soul surfer

i don't usually do this. but i will for you.

today Jeremy and i packed up the truck and took the kids to the beach. now i, being the hands on overbearing mother than i am laid out a towel and almost immediately took a nap leaving Jeremy to the wolves. (psst, that's code for the children. wink face)  It was wonderful.
 When I woke up Jeremy had been bit by the wolves because he was all like "I'm just a little sick of watching these kids all by myself" and then a seagull flew by and he kinda faded in and out and i thought is my mascara all over my face? and how tan do i look? i wonder how long those people next to us have been there? was i snoring? did my butt look skinny? Jeremy's voice slowly faded back into my ears so i deglazed my eyes and said some sort of "Zzzzzsooeerrry me tired me go play with pack of baby wolves". why do i keep calling my kids wild animals?

I slivered out of my mink scarf and Hermes frock and tied the string above my bikini to make it so my voluptuous breasts wouldn't fall out like a bag of apples from the back of your range rover.

okay I tried gracefully to take off my target romper i bought 3 years ago and put on my over sized board shorts to play with the kids. IF I HAVE TO. spoiler alert, i was not wearing a bikini. i wont be offended if you feel you've been lied to and want to click the X in the corner. go ahead. DO IT. MAKE MY DAY. SEE IF I CARE? please don't go. I'm sorry baby, sometimes i just get so scared.

i tried getting my kids to play in the warm ocean water with me. should i retype that sentence? WARM OCEAN WATER. like Betch are we in Hawaii? this is California where the water is always at a delicious mind numbing temp that gives your skin goosebumps that you're not quite sure will ever go away? you know what I'm talking about, bob.

scarlet was brave until a wave totally B-slapped us across the face and ruined our hair and she was like OH-HEEWWWAALLL-NAH ma, i just got ma hurr done did. so i took her out of the water and begged for my little boy to join me! Conrad! Honey! Come to Mommy! Mother, knows best!

as we walked hand in hand (kicking and screaming) into the water trustingly holding his mommy by the hand (clenching his legs around my waist for dear sweet life AND pulling down my bathing suit top. what a skill! men, right? anything for boobs. don't worry fellas, there is nothing there but saggy, bitter, sad, angry, nursed on for months boobies in that suit).  Conrad, he was a little more brave than scarlet. "mommy are whales in there? sharks? nemo?" and of course like any good mother i said "YES YES AND OH GOSH YES!!! Conrad have you seen soul surfer? I'll show you when we get home!" Of course i tried to make it as fun as possible. Like, LOOK! a HUGE wave is coming right at as full force!! isn't this exciting?!?! we would plop and sway over the waves and -nah-ah-ah- he did not like it. oh mother mercy no he didn't. we left the water with him screaming bloody murder and i think one of my breasts was hanging out? i cant be to sure on this one? all the while I'm playing off the whole "KIDS AM-I-RITE?" face and kinda laughing when inside I'm like DUDE! if we live in California you WILL BE THE NEXT KELLY SLATER!

i love days like this. (no sarcasm, i swear). Just me and my little family. i think I'm slowly just accepting the fact that I'm going to need eyes surgically placed on all sides of my head so i wont have to be running in circles. which do you think would be easier? the eye procedure or a nanny? a penny for your thoughts?

its a crazy stage of life and i kind of love(hate)it but i know it wont always be like this. I've heard it gets better. granted everyone who has said this to me is at least 80+ years old and probably cant even go to the bathroom themselves anymore, but you know what? respect yo' elders.

dude, this post made no sense. just roll with it and pretend it did, yes?

and can i just add in a PS?
 Jeremy is beyond the best dad. sometimes i feel like i don't even know who i am when hes around. he fully takes charge in the fun parent roll. you know that whole "I'm so glad when daddy comes home bull crap? ITS TRUE!. Dem kids LOVE their papa. He plays with them in ways that i wouldn't even think up! i kind of just sit back in a daze and wonder who i am as a mother. when its just me and the kids I'm so used to our routine. just us. and i know I'm good at it. but when daddy comes home I'm suddenly the slave/boring parent and I'm like okay thanks a lot, i totally wiped poop from your butt like 10 times today and you run into daddy's arms?! how fair is THAT? but i really secretly love it. and i think we all know why.   --because i get to check my instagram in peace.