Saturday, May 26, 2012

today was long and hard.

as i scrubbed my bathrooms and floors, only to be splashed and played on almost immediately.  i wish i were even slightly exaggerating, i thought, damn i have a good life.

later as the day progressed, and the kids began the terrible bewitching hours my soul started to slowly get darker and darker. i felt angry and anxious. so many cries. so many whines. so much touching of mommy. and then i sink into my hole that i try so hard to stay out of. when i feel like my world is nothing but black i try looking up for a glimpse of light. "please don't let me go back to how i was last month." the lowest of depression i'd ever felt in my life. i wanted to be in a coma, i couldn't even handle my own emotions. my mind, spirit and soul couldn't bare to be with my physical body. not even a good hard prayer could help. it was depression all right. and it came with an entourage. anxiety, panic attacks, crying over nothing. i couldn't even watch tv, it made me too angry.

i slowly slipped out of my PMDD and i started to feel like life was being injected back in my veins. my heart didn't weigh 100 pounds, my heart rate slowed down, sunshine in my soul.

and then 28 days later the same demon comes back to haunt my body and mind.

Jeremy took me on a date tonight. i couldn't believe i was able to make it out the door with the kids without punching a wall. it felt liberating to drop them off and drive away in silence. i didn't even feel like talking. i soaked in the silence. sucking in deep relaxing breaths. Jeremy and i didn't need to talk. we both knew what we wanted. peace.

when we arrived home after out date anxiety hit again. the crying started back up. "no naps!" "i want a bottle!" "i want to sleep in your bed!".

Jeremy and i laid our children down, and they put up a hard fight. i dragged my body to my bed and collapsed with exhaustion. "i can't do this anymore. i need a break. but i feel guilty leaving my children." we started talking about back when we dated. how stupid and young i was to have made the mistakes we made. i tried explaining it in words. "this sounds awful, and i love Conrad, and i wouldn't take it back, but i would. how could we have been so irresponsible? why weren't we more safe? i said.
" and..., i know we could take a vacation, and even if we sleep all day, i still have two big responsibilities waiting for me at home. that will never go away. they are mine forever and i can never go back to the way things were. the only thing that mattered was me, and i miss that. its just so much to take in, you know?" Jeremy nods and understands. "and it will get different. as they grow older, we'll have new problems to worry about" Jeremy explains. suddenly i feel even more overwhelmed. "i know." i said with my head on his chest.

sometimes its too much to think about. i am no longer just Lauren. i am in charge of two (three?) people and their well-being. can i take on this task? its so hard when i feel so low.

when i feel this way i want to rebel. i don't want to go to church, wear my garments, have relationships with family members. i feel out of control and i just want to be treated like an adult. the constant worry of the judgement i feel from my parents, Jeremy's parents. how i dress, how i raise my children. its all too much to take in.

I've never thought in my life i'd come to such a low and happy place in my life. my whole entire life changed one fall night. i sat in my boyfriends bathroom alone, with a plus sign staring me right in the face. i look at the towel rack with my mouth open. tears welling up in my eyes. "how will i tell my mom?".

i'd say i had a happy ending luckily to all this madness. heavenly father knowing what was best for me. he knew scarlet was supposed to come quickly after, and for what ever reason he thinks i can do it. i hope i can. its just really hard some days. and today, was one of those days.

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