Sunday, June 24, 2012

color me unimpressed.

this is what Jeremy's sister thinks of me. AND I DIRECT COPY AND PASTE QUOTE!

(quick bio on Shelley: its Jeremy's half-sister, she's 40, has no children, has had surgery to prevent  children even though she was not married, has said "she hates kids" and has two dogs she thinks are kids! that seems like a contradiction of some sort. thats the sum up! enjoy!)

 "i don't know whats happened to you. (referring to Jeremy) you live in a "Lauren fantasy world" someone with little or no work ethic, no skills to get a job and contribute to the household, and holds no responsibility when it comes to having children. in the real world, especially for someone who hasn't held a job the entire time you've been married, doesn't leave their children for a week because their too stressed to deal with them, maybe if she had thought about the consequences to having sex and being responsible, other precautions could have been taken."

instead of writing something directly to her, i'll just explain what is my "Lauren fantasy world". its really fun you guys, we have no responsibility here! ITS THUNDER DOME!

lets start from the top then shall we?

congratulations! you're pregnant! you will spend the next 10 months (not 9, i know, they lied to you) of your life growing a human child inside you! if you're anything like me, you will throw up all day long! it doesn't stop! don't worry, everything you eat you will soon be able to picture what it looks like in a porcelain bowl in about 20 seconds. your stomach will emerge into a huge beach ball and you will feel like a whale. do not fret! this is normal! some woman get "battle wounds" aka stretch marks which i did not have the privilege of getting. some woman even get them on their breasts! after you're over the "morning sickness" phase (this too, is also a myth. hint: it lasts all day. not JUST the morning! i know! can we file a complaint whoever came up with that phrase?) your mouth will taste like a penny all day. this is normal. soon will you start peeing your pants every time you lean over into the toilet. may i suggest you always have a towel underneath you? no need to thank me. (i was on bed rest for the last 4 months of my pregnancy, some woman skip this phase :)
 around your 6 month mark you will start to feel very unattractive. you can't sleep on your stomach anymore, your back aches, your ankles swell, and nothing fits. you will wake up to go to the bathroom about, oh, lets say, 7,000 times a night? that seems about right. you'll start to have really weird dreams and it will be really hard for you to get off the couch. soon labor will begin and yes, the rumors are true. it hurts. some woman have their husbands take them to the hospital when they go into labor. NOT YOU SILLY! your husband will be across the united states! my thoughts exactly! he'll spend $500 dollars to rush home and in a few hours you will have your baby! oh, your new mother in law will be with you while you are having contractions. you LOVE this. you didn't really want the man who helped make this baby to be with you did you? this ISN'T the movies!

next stage!

congratulations! you just had a baby!
 you are very sore now and will bleed out of your "womanhood" for a good 4-6 weeks. gushing blood really. you wear thick pads almost like a diaper. you have a newborn. its the best feeling in the world. you couldn't love anything more in your life! after a few days of your new child sucking on your now 45-DDD breasts your milk will come in! HUZZAH! do you know what "engorged" means? look it up. you'll need to know, because that's what your breasts will become. if you so choose to breastfeed your breasts will turn into rock hard volleyballs that will need to be relieved every 2 seconds. it hurts in the beginning and you get used to it. eventually. soon you'll get used to having your breasts exposed for almost the entire day, and any shirt you wear will become encrusted with your own milk. this is very sexy to your husband.
 oh yes that's right! your husband! you may have forgotten about him because you've been busy bathing a baby that is a little limp like a rag doll, changing "tar" poop, (turns into mustard poop, then mushy poop, then REALLY STINKY POOP) (and yes it will explode all over your fresh duvet on your bed) burping, swaying, comforting, trying to decide if its just gas? he's tired? maybe he's hungry? maybe his stomach hurts? did he poop? is he sick? was that a cough? maybe he's too cold? too hot? wants his mommy? daddy? to be entertained? is there an ant in his shirt? does his newly circumcised penis hurt? are we out of diapers? i just nursed him, but maybe he needs to be nursed again? oh he just exploded poop out and its all over himself and your hands and you just changed your shirt, his shirt, and just finished draining his bath water .3 seconds ago. and he also just spit up on you. some just got in your mouth. OH RIGHT YOUR HUSBAND! yes, no, you can't have sex with him. and when you do, i'll just say this. "razor blades". that's all I'm going to say.

next stage!! another one?!

congratulations! you have a toddler and a newborn! what are you going to do now?!
 your husband travels to the east coast every single week. FIVE days a week to be exact! You now have to do this all on your own! don't worry, you're also in another state where you don't have any friends or immediate family close by. post-pardom my ass! right?!
 your life now consists of managing two different nap times. you have a child who goes to bed at 9, and another who wakes up AT 9pm and stays awake until about 5am! don't worry! you'll get at least 2 hours of sleep before your other baby wakes up. life isn't cruel, silly head. you didn't think life would let you go on with ABSOLUTELY ZERO HOURS OF SLEEP NOW WOULD YOU?
 You are out of groceries. its 114 degrees out. what do you do now? well first you run down the stairs of your apartment building and go turn on the car to start up the A/C. you cross your fingers no one steals your car.  BUT FIRST you can't leave home without a diaper bag ya'dumb idiot!! first, make sure your children are fed, rested and happy before you leave the home or.......well, you'll see. (WINK FACE)
 in said diaper bag you will need diapers, (uh duh) wipes, snacks, toys that make noise, bottles, blankets, keys, wallet, diaper cream, vaseline, pacifiers, hand sanitizer, maybe a little snack for yourself, (if you must be so selfish to think of yourself at a time like this).
 lug both children in your arms down the stairs. success! your car is still there! i guess all those prayers are working?!
 you will be sweating profusely at this point, just get used to it. the world is VERY impressed if you've managed to throw on some mascara and a clean shirt. *clean shirt optional.*
 once you get to the grocery store both children will be screaming. do not be alarmed. this is normal.
 first you circle the parking lot to get a spot up front towards the store. you finally find a spot! the very far end of the parking lot and there is no grocery carts in sight. don't forget your 60 pound diaper bag and children, (both of them) and waddle as fast as you can up to grab a cart! the first thing you do is hand them toys, snacks, bottles, your car keys, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY ANYTHING to make them happy! HAND THEM AN ENTIRE BAG OF CHIPS ROLLED IN SUGAR IF IT MAKES THEM STOP CRYING! your kids will then begin to throw everything out of your cart, or demand that they eat whatever it is at.that.very.second.  you try to explain to them that they can't eat that bag of flour, but they don't care. THEY WANT THAT BAG OF FREAKING FLOUR.
 you finally arrive home. bring both children up into your apartment. you run up and down the stairs unloading gallons of milk and cases of water and yes, you forgot almost 99.9% of everything you needed at the store that day. this to, is normal.

moving on!

wait! you're still here?! well gold stars all around! you've survived life with children! is there someone who gives out an award for that? -oh there isn't? oh, no one really recognizes what you do? wait i don't understand? you mean to tell me, that AFTER ALL THAT NO ONE EVEN GIVES YOU A TROPHY FOR THIS STUFF?!

so every single day you:
wake up at an ungodly hour, change diapers before you can even go to the bathroom yourself? feed 2 other humans, dress them, play with them, teach, kiss, hug, nurture, discipline, love, cuddle, scold, make their beds, clean up their messes, fill up their sippy cups 4 million times a day, change the sheets they just peed in, change another diaper, play "find that smell", deal with tantrums, sacrifice showering when you want to, try to make an important phone call only to be interrupted by loud squeals, cries, wants, needs, voices, toys clinking together, kids fighting over a freaking piece of lint! LINT YOU GUYS! try to talk to your husband when he gets home from work only to have 2 other children tugging at his legs, trying to talk to him, one is crying because the other won't share, make dinner, clean up dinner, sweep, vacuum, clean the toilets, bathe filthy children (nightly) lotion (nightly) make sure there is clean clothes, pajamas, etc..., groceries, toys picked up, diapers on hand, medicine on hand, stay up all night holding a sick baby, a crying baby, a needy baby, a cuddly baby, a happy baby, just because you feel like holding your baby baby, clean the windows, pay the bills, do about 7 loads of laundry and realize you haven't folded one piece of your own clothes, tickle, giggle, make silly faces, arrange play-dates for social interactions, be creative on a 20 second basis, build forts, scrub crayon off the walls, play pretend, hide-n-go-seek, make snacks, make 4 different dinners for them all to be rejected, listen to a child cry uncontrollably when you are trying to deal with a stressful situation, have others judge the way you raise your children/talk to them/treat them/dress them/etc, have others give you unsolicited advice, talk to random strangers and tell them information about your children because they asked, deal with people trying to touch your baby, watch your kids every move almost every waking second of the day to make sure they don't eat poison, get kid-napped, drown, cut themselves, fall, scrape their knee, hit another child, make sure another child didn't hit them, hold them while they teethe, clap for them when they walk for the first time, teach them their first words, colors, shapes, how to spell, to be polite, to be kind, gentle, soft, nice, creative, smart, happy, sacrifice extra money for clothes for them. instead of yourself? wait, huh?  when its nap time you do chores instead of play on Facebook? go to bed at 9pm on a friday night because theres no such thing as a day off. rearrange your whole entire life, marriage, social life, all for a kid, AND YOU DON'T GET AT LEAST A GOLD STAR FOR THAT?! well thats just silly. silly, silly silly.

so, who wants to come live in my fantasy world?! anyone, anyone?


  1. You are absolutely right! It is a lot of work! And you know what...according to her I would have no skills either (in the real world)...but in this parenting world...well, I am a pro, and so are you! We are raising human beings! SO yes, we get a gold star! And it is a good thing we love our children so much...because this job is very very thankless...and we deal with that too. (But I have gotta say...this made me laugh..because no one has quite described it this way!)

    1. haha yes! exactly! i'd rather have ZERO work skills for a "job" if it meant i got to raise my two little babies. nothing brings me greater joy. I'm sure working 9-5 with no outcome is SUPER fulfilling though ;)

  2. I don't know what her message to your brother was trying to accomplish (speaking of lacking skill)... Is he supposed to say "you're right, I should leave my WIFE AND MOTHER OF MY CHILDREN" or is he supposed to enroll you in a "skills for the job market" class? I don't understand when people feel the need to speak up about matters they have no hand in and their words aren't encouraging or helpful. It sounds to me that someone is dried-up, depressed, and her dogs must've been sleeping and she had nothing better to do than stir stuff up.

  3. Oh my gosh James and I were busting up. I love how true it is! And I totally agree with MrsPurvis, what exactly was she hoping to accomplish other than stirring up drama? Jeremy knows you are a hard working mom and wife it's not like he's gonna say yeah you don't live here and don't see what goes on in our home on a daily basis and you have absolutely no experience being a parent but (ding light bulb appears) you know exactly what you're talking about when it comes to my wife. Oh how blind Jeremy must have been. :) Thank goodness his sister could enlighten him. You are a fantastic momma to your two beautiful little kiddos.

    1. it was an awakening!!! he is so confused how we are alive when he comes home from work. Every day it's like playing the lottery with me! I'm crazy!

  4. Replies
    1. bahaha! Is it sad I didn't even notice you said brother? can we sign up for a life skills class together?

  5. Speaking of your sister in law...I was taught if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all...

  6. So...I have nothing to say about her. Love you!!!