nursery.

hey lauren! its me, Lauren! its you! hey! you look so pretty right now. i do? thanks! no really, like STUNNINGLY gorgeous. like, you have a butt that just won't quit. seriously? yea, for reals. gee, i mean, i know but wow, all this coming from you? YES! you incredible creature.

today marked the day of both kids going into nursery!!! don't be alarmed. that noise you just heard was angles blowing their trumpets in your living room. wasn't it magical? did you get goosebumps just READING that? i know, me too. lets hold hands.

in our church. when your child turns 18 months they get to go into nursery! ---oh sorry, i'll tell the angles to stop blowing that horn. they can't help it every time you read that.

so i blissfully skipped and leaped and did lunges and ran and jumped along the wall and did cart wheels and somersaults all the way to the nursery doors. in a DRESS no less, you guys! i shoved conrad in with all my might, and gave him a glass of water, and patted him on the head and yes this is all stolen out of the grinch who stole christmas. no but really, and then TEARS. sobbing, snot dripping, hysterical tears. from my 2 1/2 year old WHOSHOULDBEUSEDTONURSERYBYNOWBUTHESNOTSOBACKOFF!!!! and scarlet? oh miss independent practically strut into nursery like she owned the place. she did a sassy black girl snap back and forth and everything. and then she taught all the girls how to do the "bend and snap" and all the boys were drooling over scarlet. oh my dear scarlet!

except, once conrad started to SOB then scarlet began to SOB and then i began to walk out of nursery and not look back. and then the nursery leader said WHY DONT YOU STAY?! and then jeremy laughed a hard evil laugh and peaced out of there! i held out my hand for him, and when the door shut i looked out that glass window and held my face right up against it and i began to sob.

so for the r453464564Ed4533435 sunday in a ROW, i was in nursery YET AGAIN. and don't get me wrong i LOVE(hate) it in there!! and then when i asked the nursery leader if they mind if i just "slipped out" she said "WHY HEAVENS NO!!! stay at LEAST 2 weeks!" (no i swear to you, she said that) and then i threw a tantrum and threw my goldfish crackers on the floor.

i dreamed of the day both my kids would be old enough to be in nursery. later suckers! mama gets 2 free hours to herself! (where obviously i would skip church, get star bucks and take a nap in the parking lot) BUT NO! they cry. and so i stay. and i do so with a heavy loving heart.

so let it be known you guys! if you think I'm inactive, just peer through the nursery doors and you'll see me, melting small small small. (primary song joke. if you're mormon you get it. if you're not, its about a snow man. you're welcome.)

i'd like to file a complaint?

every single day i pick up my house. when the kids go to bed thats when i do most of the work. dishes, vacuuming ecter-freaking-ra. so on friday night before jeremy came home i picked it up in a frenzied panic. dishes! counters! sweeping! and so forth. by the very next morning it looked like i had done nothing. saturday after the kids went to bed i cleaned the house for hours. HOURS.

dishes again. sweeping. vacuuming. mopping. the bathrooms. dusted. washed our sheets and duvet and put them back on the bed. put away 2 cases of water bottles in our fridge, organized, folded laundry. i was a cleaning machine! i told jeremy when he woke up to please help me keep the house clean because i had gone to so much work the 2 nights before and never got to enjoy it.

by 4:30 the next day my house was a WRECK. crumbs all over my floor. toys all over. all the dvds pulled out of the cupboard, tons of dishes in the sink, the floor looked like i hadn't just spent an hour totally making it spotless. it was awful. we gathered the kids together to go to dinner at jeremys parents and i tried really hard not to cry.

i was so exhausted. even just the sunday before i made jeremy take the kids over to his parents so i could clean the house for a few hours in peace. i told him if the average person had gone to as much hard work as i had 7 days ago it would not look like our house now. at jeremys parents house i had to hide my head in a pillow laying down on the couch so no one could see the tears swelling up in my eyes. it took everything in me to not break down and scream out "being a mom is HARD!!!!"

so since sunday i've vacuumed a few times, put away toys, the bare essentials but i can't bring myself to motivate myself to clean anymore than your "make the bed daily" chores. its a mess. and i care so much. its like I've been through horrible torture and i just can't bring myself to get back to where i left off. I'm too traumatized by the whole situation of it all.

and i have to admit, laying down and reading a book every night, instead of picking up for hours and then going to bed is so much nicer. but help me! what do i do? i'd rather die than pick up ONE MORE MESS. and my floors? OH MY FLOORS!!!!!!

(when scarlet broke her bowl the other morning)

its a code war!

there are major pros and cons to a husband that travels. usually i think its a huge con after a 5 day work week of just me. usually i think its a pro after a 5 day work week. HERE ME OUT.

there is absolutely zero balance in anything. its either total extreme or polar opposite. sometimes he's been gone for 2 weeks at a time, and usually when that happens he comes home to find me with my hair sticking straight up, my hands contorted in a way like a 90yr old woman with carpel tunnel and I'm lying face down while stray cats groom my hair and body for me. this only happens 99.100% of the time though. see what i did there? did you think i was going to say 99.9%?

the pro to having a husband who travels is sometimes you get to sleep in! usually the first day, and heck, if he really loves you (he loves me) he'll let me go 2..and sometimes our mornings even start like this!....

6:50AM-the sound of our toddler waking up. he usually screams bloody murder in his way of saying "dear mother, riseth and shine, for i am awake and tis a day for hearkening and i pooped my pants". or SOMETIMES if you're really lucky he'll just whine at his door over and over to only be described as asking your alarm to set itself to the "nails on a chalkboard" setting and just telling it to surprise you at any given time of morning. but remember alarm clock, not after 7am because that would just be ludicrous! and your alarm goes, "dude! I'm not crazy! of course I'm going to go off multiple times a night full volume, but before 7am? you think I'm crazy?!" and i say "screw you alarm clock! you adorable thing you."

and then 99.100% of our conversations start like this. FIRST THING. (no, "good morning beautiful!" oh look, your here too jeremy.)

me: you going to get him?

jer: im so tired

me: i kept telling you to go to bed last night.

jer: just get up with him. you can take naps, i can't.

me: i know, but i've been up with them the past 2 mornings. plus i cleaned the entire house yesterday, and my body hurts from working out. and i took care of them while you were out of town for the day. plus you kept me up all night because you wouldn't go to bed!

jer: fine but i get to sleep in next week every single day. (he just gets to make up rules like this?!)

(i swear to you, verbatim)

thats how seriously, almost every.single.one. of our mornings go when he's in town. sometimes we stick to a system, of every other day the person gets up with the kids, but then that turns into a "who did more" war.

and then i wake up and i find dishes in the sink, crumbs as far as the eye can see, a pile of poopy diapers next to the front door, goldfish crackers smashed and embedded into my rug, sticky spots throughout the tile, dirty highchair trays, piles of blankets, every single toy of Conrad's slewed throughout the house...

and then i get on my hamster wheel and begin to clean it all up again, while messes are being made as i go. but i have to do it, in case someone stops by and thinks we're growing goldfish crackers like crystal meth spewing up from the carpet. because what else would explain all those crumbs?

Journal.

I've turned mental.

well, not really. BUT MAYBE SO QUITE REALLY O'RLY AND YA'RLY?

but I'm thinking of baby number 3. THREE! then we will be out numbered! 3-2! a family of 5! that means an extra bedroom in the house, or gasp! a child sharing a room! (did a fairy just fall down and die somewhere? quick clap your hands!) and whoever the 3rd child is will share with scarlet or conrad, depending on the gender, and one of them could be thrilled or really upset. secretly i hope for another girl and boy. and then a bigger car. perhaps a mini van? can you imagine the horror of the dorkiest car ever invented? yet SO practical! now, don't get too excited. i know (hope) i won't get pregnant until they are both in school. kindergarten at least. etc etc etc. i like the idea of being a young mom also. many of my friends have pointed out that my kids will be out of the house when I'm 40 (and jeremy is 36 RIGHT now ya'll...yes I'm 12 years younger than him. i love to bring this up to him 900 times a day. the very least.) i'd love to have kids while I'm really young so I'm not grey haired and crippled like my old man husband. (he loves when i bring this up too.)

i love the idea of my children crawling up into my bed and us having heart to hearts. family nights, family bike rides, swimming in the pool, the girls helping me bake cookies, the boys outside digging in the mud etc etc etc... big families are where its at! the girls can go to dance class together, and be each others support in school. i really hope scarlet and conrad are close and loving to each other when older. if not mommy will ground them till they are 18!! but seriously nursing. words can't even explain the wonderfulness that is nursing! you and your baby all alone in the middle of the night, and all you hear are baby coos and the sound of your precious baby devouring your chest. and the tiny hand that rests on the top of your gigantic engorged breast?! WHAT COULD BE BETTER?! ice cream? HARDLY. sex? actually..maybe so....

OKAY but this house! this gorgeous house that consumes my EVERY waking thought! where is it?!

theres this hidden little street here in mesa filled with Victorian homes and the house on the very end of the street was for sale! it was white with a wrap around porch on the end of a cul-de-sac. the backyard had horse stables! but could you imagine?! complete with a pool and spa. i peeked in and the floors were wood, crown molding, and a dining room with red walls (MY VERY FAVORITE!). the door was glass and my heart was bursting in every direction! i made jeremy call the realtor immediately and it was JUST sold! oh woe is me! every now and again i make jeremy drive me by my dream home and its currently being fixed up by someone! we wonder if someone bought the house and is flipping it (even though its in perfect condition). hopefully someday it will be for sale again and it will be MINE! and i can look back at this post and say YES! IN YOUR FACE! (why am i being mean to myself?)

so what are your thoughts? is 3 really hard? or do i got it in the bag?

i'll stop by and take a picture of it hopefully tomorrow to show you all just what I'm talking about.


(when we locked the kids out the other night. yes, scarlets naked)