Friday, July 12, 2013

scarlet victoria-three years old

i remember being in a super sassy mood the day i went in for your ultrasound ms scarlet. i was filing out paperwork AGAIN and it asked me my occupation. i wrote out in big capital letters MOM and said a "suck it" in my head. psh, why else was i there ya big dumb jerks. i OBVIOUSLY had an infant in a car seat next to me. color me bitter at the time. i mean, i was shocked that you had decided to join our family so quickly.

 i guess i should had seen the signs. when i'd nurse conrad to sleep the upstairs bed sheets made me sick by the smell. i guess i didnt realize my fatigue at the time because i wasn't sleeping at all anyway. i'd change conrads diapers and i felt like i had superman strength nostrils. i could smell the in n out 6 miles away if the wind would blow just right. you think im exaggerating?! because i am. but you get the point.
  it wasn't until one moment in the morning when i was changing conrads diaper did i realize. i guess it helped that oprah had come over for a visit because she gave me my "ah-ha" moment. i kindly excused myself from oprah and said "listen girl, love you, hate your best friend gail but this isnt the issue right now, i need to run to a drug store PRONTO. do these pajama pants and unwashed hair make me look white trash? she snapped a picture to send to steadman but i didn't have time to wait for his response. i dashed out the door to CVS, holding my 3 month old baby handing the woman over the counter a pregnancy test. i tried not to look her in the eye but on the receipt she wrote down MTVs teen mom hot-line number. this story is 100% totally (not true) but i did buy the test and dashed home. on dasher on prancer! on comet and cupid! away we flew in our sleigh home! i handed conrad to oprah who was now eating all my potato chips and watching season 6 of her show (uh, vain much?) and took that dreaded test. i sprung for the howler pregnancy test. you know a howler? like on harry potter when they receive mail and the letter screams at you instead of just reading itself normal? it started screaming out PREGNANT! YOU ARE PREGNANT! HOLY CRAP DIDN'T WE JUST LIKE, DO THIS LAUREN?!?!

did i cry? no. no i didnt. i did what any normal new mom would do. i sobbed uncontrollably called my husband who was in atlanta at the time and what did he do? laughed. then shouted out to his buds, "hey dudes my wifeys preg!" all the while snot is dripping down to my toes and oprah is seriously ready to leave at this point. but before i asked her if she had a free car to give me. she wasn't amused.

thus it was decided you were to be a boy! a best friend for conrad! this wouldn't be so bad right? i mean suuuuuure i had gained 30 pounds with my first pregnancy i doubt i'd gain 30 more. cough...

oh but scarlet. OH scarlet. when i heard you were a girl in the ultra sound room, i shed a tear. of sadness. DAMN IT why weren't you a boy?!?!  now i had to buy all new girl clothes! does that mean i have to own pink clothes? PINK? and aren't girls dramatic? and sassy? and oh my gosh what if you turn out like me?! im like, obnoxious? and im almost positive my parents tried selling me on craigslist when i was 16? girls are the worst!

fast forward 63 (give or take) months and im about to give birth to you. it was a strange birth. i decided to be induced because with your brother your dad was in atlanta and i had to wait 10 hours before he could catch a flight to watch you be born. man did that suck! i had to listen to my mother in law blurt out jeopardy answers in a rocking chair next to me during contractions. if there was any form of hell on earth that had to be it, hands down. but i decided to get an epidural and THEN be induced. how do you like me now mother nature? yeah, finally playing by my rules! i mostly just laid around and begged jeremy to feed me lemonade and chocolate covered pretzels. he said no, to all of them. hash tag: divorced. oh wait, okay so.  oh! so! you're born! YES!

the nursed laid you on my chest and my very first question was, "can i nurse her?". and like magic, you and i were in the zone! i sat in silence and watched you nurse and i looked over at your father and said, lets have 10 more! this is THE BEST!  he responded by not responding because he had a migraine and threw up while i was pushing! i was a really special moment. ....cough, aachoo. spoiler alert, it wasn't.

scarlet my darling, you are everything and more i could have ever dreamed for in a baby. you love to talk, and i love to talk, and its perfect! you love all things girly, and are very good at watching girly movies with me in bed. we have a special thing we do, where you lay your head on my chest and make a giggly whimper sound, and i do it back and we both love it. you will not under any circumstance do it with anyone else, and every one tries. but oh no, that is OUR thing.

sadly your favorite color is pink. how dare you. but i can maybe let it slide. you are so adventurous! im like oh hey scarlet jump in the deep end of the pool and you're like gotcha mom, I'm down. sometimes i throw a plate of broccoli and carrots at you and you're like heck to the duh I'll eat this stuff! you are not shy at all! total strangers come up to you and you pronounce yourself as scarlala, and proceed to let them know "hey my brother over there, hes a little shy. but he warms up if you give him hundred dollar bills". you prefer your bath water HOT! "no mom i like it hot! like super hot!! i want my skin to melt off mom HOT!!!!!" you are devastated when you cant go on the 40'' rides at disneyland. "i am tall enough i am!!! i promise!" i've tried sneaking you past those Nazi Disneyland workers and every time man, every time they want to measure you. I'm sorry honey. maybe we can buy you baby platforms?

gosh i am so glad you didnt end up being a boy. you love to cuddle, and tell stories to me late into the night. when i get hurt you run into my arms, pat my back and whisper in my ear, "its okay mama, its okay". and then i sort of pass out because its really too cute?

you're so fearless. to the point it scares me. you try to tell me YES MOM I KNOW HOW TO DRIVE THE CAR SO CAN I LIKE PLEASE HAVE THE KEYS NOW? and sometimes i say yes and let you cruise down sunset but only if you get your seat belt on okay honey?

you're hilarious. everyone who knows you just melts at your humor and adorable feminine behavior. you're so helpful around the house and also so sensitive. sometimes i hurt your feelings and you fling yourself on your bed and i swoon because its so cute, and all so sad at the same time. gosh, how do you do it?

you love to bake! you're always right by my side asking what you can help me do next, and if vodka is really necessary for peanut butter and jelly? you still have so much to learn scarlet.

theres no way i could handle having kids 12 months and 9 days apart if you had not been sent to me. you are so special to me. i cant even stand how adorable you are scarlet. your laugh could make Hitler grasp his cold heart and say OHMERGERSH that was ADORBZ!! you are my very best friend and sister girl, and gosh what wouldn't i do for you my love. i wouldn't let you watch barney, or any lame TV crap like that, but you know baby-steps.

thank you for being so eager to join our family. if only i had known it was you waiting so long up there for me i would have gotten pregnant 6 weeks earlier. did i say 6 weeks? i meant 16 years.

i don't even think theres words to describe my love for you. I'm not a mom who ever ever says this, but gosh i don't want you to grow up. i hope you always love to lay on my chest and play with my hair and ask to put make up on me. i hope you still ask every night to wear one of mommy's shirts to bed because you think they are special. i hope that when we finish getting ready you still let me squirt a little perfume on your wrist because it makes you feel so special. i hope you don't grow out wanting to wear all my jewelry and say all night "this is mommy's special necklace and i am being so careful with it". i hope you still will run into my room in the middle of the night after a bad dream so i can hold you and rock you to sleep until your body goes soft and slips back into dream land. i hope you dont grow out of wanting me to lay next to your bed every night while i tell you stories of princess' and evil witches and flying horses. gosh i love you scarlet victoria.  thank you for picking me to be your mommy.

 love forever and always and to the moon and back and etc and so forth!


  1. This was so sweet, and really made me laugh all the way through, til the end where I cried. Thanks for that (crazy prego hormones)...