sept 9, 2012

scarlet had something happen to her and she started to cry. she then said "I'm mad! I'm really really mad!"

Conrad loves hocus pocus. theres a part in the movie where bet midler says " oh look, another glorious morning, it makes me sick!" Conrad now walks around the house and says "it makes me sick!"

Conrad was talking to my mom about pirates of the Caribbean and he said "its kind of scary, but its also kind of fun".

jeremy and i took conrad to dineyland and left scarlet at home. conrad is now 40'' and can ride some big rides there. Disneyland closed early for a cast party so we weren't able to go on pirates, his favorite ride. while walking to the car he stepped dead in his tracks and said "WAIT, WE DIDNT GO ON PIRATES!" and started to slowly walk backwards like, dude! you guys! we can't go home without doing this first!

Conrad will sometimes tell us when he has to go to the bathroom. number 2 to be exact. he always asks us to close the door and turn off the light and he goes! so smart that little boy.

conrad is 3 and knows all his colors, shapes, numbers, letters, the alphabet. he is so smart! i have a password of my  phone and he can decode it after me showing him the combination only twice! and its not an easy squence like 1234, the password is 1303. i feel like he's so smart.

right now the kids are obsessed with the labyrinth. they actually can recite the entire first part of the movie. like WORD FOR WORD. its really really crazy.

scarlet is 2. she sometimes goes potty in the toilet. she's also very smart. talks a lot and is SO adorable!

they have been to nursery twice without crying. EVER. jeremy and i usually have to sit in nursery with them or they will go insane. its the worst. but today they stayed the whole time! it felt so weird because they are the only 2 kids in nursery in the crestline ward. it felt like i had a woman babysit my kids for free. hmm?

jeremy is looking for a job still and i think he may have found one. he flys to new york this tuesday sept, 11 2012 which is the date we were sealed in the temple! bummer!

living with my parents has been hell on earth. my mom and dad do not treat me like an adult and are very immature. we fight a lot. my parents change their minds all the time and never remember that they do. i can not wait to finally live on our own again. not having a job is the worst thing and hardest thing I've  had to go to. just yesterday we found out someone hacked into our bank account and stole all of our money. we literally have 0 dollars to our name. it is not a fun feeling at all. :(   i feel helpless and out of control of most things. thats all i feel like updating for now.

the best jerry, the best!

Tonight Conrad cried his eyes out when I put him to bed.
I knew he would.
After I picked him up the third round to rock the little boy to sleep he went insane. Crying! AND crying! Is he teething? I put numbing gel on his gums, made him bottle #2 and after let him suck on a cold teething ring. We laid on the couch for a while till finally I laid his little body back in his crib. I looked down at him smiling and he looked back up at me, and we both started laughing hysterically. We couldn't stop laughing!

It was one of the best moments of my mommy-hood.

And yeah, that was the final round of crying.

Ha!

soul surfer

i don't usually do this. but i will for you.

today Jeremy and i packed up the truck and took the kids to the beach. now i, being the hands on overbearing mother than i am laid out a towel and almost immediately took a nap leaving Jeremy to the wolves. (psst, that's code for the children. wink face)  It was wonderful.
 When I woke up Jeremy had been bit by the wolves because he was all like "I'm just a little sick of watching these kids all by myself" and then a seagull flew by and he kinda faded in and out and i thought is my mascara all over my face? and how tan do i look? i wonder how long those people next to us have been there? was i snoring? did my butt look skinny? Jeremy's voice slowly faded back into my ears so i deglazed my eyes and said some sort of "Zzzzzsooeerrry me tired me go play with pack of baby wolves". why do i keep calling my kids wild animals?

I slivered out of my mink scarf and Hermes frock and tied the string above my bikini to make it so my voluptuous breasts wouldn't fall out like a bag of apples from the back of your range rover.

okay I tried gracefully to take off my target romper i bought 3 years ago and put on my over sized board shorts to play with the kids. IF I HAVE TO. spoiler alert, i was not wearing a bikini. i wont be offended if you feel you've been lied to and want to click the X in the corner. go ahead. DO IT. MAKE MY DAY. SEE IF I CARE? please don't go. I'm sorry baby, sometimes i just get so scared.

i tried getting my kids to play in the warm ocean water with me. should i retype that sentence? WARM OCEAN WATER. like Betch are we in Hawaii? this is California where the water is always at a delicious mind numbing temp that gives your skin goosebumps that you're not quite sure will ever go away? you know what I'm talking about, bob.

scarlet was brave until a wave totally B-slapped us across the face and ruined our hair and she was like OH-HEEWWWAALLL-NAH ma, i just got ma hurr done did. so i took her out of the water and begged for my little boy to join me! Conrad! Honey! Come to Mommy! Mother, knows best!

as we walked hand in hand (kicking and screaming) into the water trustingly holding his mommy by the hand (clenching his legs around my waist for dear sweet life AND pulling down my bathing suit top. what a skill! men, right? anything for boobs. don't worry fellas, there is nothing there but saggy, bitter, sad, angry, nursed on for months boobies in that suit).  Conrad, he was a little more brave than scarlet. "mommy are whales in there? sharks? nemo?" and of course like any good mother i said "YES YES AND OH GOSH YES!!! Conrad have you seen soul surfer? I'll show you when we get home!" Of course i tried to make it as fun as possible. Like, LOOK! a HUGE wave is coming right at as full force!! isn't this exciting?!?! we would plop and sway over the waves and -nah-ah-ah- he did not like it. oh mother mercy no he didn't. we left the water with him screaming bloody murder and i think one of my breasts was hanging out? i cant be to sure on this one? all the while I'm playing off the whole "KIDS AM-I-RITE?" face and kinda laughing when inside I'm like DUDE! if we live in California you WILL BE THE NEXT KELLY SLATER!

i love days like this. (no sarcasm, i swear). Just me and my little family. i think I'm slowly just accepting the fact that I'm going to need eyes surgically placed on all sides of my head so i wont have to be running in circles. which do you think would be easier? the eye procedure or a nanny? a penny for your thoughts?

its a crazy stage of life and i kind of love(hate)it but i know it wont always be like this. I've heard it gets better. granted everyone who has said this to me is at least 80+ years old and probably cant even go to the bathroom themselves anymore, but you know what? respect yo' elders.

dude, this post made no sense. just roll with it and pretend it did, yes?

and can i just add in a PS?
 Jeremy is beyond the best dad. sometimes i feel like i don't even know who i am when hes around. he fully takes charge in the fun parent roll. you know that whole "I'm so glad when daddy comes home bull crap? ITS TRUE!. Dem kids LOVE their papa. He plays with them in ways that i wouldn't even think up! i kind of just sit back in a daze and wonder who i am as a mother. when its just me and the kids I'm so used to our routine. just us. and i know I'm good at it. but when daddy comes home I'm suddenly the slave/boring parent and I'm like okay thanks a lot, i totally wiped poop from your butt like 10 times today and you run into daddy's arms?! how fair is THAT? but i really secretly love it. and i think we all know why.   --because i get to check my instagram in peace.

color me unimpressed.

this is what Jeremy's sister thinks of me. AND I DIRECT COPY AND PASTE QUOTE!

(quick bio on Shelley: its Jeremy's half-sister, she's 40, has no children, has had surgery to prevent  children even though she was not married, has said "she hates kids" and has two dogs she thinks are kids! that seems like a contradiction of some sort. thats the sum up! enjoy!)

 "i don't know whats happened to you. (referring to Jeremy) you live in a "Lauren fantasy world" someone with little or no work ethic, no skills to get a job and contribute to the household, and holds no responsibility when it comes to having children. in the real world, especially for someone who hasn't held a job the entire time you've been married, doesn't leave their children for a week because their too stressed to deal with them, maybe if she had thought about the consequences to having sex and being responsible, other precautions could have been taken."

instead of writing something directly to her, i'll just explain what is my "Lauren fantasy world". its really fun you guys, we have no responsibility here! ITS THUNDER DOME!


lets start from the top then shall we?

congratulations! you're pregnant! you will spend the next 10 months (not 9, i know, they lied to you) of your life growing a human child inside you! if you're anything like me, you will throw up all day long! it doesn't stop! don't worry, everything you eat you will soon be able to picture what it looks like in a porcelain bowl in about 20 seconds. your stomach will emerge into a huge beach ball and you will feel like a whale. do not fret! this is normal! some woman get "battle wounds" aka stretch marks which i did not have the privilege of getting. some woman even get them on their breasts! after you're over the "morning sickness" phase (this too, is also a myth. hint: it lasts all day. not JUST the morning! i know! can we file a complaint whoever came up with that phrase?) your mouth will taste like a penny all day. this is normal. soon will you start peeing your pants every time you lean over into the toilet. may i suggest you always have a towel underneath you? no need to thank me. (i was on bed rest for the last 4 months of my pregnancy, some woman skip this phase :)
 around your 6 month mark you will start to feel very unattractive. you can't sleep on your stomach anymore, your back aches, your ankles swell, and nothing fits. you will wake up to go to the bathroom about, oh, lets say, 7,000 times a night? that seems about right. you'll start to have really weird dreams and it will be really hard for you to get off the couch. soon labor will begin and yes, the rumors are true. it hurts. some woman have their husbands take them to the hospital when they go into labor. NOT YOU SILLY! your husband will be across the united states! my thoughts exactly! he'll spend $500 dollars to rush home and in a few hours you will have your baby! oh, your new mother in law will be with you while you are having contractions. you LOVE this. you didn't really want the man who helped make this baby to be with you did you? this ISN'T the movies!

next stage!

congratulations! you just had a baby!
 you are very sore now and will bleed out of your "womanhood" for a good 4-6 weeks. gushing blood really. you wear thick pads almost like a diaper. you have a newborn. its the best feeling in the world. you couldn't love anything more in your life! after a few days of your new child sucking on your now 45-DDD breasts your milk will come in! HUZZAH! do you know what "engorged" means? look it up. you'll need to know, because that's what your breasts will become. if you so choose to breastfeed your breasts will turn into rock hard volleyballs that will need to be relieved every 2 seconds. it hurts in the beginning and you get used to it. eventually. soon you'll get used to having your breasts exposed for almost the entire day, and any shirt you wear will become encrusted with your own milk. this is very sexy to your husband.
 oh yes that's right! your husband! you may have forgotten about him because you've been busy bathing a baby that is a little limp like a rag doll, changing "tar" poop, (turns into mustard poop, then mushy poop, then REALLY STINKY POOP) (and yes it will explode all over your fresh duvet on your bed) burping, swaying, comforting, trying to decide if its just gas? he's tired? maybe he's hungry? maybe his stomach hurts? did he poop? is he sick? was that a cough? maybe he's too cold? too hot? wants his mommy? daddy? to be entertained? is there an ant in his shirt? does his newly circumcised penis hurt? are we out of diapers? i just nursed him, but maybe he needs to be nursed again? oh he just exploded poop out and its all over himself and your hands and you just changed your shirt, his shirt, and just finished draining his bath water .3 seconds ago. and he also just spit up on you. some just got in your mouth. OH RIGHT YOUR HUSBAND! yes, no, you can't have sex with him. and when you do, i'll just say this. "razor blades". that's all I'm going to say.

next stage!! another one?!

congratulations! you have a toddler and a newborn! what are you going to do now?!
 your husband travels to the east coast every single week. FIVE days a week to be exact! You now have to do this all on your own! don't worry, you're also in another state where you don't have any friends or immediate family close by. post-pardom my ass! right?!
 your life now consists of managing two different nap times. you have a child who goes to bed at 9, and another who wakes up AT 9pm and stays awake until about 5am! don't worry! you'll get at least 2 hours of sleep before your other baby wakes up. life isn't cruel, silly head. you didn't think life would let you go on with ABSOLUTELY ZERO HOURS OF SLEEP NOW WOULD YOU?
 You are out of groceries. its 114 degrees out. what do you do now? well first you run down the stairs of your apartment building and go turn on the car to start up the A/C. you cross your fingers no one steals your car.  BUT FIRST you can't leave home without a diaper bag ya'dumb idiot!! first, make sure your children are fed, rested and happy before you leave the home or.......well, you'll see. (WINK FACE)
 in said diaper bag you will need diapers, (uh duh) wipes, snacks, toys that make noise, bottles, blankets, keys, wallet, diaper cream, vaseline, pacifiers, hand sanitizer, maybe a little snack for yourself, (if you must be so selfish to think of yourself at a time like this).
 lug both children in your arms down the stairs. success! your car is still there! i guess all those prayers are working?!
 you will be sweating profusely at this point, just get used to it. the world is VERY impressed if you've managed to throw on some mascara and a clean shirt. *clean shirt optional.*
 once you get to the grocery store both children will be screaming. do not be alarmed. this is normal.
 first you circle the parking lot to get a spot up front towards the store. you finally find a spot! ......at the very far end of the parking lot and there is no grocery carts in sight. don't forget your 60 pound diaper bag and children, (both of them) and waddle as fast as you can up to grab a cart! the first thing you do is hand them toys, snacks, bottles, your car keys, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY ANYTHING to make them happy! HAND THEM AN ENTIRE BAG OF CHIPS ROLLED IN SUGAR IF IT MAKES THEM STOP CRYING! your kids will then begin to throw everything out of your cart, or demand that they eat whatever it is at.that.very.second.  you try to explain to them that they can't eat that bag of flour, but they don't care. THEY WANT THAT BAG OF FREAKING FLOUR.
 you finally arrive home. bring both children up into your apartment. you run up and down the stairs unloading gallons of milk and cases of water and yes, you forgot almost 99.9% of everything you needed at the store that day. this to, is normal.

moving on!

wait! you're still here?! well gold stars all around! you've survived life with children! is there someone who gives out an award for that? -oh there isn't? oh, no one really recognizes what you do? wait i don't understand? you mean to tell me, that AFTER ALL THAT NO ONE EVEN GIVES YOU A TROPHY FOR THIS STUFF?!

so every single day you:
wake up at an ungodly hour, change diapers before you can even go to the bathroom yourself? feed 2 other humans, dress them, play with them, teach, kiss, hug, nurture, discipline, love, cuddle, scold, make their beds, clean up their messes, fill up their sippy cups 4 million times a day, change the sheets they just peed in, change another diaper, play "find that smell", deal with tantrums, sacrifice showering when you want to, try to make an important phone call only to be interrupted by loud squeals, cries, wants, needs, voices, toys clinking together, kids fighting over a freaking piece of lint! LINT YOU GUYS! try to talk to your husband when he gets home from work only to have 2 other children tugging at his legs, trying to talk to him, one is crying because the other won't share, make dinner, clean up dinner, sweep, vacuum, clean the toilets, bathe filthy children (nightly) lotion (nightly) make sure there is clean clothes, pajamas, etc..., groceries, toys picked up, diapers on hand, medicine on hand, stay up all night holding a sick baby, a crying baby, a needy baby, a cuddly baby, a happy baby, just because you feel like holding your baby baby, clean the windows, pay the bills, do about 7 loads of laundry and realize you haven't folded one piece of your own clothes, tickle, giggle, make silly faces, arrange play-dates for social interactions, be creative on a 20 second basis, build forts, scrub crayon off the walls, play pretend, hide-n-go-seek, make snacks, make 4 different dinners for them all to be rejected, listen to a child cry uncontrollably when you are trying to deal with a stressful situation, have others judge the way you raise your children/talk to them/treat them/dress them/etc, have others give you unsolicited advice, talk to random strangers and tell them information about your children because they asked, deal with people trying to touch your baby, watch your kids every move almost every waking second of the day to make sure they don't eat poison, get kid-napped, drown, cut themselves, fall, scrape their knee, hit another child, make sure another child didn't hit them, hold them while they teethe, clap for them when they walk for the first time, teach them their first words, colors, shapes, how to spell, to be polite, to be kind, gentle, soft, nice, creative, smart, happy, sacrifice extra money for clothes for them. instead of yourself? wait, huh?  when its nap time you do chores instead of play on Facebook? go to bed at 9pm on a friday night because theres no such thing as a day off. rearrange your whole entire life, marriage, social life, all for a kid, AND YOU DON'T GET AT LEAST A GOLD STAR FOR THAT?! well thats just silly. silly, silly silly.

so, who wants to come live in my fantasy world?! anyone, anyone?

a letter to myself.

dear 25 year old lauren,
hello, its you! how are you?
i'd like to give you some advice for the future and give you some insight about who you'd like to be. you're welcome you adorable creature you.

first and foremost these past 11 days have been very, very hard on you. you're husbands sister has lashed out in an argument between your husband and to make him angry said the meanest most awful things about you. they rocked you to the core and hurt your heart and soul. she said Jeremy lives in a "fantasy Lauren world" "someone with little or no work ethic, no skills to get a job and contribute to the household, and holds no responsibility when it comes to having children. in the real world, especially for someone who hasn't held a job the entire time you've been married, doesn't leave their children for a week because their too stressed to deal with them, maybe if she had thought about the consequences to having sex & being responsible, other precautions could have been taken."

at first this made me sad. why does she think i am a bad mother? are they not alive and well? happy and fed? tickled and bathed on a nightly basis? know primary songs from our church and give really great kisses and hugs. this is coming from a 40 year old who has said "she hates kids" and never wants any.

I'd like to tell you this Lauren. you are a great mother. keep doing what you are doing. you're doing great. sure you've made some silly mom mistakes, but everyone mom goes through that. and its okay.

 remember that one night when you had just given birth to scarlet, had a 12 month old and had an appendicitis and your husband was passed out from NyQuil and was not able to help you during that night of the worst pain you'd ever felt in your life? you could barley move your body, but you stayed up all night nursing your little girl, running downstairs to change your other babies diaper, and so forth for the other newborn. that night was pretty rough. bad mom?NAY!

remember when you went on bed rest 3 weeks after you were married (and pelvic rest no less, NO SEX! RUDE!)  up until a month before delivery? you did all that for your son so he could be alive today. don't forget how you were all alone in the hospital for days while your husband was in Georgia on business. you had just moved to Arizona and was new to a family you had just married into. you were so lonely and sad. but you got through it. good for you.

don't forget the times your husband traveled for 5 days a week while you lived in Utah and did it all on your own with no help at all. your brother Nathan would drive an hour to babysit your kids on the weekends when you really needed a date night. tell him thank you again for that.

Lauren, remember you are a great mom. you love them very much, and love your husband more than anything in this world. I'd like to tell you to never be that mean girl. please be kind to others. i know you are so sorry for all the fights you've ever been in with old friends. you are not that person. be kind to everyone. you've finally met someone who has been even more evil than you could have ever imagined. you thought you were tough until you met someone who could take it to a whole new level and you now know how it feels. don't be like this. always have the light of Christ, and be the best person you can be. know who you are, a daughter of god. and quite frankly, i think you're pretty cool.

stay strong. this too shall pass.

today was long and hard.

as i scrubbed my bathrooms and floors, only to be splashed and played on almost immediately.  i wish i were even slightly exaggerating, i thought, damn i have a good life.

later as the day progressed, and the kids began the terrible bewitching hours my soul started to slowly get darker and darker. i felt angry and anxious. so many cries. so many whines. so much touching of mommy. and then i sink into my hole that i try so hard to stay out of. when i feel like my world is nothing but black i try looking up for a glimpse of light. "please don't let me go back to how i was last month." the lowest of depression i'd ever felt in my life. i wanted to be in a coma, i couldn't even handle my own emotions. my mind, spirit and soul couldn't bare to be with my physical body. not even a good hard prayer could help. it was depression all right. and it came with an entourage. anxiety, panic attacks, crying over nothing. i couldn't even watch tv, it made me too angry.

i slowly slipped out of my PMDD and i started to feel like life was being injected back in my veins. my heart didn't weigh 100 pounds, my heart rate slowed down, sunshine in my soul.

and then 28 days later the same demon comes back to haunt my body and mind.

Jeremy took me on a date tonight. i couldn't believe i was able to make it out the door with the kids without punching a wall. it felt liberating to drop them off and drive away in silence. i didn't even feel like talking. i soaked in the silence. sucking in deep relaxing breaths. Jeremy and i didn't need to talk. we both knew what we wanted. peace.

when we arrived home after out date anxiety hit again. the crying started back up. "no naps!" "i want a bottle!" "i want to sleep in your bed!".

Jeremy and i laid our children down, and they put up a hard fight. i dragged my body to my bed and collapsed with exhaustion. "i can't do this anymore. i need a break. but i feel guilty leaving my children." we started talking about back when we dated. how stupid and young i was to have made the mistakes we made. i tried explaining it in words. "this sounds awful, and i love Conrad, and i wouldn't take it back, but i would. how could we have been so irresponsible? why weren't we more safe? i said.
" and..., i know we could take a vacation, and even if we sleep all day, i still have two big responsibilities waiting for me at home. that will never go away. they are mine forever and i can never go back to the way things were. the only thing that mattered was me, and i miss that. its just so much to take in, you know?" Jeremy nods and understands. "and it will get different. as they grow older, we'll have new problems to worry about" Jeremy explains. suddenly i feel even more overwhelmed. "i know." i said with my head on his chest.

sometimes its too much to think about. i am no longer just Lauren. i am in charge of two (three?) people and their well-being. can i take on this task? its so hard when i feel so low.

when i feel this way i want to rebel. i don't want to go to church, wear my garments, have relationships with family members. i feel out of control and i just want to be treated like an adult. the constant worry of the judgement i feel from my parents, Jeremy's parents. how i dress, how i raise my children. its all too much to take in.

I've never thought in my life i'd come to such a low and happy place in my life. my whole entire life changed one fall night. i sat in my boyfriends bathroom alone, with a plus sign staring me right in the face. i look at the towel rack with my mouth open. tears welling up in my eyes. "how will i tell my mom?".

i'd say i had a happy ending luckily to all this madness. heavenly father knowing what was best for me. he knew scarlet was supposed to come quickly after, and for what ever reason he thinks i can do it. i hope i can. its just really hard some days. and today, was one of those days.

hap. i. ness.

oh hi there. do you come here often? wanna order a pizza? i'll tip.

lately I've been so unseasonably emotional lately. which makes a lot of sense considering i just ended my period (OH HI THERE TMI) and I'm all like WHAT THE HEY body? usually before i start my period i am in the woes and the ohs! and the i don't wish to get out of bed today but thanks for asking conrad and scarlet. theres fish fingers in the microwave, heat it up if you get hungry. (matilda quote anyone? anyone?) so back to my pointless rant. boy have i ever been emotional. but like, the good kind of emotional where you cry over a wheat thins commercial because WHO DOESNT LIKE WHEAT THINS? and then tonight while i watched ABC's titanic i was like sobbing? and then reading a blog post on a newborn baby, i was super annoyed because i had just done my dern make up. mascara, EVERYWHERE. so, so rude.

and then tonight while scarlet requested i sing tangled for her, i felt like i had snorted a line of ecstasy i was so happy. I'm a really good mandy moore impersonator and stuff.

and then when jeremy came home from grocery shopping for chocolate he surprised me with bomb pops and i wrapped my leg around his waist and started dancing to which he replied "I'm not in the mood for this" and i laughed and danced harder and after all, he did marry a child. i like him.

and i don't even hate people like i usually do. ok lets not get carried away, i still loathe a few people. and I'm not even on anti depressants!

and isn't this an odd post? its the after my period high. its really nice. but did i mention i PMS like whoa? its bad. but i won't think about that now, i'll think about that tomorrow. after all, tomorrow is another day.