoli and carrots at you and you're like heck to the duh I'll eat this stuff! you are not shy at all! total strangers come up to you and you pronounce yourself as scarlala, and proceed to let them know "hey my brother over there, hes a little shy. but he warms up if you give him hundred dollar bills". you prefer your bath water HOT! "no mom i like it hot! like super hot!! i want my skin to melt off mom HOT!!!!!" you are devastated when you cant go on the 40'' rides at disneyland. "i am tall enough i am!!! i promise!" i've tried sneaking you past those Nazi Disneyland workers and every time man, every time they want to measure you. I'm sorry honey. maybe we can buy you baby platforms?

gosh i am so glad you didnt end up being a boy. you love to cuddle, and tell stories to me late into the night. when i get hurt you run into my arms, pat my back and whisper in my ear, "its okay mama, its okay". and then i sort of pass out because its really too cute?

you're so fearless. to the point it scares me. you try to tell me YES MOM I KNOW HOW TO DRIVE THE CAR SO CAN I LIKE PLEASE HAVE THE KEYS NOW? and sometimes i say yes and let you cruise down sunset but only if you get your seat belt on okay honey?

you're hilarious. everyone who knows you just melts at your humor and adorable feminine behavior. you're so helpful around the house and also so sensitive. sometimes i hurt your feelings and you fling yourself on your bed and i swoon because its so cute, and all so sad at the same time. gosh, how do you do it?

you love to bake! you're always right by my side asking what you can help me do next, and if vodka is really necessary for peanut butter and jelly? you still have so much to learn scarlet.

theres no way i could handle having kids 12 months and 9 days apart if you had not been sent to me. you are so special to me. i cant even stand how adorable you are scarlet. your laugh could make Hitler grasp his cold heart and say OHMERGERSH that was ADORBZ!! you are my very best friend and sister girl, and gosh what wouldn't i do for you my love. i wouldn't let you watch barney, or any lame TV crap like that, but you know baby-steps.

thank you for being so eager to join our family. if only i had known it was you waiting so long up there for me i would have gotten pregnant 6 weeks earlier. did i say 6 weeks? i meant 16 years.

i don't even think theres words to describe my love for you. I'm not a mom who ever ever says this, but gosh i don't want you to grow up. i hope you always love to lay on my chest and play with my hair and ask to put make up on me. i hope you still ask every night to wear one of mommy's shirts to bed because you think they are special. i hope that when we finish getting ready you still let me squirt a little perfume on your wrist because it makes you feel so special. i hope you don't grow out wanting to wear all my jewelry and say all night "this is mommy's special necklace and i am being so careful with it". i hope you still will run into my room in the middle of the night after a bad dream so i can hold you and rock you to sleep until your body goes soft and slips back into dream land. i hope you dont grow out of wanting me to lay next to your bed every night while i tell you stories of princess' and evil witches and flying horses. gosh i love you scarlet victoria.  thank you for picking me to be your mommy.

 love forever and always and to the moon and back and etc and so forth!

Monday, July 1, 2013

cheers to 4 years!

i suppose i should have realized when i was pregnant that you'd be my greatest challenge.
oh the morning sickness! oh oh to the heavens i will say oh again for thou'est sucketh! and the mood swings! so many tantrums, and tears, and woes i did cry out! being hospitalized for a month on bed rest just for you my little dude. we were in this together! i laid down so you could bake just a little bit longer. i think you came out medium well, just the way i like it. sort of pink but almost fully cooked, but give him to me right now please because i'd like to nurse that pink little baby.
 you could have nursed forever but your sister came 13 weeks after you were born, sucking my body bone dry! you poor thing, we both cried when we couldn't nurse anymore. but for the record we nursed the eff out of nursing! if nursing were a sport we'd score touch downs and baskets and goals and all that stupid type of boy crap.

fast forward four years and here we are. you're still alive! we should both give each other a very big pat on the back or at least a very loud cracking high five! huzzah! only how many more years to go?

i wanted you to be a boy so very much! i remember being in a small dark room and you were being very stubborn not wanting us to see if you were a she or a he. and finally ITS A BOY! rang through my ears! hash tag excited!

you are very curious and silly. you make crazy faces on demand and can ride a mother freaking bike better than any just-turned-four-year-old. you're favorite ride at disneyland is pirates and the little mermaid, which go perfectly together. kind of like popcorn and peanut m&ms? sweet and salty? yes? no? ok moving on...
 you know disneyland like the back of your hand. just the way mom wanted it to be. i was so scared having you born in arizona you wouldn't know the beach and disneyland like a true son of mine should, and low and behold you are a california boy! gosh that was a close one, amirite?!

 i will have you know, even though you do know, that you are the smartest! one day you asked about time so i gave you a quick run down on our roman numeral clock hanging right by the door, and since then you know how to tell time! we're talking roman numeral here people! also you love to climb on the counter and get into things you know you aren't supposed to, but you're sweet enough to come find me with a big mischievous grin on your face with (insert: knife, nail polish, fire crackers, whiskey bottle, atomic bomb here). oh! and you can count super high! like up to 20! how much higher is there? thats TWENTY! do we even know anyone that old? i don't think we do? I am three according to you after all. you know all your colors. even the really weird ones like magenta and turquoise. and doesn't that remind you of that annoying dog on blues clues named stupid magenta. she would always show up and we'd be like uh steve, please ask magenta to leave because we have to go check the mail?!  which reminds me! you love to hop on your bike and pick up all the newspapers along the way from the neighbors. and for the love of sam you cannot have them taken away! because life as we know it is officially over I NEED 14 NEWSPAPERS MOOOOO'OOOMMMMM!!! i feel like i should get a salary for being a part time paper girl? i'll look into it.

on to the best part, food! you love a good chicken nugget. and will NOT try anything new unless forced into time out to PLEASE just take a lick of this ice cream cone i promise you will like it! and then you do, of course. thank me later for instilling fear and food into your subconscious. and you're left handed! like me! we can sit next to each other at the dinner table!

you are by far my greatest challenge in life. you can take that in a good or bad way. whatever, I'm easy breezy.  you love a good game of hide-n-go-seek. and trains! and cars! and tractors! and your private parts! sometimes its a little too much for your mom to handle. thats where i get all sorts of confused and scratch my head and go, um...please don't use that ever? thank you? so many questions? and lets not forget about your love of whales and sharks. for there is always a whale in that glass of water, that pond, that lake, the bathtub.

you have a serious obsession with rihanna. who could blame you? and ska! and one direction! and your dad! you looooooooooooooove your dad. when dad is around I'm suddenly the broken toy or something and i go hey! i carried you around for 9 months homie! not cool, bro. except i don't mind really. because dads are sometimes way more fun, and don't have to follow you around in stilettos and worry about their hair falling flat. I'm sorry, you won't understand this concept any time of your life. just know not to touch me if you just ate. its not you, its me. call you tomorrow?

lets move on to you and your sister, scarlet. hmmm, how should i put this nicely? well. you two love to fight. over anything. no seriously, you guys will fight over a piece of trash. i've seen it with my own two eyes! i have to buy two of anything ever but that really doesn't matter because you want scarlets exact same sword even though they are IDENTICAL. you guys wrestle all day long, and kick and scream and punch and bite! but when the sun goes to sleep you two both become best friends and demand a hug and kiss from each other or you will not go to bed so help us all!!! I NEED A HUG FROM SCARLET! THAT HUG WASN'T LONG ENOUGH! WATER! I NEED WATER! I NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM AGAIN! MORE WATER! HUGS! WATER! TOY STORY! WHERES MY FREAKING BLANKET?! and then finally you fall asleep and stay in bed all night long. thanks for that. oh! how could i forget!? when it came time to potty train you, you did it all on your own. sure i tried to get you to do it, and you said nay! suck it mom! okay not really, but close.  you did it when you were good and ready. so one day you decided to go potty in the toilet, and from here on out you have. you didn't even wet the bed? not once! i heard potty training is the hardest thing ever. you are so confusing to me sometimes? because you can go potty when you feel like it, but you won't pull up your underwear? i mean, you know how you just don't want to. i guess i would too if i had things my way...

we've some how made it these last four years. I'm not quite sure how, but we did. you're already becoming so big and independent. you no longer like to lay on my chest as i hum you to sleep. you're over being a baby. you're a "big  boy" as you like to put it. and you are. you will always be my biggest little boy.

i love you like the day is long.


Sunday, June 16, 2013

"Here we are at seaworld"

This studly man is my Father. I like to call him Bobbie or Dob...along with the occasional Dad. On the streets of Rosemead people know him as El Guapo, hes infamous. [Would you say I have a plethora of pinatas?]

My dad is kind of a big deal. I mean, who can say their Dad rides a motorcycle to work with a shotgun on the side of it? [what does your dad take? a Hyundai? thats what i thought] He can shoot bad guys, pull people over, mace them in the face and they cant do anything about it. I think he even gets free donuts. Talk about a dream job. No, he's not a pimp..hes a Cop. A dang good looking one at that.

When he's not out on the mean streets of LA, breaking up gang fights, drugs busts and taking out the trash...He's wearing a nice white shirt and tie and carrying a Bible. My dad is such a hard worker. The second he comes home from Work, hes walking right out the door again for a meeting. ALWAYS meetings. He gets the best seat in Church though, so I'm pretty sure its worth it. Although I would say the Crestline ward is probably a lot tougher, meaner, and scarier than the streets of LA. I'm just sayin'...come to that ward one Sunday and you'll throw a parade for my dad. [Good thing Pat Dowden doesn't read this blog] Hey -that's just my opinion.

He's also a hit with the neighbors. Our neighborhood watch system was designed just for my dad. An alarm goes off whenever he steps outside because once he does everyone wants to talk to him. He's like the big man on campus, except its Zuger Dr. I don't know what their fascination is with my dad, but if he's outside..someone has stopped their car to chat, walk/run down the street to get in a wave, or is yelling off their balcony to spark up a conversation. I'm pretty sure one time I saw someone ask for his autograph...but hes too humble so he'd never tell me.

When I think of my dad I think of us eating the best plate of Nachos you've ever had [made by him of course] Hes my favorite snacking buddy. He comes ups with the most delicious snacks. He can make a mean batch of no bake cookies, and his signature trade mark snack is a spoonful of peanut butter with chocolate syrup poured in the middle. Yet he still has the tightest bottom you've ever slapped [just ask my Mom]

I LOVE that when I look back on the years of growing up I think of, Disneyland weekends, camping everywhere! We've camped at all the state beaches, dumount, glamous, sequoia, even Disneyland RV park! My dad taught me how to ride motorcycles and would take us out on weekend days to ride all day long. He took our family to literally almost every Amusement park in So-Cal. Summer Vacation meant, we'd be going to Vegas, laying by the pool drinking strawberry/pina colodas, eating at the buffet, and doing it all over again the next day.

Seriously. My dad is so much fun, and hes been such an amazing Dad all these years. Even when I'm the biggest Jerk of a daughter, he's always there for me. To bail me out of stupid life choice #4,643, or to come answer the door at 2am when I've been locked out. haha! I love that he's a great example, loving, modest, funny, spiritual, and my Dad. Thank you all that you've done for me Dad. You'll never know how much I really appreciate and love you.

Happy Fathers day!