j+l

SUNDAY FUNDAY!!

2012-02-10T22:28:00.000-08:00

Jeremy and i were asked to speak this sunday in church.

the sunday we were asked we sat in the front row FRONT AND CENTER, NICE TO MEET YOU! bonus: we came in late. so as i walked from the very back of the chapel down that long, long, aisle to the VERY FRONT ROW i could feel everyones eyes burning on my christian louboutin six inch stilettos. Okay my shoes were from Marshalls but lets not get off topic here shall we? we are giving a talk in church for goodness sakes!

As we sat in the front row I tried to remain as incognito as I could. you know, lay down on the pew, putting my face in Jeremy's coat jacket, silencing my cell phone..what normal people do when they don't want the bishopric to notice you. oh side note: we came in late that sunday. oh but did i say that already?

Church is over. We're headed out the door. FREEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! after three very long hours in half nursery/half the hallway with crying kids/the opening prayer in sunday school before the nursery leaders dragged my sorry behind BACK INTO NURSERY. (i hate you guys by the way. jk i love you. jk i hate you. unless you're reading this then you're doing a great job not calming my kids down.)

okay wait, where was i? okay. walking out of church two girls stop me to chat. they talked to me so long that a member of the bishopric just so happened to grab jeremy by the neck tie and say in a cold deep smokers voice, "we'd like for you and you're wife to speak this sunday". actually he had one of those machines you hold up to your throat when you lose your vocal cords, and I'm totally joking...

I finished up talking to the girls making pretend plans with them (in my head, because i hate making play dates with girls i hardly know, SO SUE ME!). My husband and the member of the bishopric are standing there and jeremy informs me "WE'RE SPEAKING THIS SUNDAY!!" to which i replied (this is a true story) "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" (and i threw my head back)(No seriously, i threw my head back. While this poor man was just standing there.) They both laughed and I did not. NO I DID NOT. I kept a straight face and said "Well didn't you tell him we'd be out of town?! Because we're going out of town remember?!" Again they both laughed. Again I said, "no seriously, i don't want to!" and then the laughs became just a half smile. Jeremy eventually walked away and it was just me and this evil man. So I said again, "no but really, thanks for ruining my Super Bowl sunday". To which he replied by looking down at his shoes and looking so uncomfortable he'd probably rock in the corner and cry if he wasn't in a public place. I giggled my feminine laugh and said "Oh I'm just kidding!!" and then he smiled and I walked away.

On the way to the car I told Jeremy "I told you we shouldn't have gone to church today!".

okay but on a more serious note. is it safe to say i have writers block? for a church talk. because i do. i can't even think of an introduction for ourselves. I'm at a total blank.

So far I have...

"Hi, im lauren but my friends call me law rhen, JK!!!!!!!!1 and we're the hoovers! like the vacuum!!! (and i'd whisper under my breath...)"at blogspot.com"...

2012-02-03T13:42:00.001-08:00

nursery.

2012-01-08T21:19:00.000-08:00

hey lauren! its me, Lauren! its you! hey! you look so pretty right now. i do? thanks! no really, like STUNNINGLY gorgeous. like, you have a butt that just won't quit. seriously? yea, for reals. gee, i mean, i know but wow, all this coming from you? YES! you incredible creature.

today marked the day of both kids going into nursery!!! don't be alarmed. that noise you just heard was angles blowing their trumpets in your living room. wasn't it magical? did you get goosebumps just READING that? i know, me too. lets hold hands.

in our church. when your child turns 18 months they get to go into nursery! ---oh sorry, i'll tell the angles to stop blowing that horn. they can't help it every time you read that.

so i blissfully skipped and leaped and did lunges and ran and jumped along the wall and did cart wheels and somersaults all the way to the nursery doors. in a DRESS no less, you guys! i shoved conrad in with all my might, and gave him a glass of water, and patted him on the head and yes this is all stolen out of the grinch who stole christmas. no but really, and then TEARS. sobbing, snot dripping, hysterical tears. from my 2 1/2 year old WHOSHOULDBEUSEDTONURSERYBYNOWBUTHESNOTSOBACKOFF!!!! and scarlet? oh miss independent practically strut into nursery like she owned the place. she did a sassy black girl snap back and forth and everything. and then she taught all the girls how to do the "bend and snap" and all the boys were drooling over scarlet. oh my dear scarlet!

except, once conrad started to SOB then scarlet began to SOB and then i began to walk out of nursery and not look back. and then the nursery leader said WHY DONT YOU STAY?! and then jeremy laughed a hard evil laugh and peaced out of there! i held out my hand for him, and when the door shut i looked out that glass window and held my face right up against it and i began to sob.

so for the r453464564Ed4533435 sunday in a ROW, i was in nursery YET AGAIN. and don't get me wrong i LOVE(hate) it in there!! and then when i asked the nursery leader if they mind if i just "slipped out" she said "WHY HEAVENS NO!!! stay at LEAST 2 weeks!" (no i swear to you, she said that) and then i threw a tantrum and threw my goldfish crackers on the floor.

i dreamed of the day both my kids would be old enough to be in nursery. later suckers! mama gets 2 free hours to herself! (where obviously i would skip church, get star bucks and take a nap in the parking lot) BUT NO! they cry. and so i stay. and i do so with a heavy loving heart.

so let it be known you guys! if you think I'm inactive, just peer through the nursery doors and you'll see me, melting small small small. (primary song joke. if you're mormon you get it. if you're not, its about a snow man. you're welcome.)

i'd like to file a complaint?

2011-12-07T18:02:00.001-08:00

every single day i pick up my house. when the kids go to bed thats when i do most of the work. dishes, vacuuming ecter-freaking-ra. so on friday night before jeremy came home i picked it up in a frenzied panic. dishes! counters! sweeping! and so forth. by the very next morning it looked like i had done nothing. saturday after the kids went to bed i cleaned the house for hours. HOURS.

dishes again. sweeping. vacuuming. mopping. the bathrooms. dusted. washed our sheets and duvet and put them back on the bed. put away 2 cases of water bottles in our fridge, organized, folded laundry. i was a cleaning machine! i told jeremy when he woke up to please help me keep the house clean because i had gone to so much work the 2 nights before and never got to enjoy it.

by 4:30 the next day my house was a WRECK. crumbs all over my floor. toys all over. all the dvds pulled out of the cupboard, tons of dishes in the sink, the floor looked like i hadn't just spent an hour totally making it spotless. it was awful. we gathered the kids together to go to dinner at jeremys parents and i tried really hard not to cry.

i was so exhausted. even just the sunday before i made jeremy take the kids over to his parents so i could clean the house for a few hours in peace. i told him if the average person had gone to as much hard work as i had 7 days ago it would not look like our house now. at jeremys parents house i had to hide my head in a pillow laying down on the couch so no one could see the tears swelling up in my eyes. it took everything in me to not break down and scream out "being a mom is HARD!!!!"

so since sunday i've vacuumed a few times, put away toys, the bare essentials but i can't bring myself to motivate myself to clean anymore than your "make the bed daily" chores. its a mess. and i care so much. its like I've been through horrible torture and i just can't bring myself to get back to where i left off. I'm too traumatized by the whole situation of it all.

and i have to admit, laying down and reading a book every night, instead of picking up for hours and then going to bed is so much nicer. but help me! what do i do? i'd rather die than pick up ONE MORE MESS. and my floors? OH MY FLOORS!!!!!!

(when scarlet broke her bowl the other morning)

its a code war!

2011-11-18T07:02:00.000-08:00

there are major pros and cons to a husband that travels. usually i think its a huge con after a 5 day work week of just me. usually i think its a pro after a 5 day work week. HERE ME OUT.

there is absolutely zero balance in anything. its either total extreme or polar opposite. sometimes he's been gone for 2 weeks at a time, and usually when that happens he comes home to find me with my hair sticking straight up, my hands contorted in a way like a 90yr old woman with carpel tunnel and I'm lying face down while stray cats groom my hair and body for me. this only happens 99.100% of the time though. see what i did there? did you think i was going to say 99.9%?

the pro to having a husband who travels is sometimes you get to sleep in! usually the first day, and heck, if he really loves you (he loves me) he'll let me go 2..and sometimes our mornings even start like this!....

6:50AM-the sound of our toddler waking up. he usually screams bloody murder in his way of saying "dear mother, riseth and shine, for i am awake and tis a day for hearkening and i pooped my pants". or SOMETIMES if you're really lucky he'll just whine at his door over and over to only be described as asking your alarm to set itself to the "nails on a chalkboard" setting and just telling it to surprise you at any given time of morning. but remember alarm clock, not after 7am because that would just be ludicrous! and your alarm goes, "dude! I'm not crazy! of course I'm going to go off multiple times a night full volume, but before 7am? you think I'm crazy?!" and i say "screw you alarm clock! you adorable thing you."

and then 99.100% of our conversations start like this. FIRST THING. (no, "good morning beautiful!" oh look, your here too jeremy.)

me: you going to get him?

jer: im so tired

me: i kept telling you to go to bed last night.

jer: just get up with him. you can take naps, i can't.

me: i know, but i've been up with them the past 2 mornings. plus i cleaned the entire house yesterday, and my body hurts from working out. and i took care of them while you were out of town for the day. plus you kept me up all night because you wouldn't go to bed!

jer: fine but i get to sleep in next week every single day. (he just gets to make up rules like this?!)

(i swear to you, verbatim)

thats how seriously, almost every.single.one. of our mornings go when he's in town. sometimes we stick to a system, of every other day the person gets up with the kids, but then that turns into a "who did more" war.

and then i wake up and i find dishes in the sink, crumbs as far as the eye can see, a pile of poopy diapers next to the front door, goldfish crackers smashed and embedded into my rug, sticky spots throughout the tile, dirty highchair trays, piles of blankets, every single toy of Conrad's slewed throughout the house...

and then i get on my hamster wheel and begin to clean it all up again, while messes are being made as i go. but i have to do it, in case someone stops by and thinks we're growing goldfish crackers like crystal meth spewing up from the carpet. because what else would explain all those crumbs?

rofl.

2011-11-05T22:45:00.000-07:00

i kind of have this thing where i save pictures that make me laugh. i know. and a random hot picture of jeremy thrown in there

and of course, my very good looking husband.

warning! warning! alert! abort! beware! turn back now!

2011-11-03T11:54:00.000-07:00

in my whole two years of motherhood i've had to learn things the hard way.

never change a newborn on a freshly washed white duvet because the baby will spill out all kinds of bodily fluids (bright yellow bodily fluids, and I'm not talking about urine).

never wear a dress when nursing. unless it can pull down far in the front. well, duh.

and NEVER think you can leave the house without a diaper. because yes, your kid will have a blow out.

but never in my entire 16 years (2 years) of parenthood did i even think of...

THE GROCERY CART!

here are a few things that i had to learn the hard way. THE HARD WAY I SAY!

whilst trying to be a FUN MOM! i opted for the cart with the car on the front. i was all like, hey guys! check me out. I'm the FUN mom! and as i stood in line at my grocery stores Starbucks i eyed the cart as hard as i could! what if someone takes it before me?! i felt urged and rushed to grab it before anyone else! it had to be mine! MIIIIIIIIIINE!!

i ran over to it with sweat dripping down my brow (not really) and smirked at all the other un cool moms with the normal carts. YOU FOOLS! how did you not see this before me?! victorious!

i tried to strap in conrad but the straps seemed to be broken. no problem! he was entranced by the steering wheel in front of him. what a great mom you are, i thought. feeling proud i got up and proceeded to push the cart. stuck. no problem i'll just lunge my body forward to get it going. ah-ha just a little elbow grease i thought. then it veered to the left immediately, even though i was pushing straight. then it spun around in a circle in order for me to go forward towards the produce. Conrad squealed with delight! "more! again! ". after about 2 minutes in the cart he was so over it.

he ran throughout the aisles and started taking eveeeerything off the shelves. apples. limes. tomatoes. "no no no conrad, please put those back and for the love of fun get back in your car!". NEGATIVE!

things i learned as a new mom part 2.

never let your child bring in toys to the store. especially stacking cups. because they actually turn into throwing cups, and well...

he would take his cups and run around in circles and throw his cups in every direction!

i tried to put him back into his car and he acted like i was forcing him to eat broccoli and pay the mortgage. for reels dude?

for the rest of my grocery shop i kept bumping into things, knocking stuff over, spinning in circles to get the cart to go in a normal direction, and i was in the way of EVERYONE.

and all these men were stocking the shelves in EVERY AISLE so sometimes i had to back up, as in backwards, as in the opposite direction, go down a different aisle to come around to the other end of the isle that i was on. it was so so awesome.

how many times can you say sorry while grocery shopping? like a ton?

and then conrad started to cry because i took his cups away. the fake cry thats really loud and there are zero tears involved just lots of screeching and back arching. that cry. wouldn't you agree thats your favorite cry? i'll say!

my icing on the cake? it was the first time i'd been to that particular grocery store so i had NO idea where anything was. BONUS, they had an entire vegan section. very cool.

this has to be the most scattered post i've ever written. which works out perfect because thats exactly how i felt. scattered and like a fool.

and then i walked by a grandma and i said sorry, and she said "you look great!" and i was all like, "THANK YOU GRAMS!" (except i don't think i called her grams, but I did give her a good pat on the bottom as she walked by)

i like my butt. tum. bottom.

2011-11-01T22:21:00.000-07:00

thanks aunt kris. i just watched this video of myself and i couldn't help but post it of myself. because after all, i love myself. my great looks..my hair...

(click me!)

MVI_4423.AVI

a ghost story.

2011-10-31T09:18:00.000-07:00

as it turns out i am haunted with a ghost of a head cold. he's haunting my nose and head of all things sain and sea sickness and I'm not sure where I'm going with this because...

as it is Halloween after all (oh you didn't know? go check your Facebook and you'll see half naked women and yes, this doesn't mean its Halloween but they will be wearing more amounts of make up and, wait, you're right again, how am i to prove its Halloween?)

but now. a TRUE ghost story.

as it turns out i moved. into a old home. but really not that old. like 15 years. which sounds old. but i mean, 15 years? hardly.

i was trying really hard to go to sleep by clicking refresh on instagram over and over and then finally decided to put myself to bed. just as i closed my eyes i thought i heard someone walking across my room. i sat up and saw no one. closed my eyes again there was the noise again. i started to become scared. i never ever do this next part (if you've seen emily rose you'd know why) but i checked my phone. 3:00 AM ON THE DOT.

do you know what 3 am is mortal? its the bewitching hour. look it up. i won't, because its really scary.

3 am on the dot and i start hearing noises in my house. then a tapping noise. over and over in the kitchen. I'd never heard this noise before. and the next morning i tried to recreate the noise with something in the kitchen but nothing.

all throughout 3am i kept hearing strange noises. noises like someone was in the kitchen, or something brushing against my bedspread. seriously. i was terrified.

then, (i promise of all promises this next part to be true) my bed began to shake. like, literally shaking. i looked at my phone at it was exactly 3:59. and at 4, it STOPPED.

is my house haunted? or was i just sleep deprived? i have no idea. but i do know i couldn't fall asleep for the next few nights. and I'm still scared to rock scarlet to sleep in her room at night.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

means girls and nice girls.

2011-10-19T23:17:00.000-07:00

latley i feel like i've been dealing with sassy little bratty girls on the internet. I'm seriously annoyed. i feel like when i take a break to get online to relax i always feel down and depressed once i've done my brief minutes of browsing. are there still mean girls out there? are we not caring adults? i woke up this morning to an email between a girl i went to school with. it goes as follows:

Lauren Hoover
"hey i just checked my twitter on my computer for the first time in, forever! and i saw you requested to follow me on twitter and i accidentally clicked the whole page to deny a bunch of gross porn ads. any way..if you want to re send it i'll accept you! sorry. and also i feel like a jerk, i've been meaning to link your website from my blog for the header you did for me. i love it by the way, so thanks again D RAWK

Dresden Robins
Haha no worries whatsoever. We'll see I decide to follow you or not

Lauren Hoover
Ha I'm not forcing you to follow me.

Dresden Robins
Hahahaha!

Lauren Hoover
Do you think putting haha excuses you from being rude? That was rude and I was being nice. Forget about it now

Dresden Robins
Fine, I didn't want to be your friend anyway. No apology coming from me either, I'm never ever ever saying sorry."

I have to admit i laughed at her last response because i was all like, what are you 12? did you stomp your feet and throw yourself on the ground when you wrote that last part?

i felt like DUDE! MEAN GIRLS?! i then later thought of the spiritual side and instead of saying something mean like "your a B!" i really felt like saying "I'm sure you'll prance right into heaven with that attitude lil missy! (THEN followed by the b word).
instead i said nothing.

And just as I felt like most girls are more mean than nice i ironically received this email...

"Hey Lauren! I saw a moving truck at your house the other day. Where are you guys now? I know you didn't love it here, and I feel bad we never hung out at all. I kept looking for you at church, but hadn't seen you for a while. I hope you are doing ok. This may sound SO weird, but I have actually been thinking about you a lot lately.....not sure why. I felt bad when I found out you guys moved. I feel like I missed an opportunity to help you out or just be your friend. I probably sound crazy, I know. Sometimes you just get these thoughts and your not sure where they come from right?!? I know we only talked a few times.....I feel bad about that. I hope you are happy. I know I should've made a better effort to get to know you more. I guess we can be FB friends right?!? "

tears to my eyes!! i literally swelled up with tears it was SO sweet! i can't believe this woman sought me out and found me on Facebook and actually took the time out to write that email and make sure i was okay! it was just what i needed!

what an example! i hope that we can all be a little more kind to each other. because you never know what kind of day someone is having...

Gretchen, I'm sorry I laughed at you that time you got diarrhea at Barnes & Nobles.
And I'm sorry for telling everyone about it.
And I'm sorry for repeating it now.

(chewbacca! chewbacca!) lake titicaca.

2011-10-18T23:51:00.000-07:00

(thats my "I'm really intelligent" face)

while making my bed today, my perfect, well behaved children were in my bathroom playing oh so quietly. patting myself on the back and wondering why my face wasn't on the cover of some type of "mother of the year magazine"? aren't they getting those letters i've been sending weekly(daily)? don't get it.

so I'm putting the folded clothes away, and then suddenly horror. WHY ARE MY CHILDREN PLAYING SO QUIETLY? if they are enjoying themselves then they are doing deeds for the devil! satan! beelzebub! he who must not be named! the dark lord! lord voldermort?

i open up my bathroom door (which is my master bath, all this taking place steps away from me) my dear sweet precious Scarlet, is covered head to toe in toilet water, AND URINE.

before i take a shower, i always use the toilet first and then i flush after my shower because I'm convinced it will change the temperature of the water (which it won't) or that urine water will flow in my stream of clean shower water (which it won't) and hi I'm crazy. nice to meet you.

soaked in my urine. puddles of urine all over the floor, my towels, clothes. she was also playing with the toilet scrub brush like "hey mom! look at this really cool toy i just found! i put it in my mouth close to 10 times while you were tidying up the home you dumb fool!" she seriously said all of that to me. in perfect spanish.

oh dear scarlet. can't wait to tell your high school boyfriend about that one.

and show him this.

Private

2011-10-17T16:51:00.000-07:00

I'm making my blog private. I know it's a pain to log in but I'm getting readers I'd rather prefer not read my blog. So leave me your email address in my comments. Don't be shy! Even if we don't know each other and you feel like we have a love connection, I'm open to it. You know? Not weird at all.

mother.

2011-10-16T22:36:00.000-07:00

just recently jeremy and i met my parents half way from utah to give them our kids so they could watch the little darlings while we packed our house.

it all started when i was born. but we'll get to that some other time....

it all started when i woke up. don't all my stories start this way? fast forward to nap time. my kids both crying, refusing to nap. i was so exhausted this day and all i wanted to do was take a brief nap. jeremy was laying in bed with a huge headache so i was all on my own. i totally lost it. with the kids crying, being overly exhausted from the daily chores, i yanked open my door like the incredible hulk, put a hole in the wall and literally almost jumped off a bridge i was so stressed out and exhausted.

fast forward 10 minutes to me calling my mom. crying. OF COURSE! "mom, i can't do it anymore. i need help! take them away! oh take them away!"

so she did. bless her heart.

i remember driving back with jeremy and we talked for hours. i honestly, and seriously couldn't even remember the last time we had a conversation without a baby talking/crying/asking for something/pausing to ask..was that a baby crying? it was seriously glorious. all we could talk about was the freedom we felt! we could do ANYTHING. we could stay up late without regrets the next morning. we could drive at night together and not take shifts running errands. no more baths. bottles. diapers. messes to clean up. MESSES TO CLEAN UP. crying. waking up 45 times a night because you think you hear a baby crying. watch tv on the couch because, guess what! you don't have to refill a sippy cup! we could go to a movie whenever we wanted. date night didn't have to have a curfew. we could talk in normal voices at night time because we weren't scared to wake up the kids. we blasted music at midnight and danced. we did a session. we did WHATEVER WE WANTED.

jeremy even said, you have ZERO responsibility when you don't have kids. ZERO. (this coming from a guy with a JOB). all we could talk about was the fact that we didn't have anything to do! i honestly felt like i was given this strange power and life had no limits. "IS THIS WHAT PEOPLE DO WHO DONT HAVE KIDS ALL DAY?" I must have said that 94 times. In one hour.

Quick run to target? No problem! i didn't have to strap in 2 kids to a car seat, pack a diaper bag, make sure diapers were changed, they were fed, dressed, shoes and socks on, hair bow, conrads hair combed, toys and snacks.

restaurants? WHY NOT? we didn't have to worry about them being fussy and being in bed on time, or the fact that would could leave the house because we didn't worry if they had a nap at all.

you guys i mean, we were like, GIDDY.

during our alone time, i felt...empty. like life had no meaning. why i am here? who am i?! WHY AM I BLOND?! i am a MOTHER and i wasn't fulfilling my motherly needs. aside from floating on a leisurely cloud 9, i would dance with depression on cloud 6, and cry on cloud 4's shoulder.

i needed to feel my little kids on my chest during story time! i needed to get my 100th kiss for the day. i needed to hear conrad ask for a snack! oh woe was me! i was so sad. and wouldn't you know i had a terrible time sleeping. you see, i was so used to being SO TIRED at the end of the day, that by 1 am i was WIDE awake because i wasn't taking care of 2 kids during the day.

IS THIS WHAT PEOPLE WITHOUT KIDS FEEL ALL DAY?!

its taken me a while to truly appreciate what its like to be a mother. it was a really hard adjustment on me. going from a selfish life of only me, to being someone else's world. and now its like, whats the point of life without kids? i feel sorry for anyone who doesn't have the opportunity to have children because honestly, life without them is bleak. of course having hours and hours to yourself if beyond heaven, but you really couldn't truly appreciate it if you didn't know what you were missing out on.

i've kind of never been happier with my life than at this very moment. sometime tonight while it was dusk and my children were running around in diapers playing with water guns with their cousins and uncles it all really hit me. this is what life is about. family, children and love.

they've made me what i am today. a mother. its the best feeling and job in the world. life barley just started because of them. holidays are so much more special. i don't care about what my Christmas will be for me. all i care about is making it warm and special for them. all i care about are making memories with my family and kids, and creating a beautiful, peaceful home for them to grow up in.

thanks mom and dad for watching scarlet and conrad while we moved! and for making me appreciate being a mother! sometimes all you need is some time alone to really know what you're missing out on.

day 8

2011-09-24T20:12:00.000-07:00

day 8: a photo taken of you recently.

jen took this picture of me and I'm obviously obsessed with it because its my Facebook profile picture, on the side of this blog and now in this post. clearly I'm vain.

you is smart. you is special.

2011-09-23T23:51:00.000-07:00

its kind of unbelievable the things i actually accomplish during the day.

take for instance keeping two people alive. am i asking for some recognition? nah. but would it kill someone to mail me a NOBLE PRIZE OF SOME SORT?! how rude are these non mom's out there giving out awards.

so ANY WAY. i stumbled out of bed this morning to the sound a little like a child crying, and by that i mean literally a child crying. with only one eye open i scooped up conrad in my arms and said "adkjfhsjdgsMORNING honey". To which he replied "sdkjfhsjdhfssd HONEY". so cute.

and then it was friday. and quickly realized the trash doesn't roll itself to the curb now does it? so i threw on my bath robe and rolled that trash to the curb and what would you know? just a group of about 56 mom's with strollers all walking their kids to the bus stop and the other kids all standing on the curb facing my house just watching me roll my cans with zero dignity. and i was wearing those mid calf garments which were so showing, and man, i just loved that moment. LOVED.

do you want to know EXACTLY how my mornings go? do you? WELL ANSWER ME!
I stumble out of bed. greet each child with a big delicious kiss and a very honey suckle good morning, make two bottles (heat for one minute and 20 seconds, thanks for asking) change two diapers, BUT NOT BEFORE running after the kids because for some reason they despise having a clean nice butt. odd. must get that from their uncles or something? and then my day goes a little something like this....

(oh, sorry i just blacked out. its a huge blur). but i will tell you this. i change 4 diapers in 20 minutes because both of them like to CRAPPITY POOP CRAP their pants right after their bottles. i LOVE this part of the day.

ok so today i put some ribs in the crock pot. cleaned the house 18 bizillion times, (i counted) avoided a fire breaking out in my house (true story. ask conrad he'll tell you all about it) made a total of SIX waffles this morning. Conrad kept saying "waffle waffle waffle" after he'd eaten one and i'd be all like, you got it dude!

and then umm, i black out some more because its all crys and UP UP UP and books and read and" whats this?" conrads favorite catch phrase. the word of the day? SPATULA! oh man, every two seconds in case you were wondering. he LOVED playing with my spatula. and then my measuring cups. "whatsdis?" "measuring cups!" "msssssrrrr ice cream cups!" "YES! EXACTLY RIGHT CONRAD! you are smart!"

and then i some how managed to shower while scarlet found my trash can and emptied it all out and i was all like oh nah uhhh you din' scar baby! then she cried some more.

then i rangled those fools in the car for grocery shopping, which is hell on earth. but rice cakes saved the day to distract them from throwing everything out of my cart. unloaded grocery's while conrad opened and closed the garage door and scarlet cried because she wasn't being held. i loved that part. then i cleaned the house again.

then we waited outside for daddy to come home at exactly 5 o'clock from a 5 day work week. hardest week of my life. and then during the day i got really pissed and was all like, why hasn't my mom called me to ask if I'm still alive?! then she called like 4 minutes later but i was too busy to talk because i was curling my hair or something.

and then, jeremy drove down the street. and tears strolled down my cheeks. never did i see something so very magical. my husband coming home to me. i told him not to let go of me when i ran into his arms.

then i did the dishes. and swept the floor. and jeremy gave the kids a bath. and it was so nice to have someone else bathe them, because wouldn't you agree thats the most exhausting part of the day? BATHS?

and then at the end of all of this i sat down with a deep long sigh when my kids were in bed and thought about how much i accomplished this week/today all on my own and then i was all like "i didn't even brush my teeth today, did i?"

pic-a-nick

2011-09-22T16:29:00.000-07:00

the other dizhay i had lunch with my friend Jen. (thats her above) we've known each other since, umm....forever? we grew up together and i always remember her wearing REALLY DARK eye make up when she was like 14. what was her mom thinking, (FAYE?) letting her leave the house like that. and then one time in our early 5am seminary class it was her birthday, and our teacher (who favored jen for some stupid reason) drove all the way to krispy kreme (which was like an hour drive) to get her donuts. so 5:30am seminary class+1hour drive=our teach waking up at like 2am to get these donuts. umm, and jen was in the bathroom crimping her hair the whole time that day. can you believe her?!

funny.

she lives in utah too and whenever we hang out its a good time. click her name above to see the TOTALLY AWESOME picnic which SHE PLANNED, and surprised me with. and then scarlet dumped out both our salad bowls when we weren't looking and we almost were eaten by goose. or geese's? or...idk?

one last HOO-RAH!

2011-09-20T11:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday marked the very first day of the last day of the new day of the beginning of our new life in a new day! RIGHT?!

Monday Jeremy left for his LAST.BUISNESS.TRIP.AWAY.FROM.US!

Ever since i've known Jeremy (dating years'n'all) he's traveled. I would have to endure 6 days away from him, about one or two days spent together then he'd leave again.

..and then we got married.

i'm assuming we kinda knew each other. after all we had been in the same room for AT LEAST 24 hours together, probably. i'll have to check my STATS on that one.

well okay. so he left. and i'm all like YES! only 5 more day and then he will never ever ever leave us again! well, except he does have one teeny little trip to take in a few weeks, but it will be like 2 days and that doesn't really count.

i can't even imagine to begin what it will be like to be a normal family. dinner on the table by 6. A nice homemade meal by McDonald's for my well deserved husband.

And today I am grateful this is the last trip because today has been a DA-HOOZY and oh boy its not even 1pm yet!

Was it the fact that scarlet cried in all of target? or that conrad and scarlet BOTH wanted to push the cart but they kept falling face forward and crying and pulling down my shirt revealing my saggy chest or the fact that scarlet dumped out my JUST BOUGHT CUP OF COKE FROM TARGET WHILE I BUCKLED CONRAD IN HIS CAR SEAT AND I SAID "SCARLET WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME!?" (while i held her above my head jiggling her body. true story)
and then there was the dressing room when they both decided they felt like screaming at the exact same time and then scarlet threw my starbucks cup on the floor splattering whipped cream and it rolling underneath my stall door for the workers to see? or was it that she was pulling at my hair while i looked everywhere for FLAX SEED! flax seed where ARE YOU? i can't find you!!

well that was a tangent if i've ever heard one. the point to all this nonsense is that i will have a husband who comes home every night! and i don't have to sleep with pepper spray underneath my pillow and peek around the bedroom because i'm pretty sure i heard a group of gang bangers break in and they know I'm home alone! i am blond, after all. isn't there some sort of bad guy radar for blonds who sleep alone at night?

ok no but seriously, does anyone want to adopt scarlet?

update*** -scarlet only took a rough 45 minute nap. and i can literally feel my blood boiling with rage. ok thanks!

lauren and jeremy, party of two xanax please.

2011-09-19T00:45:00.000-07:00

today as i walked around the house in circles like a blond tan barbie (kidding) in an over sized bathrobe picking up sticky things and probably pieces of poop, i raised my hands to the heavens and asked, but why?! WHY?!

i often ask jeremy why i was "blessed/(punished?) with my kids being so close in age.

my first child was not a mistake, but a delightful surprise! like OH SURPISE! you are pregnant and guess what! this is going to happen! so it happened and OH BOY DID IT HAPPEN and then some hours later (13 weeks to be exact) i became so delightfully (but more like horrifically) pregnant AGAIN with my little bundle of crumbs and poopy diapers.

why? i asked my heavenly father. what are you trying to teach me? but like, could you have at least let me get pregnant just a few hours after Conrad was born? what are you trying to teach me in all this? WHAT? because i don't get it. did we even have sex that soon? pretty sure no sex was involved. what is sex again? sex.

and one day it came to me. all my life i pretty much cruised through life. jobs. school. boyfriends (kidding. not kidding). i was LAZY. i made homeless people look like bill gates, or something like that. i never really completed any task i was given. the longest job i had was 5 months. high school i got like all F's or probably lower if they could grade that way. and not because i wasn't smart, but because I'd rather just be on myspace all day updating my profile.

until my sweet little boy was born did i realize the power of hard work. and i was all like, so your saying i can't quit this job or call in sick? ditch for the day and go to the beach? oh ok. and then I'm being promoted? to C.E.O. of MORE KIDS? IN THE NAME OF WHAT THE HELL?

Now here's the thing. Having two kids have rocked jeremy and i to the core. and not just because there is two of them, NAY, NAY I SAY! but because they are TWELEVE MONTHS APART. but can you imagine the horror? i mean, people ask if homebabes are twins! both in diapers. both hardly independent and the thought of more makes us run in the corner for time out and sucking our thumb till its all shriveled up.

I'd really love to have more kids, but i just can't imagine what it would be like. We are so used to being so mentally, physically exhausted basically all day everyday, and lets not forget i do it all on my own for most of the time because jeremy travels almost 3 weeks out of the month. (with no grandparents around for a quick pick me up or a nice cold beer to help me relax. non alcoholic...you didn't think?....)

We discussed how easy two kids would be if just one of them weren't in diapers. or if one of them could get themselves a snack for the love of ghram crackers! if one of them could at least pick up the pace and order a pizza or SOMETHING to help around the house.

i love my kids. oh man i really do. but it is SOFREAKINGHARD with them so close in age.

so will we have more kids? maybe. if by kids you mean mental break downs. and sobbing into my pillow mid day.

lets talk about _____ baby.

2011-09-09T17:30:00.000-07:00

so. like i said. I've been in this weird slumpish sort of state. the kind where you look at the french fries slewed across the kitchen floor and just the thought of SWEEPING those suckers is like someone asking you to give natural child birth in front of your ward during sacrament meeting. was that a gross visual? maybe i should delete that sentence.

but do you know what i mean?! I MEAN. ok it was bad. it was to the point where at the end of the day i wouldn't even want to pick up a single toy, and ya'll i have this routine. i lay my weetle bebes to rest then i get.to.work. toys!dishes!vacuum!(everyday, yes. who am i?). but not lately. or so you've read.

ahem. moving on.

so. i waited for my living social deal of the day. every now and again its **!!!HOUSECLEANING-EL'CHEAPO!***!! and i'd drool at the site of that beautiful sentence. its like mom porn. someone can clean my house who isn't my mom? or ME?

so. yeah. i bought it. i had to fight over it. with arguments like "HEY! you just bought this and why can't i just buy this thing for me? and remember last week when you put gas in the car? why do you get to spend money and i can't?! rudeness!" SO. he let me. it was the gas argument that got him i'd say.

SO this delicious crisp morning 3 beautiful looking people showed up at my house, rubber gloves and all. i had to put my head between my legs and breath slowly in and out of a brown bag it was such a glorious site. MAIDS!

(now let me to you i was pretty stressed out. i mean, i had dried ranch dressing on my floors, FRENCH FRIES like they exploded from thin air, dishes in the sink, heck i didn't even make my bed because i was milking that cow so hard. but i mean, what is proper maid etiquette any way?)

immediately that shoved me aside and acted like dogs on a fresh piece of filet migon they were so eager and excited (I'm so sure) to get to weeerk on my house. one of them asked "is there anything specific you want us to really work on?" -"well uh, those french fries all over the floor? i really want you to clean that floor hard".

oh my gosh. it was the best. my house SCREAMED cleaning fumes. but the good kind. you know that first wiff of comet you get, and its like the best smell ever? yea my house totes smelt like that. i let them be while they cleaned because the kids kept following them around crying and what not. when i came home, i had to put my head between my knees and...do you see where I'm going with this? ITS kind of like, when you go on your honeymoon and you work that hotel room to a horrible mess. sheets flown about, room service splattered on the walls, every single towel, including the washcloths that you don't even use when your at home? all over the floor! soaking wet i'd imagine because it is your honeymoon after all? ok and then you leave your room glowing with that sex vibe knowing when you get back from laying out on the beach that it will be like nothing even happened? it was EXACTLY like that. if you know what i mean.

if only we were MEGA rich i'd have my three very best girlfriends come every single month but i mean, obviously. it was the best day of my life. besides my honeymoon. but probably not.

so tonight after jeremy and i gave our kids a bath in our sparkling clean tub i sweetly whispered into jeremys ear with a voice like butter....... "i think we need a nanny next".

yanked. stolen. again.

2011-09-07T01:54:00.000-07:00

ok i found this on a girls blog. the same blog i stole that article from. obviously i heart her ideas. but this is SO hilarious, i couldn't not steal/post it.

my life? please...proceed and read. don't worry soon to be moms of toddlers. you'll get it. eventually.

IN the head of a 2 yr old...

I wanna play with Daddy’s phone.
I wanna put on Mommy’s shoes.
GET MOMMY’S SHOES OFF MY FEET NOW!
I wanna open and close the thermostat.
I wanna turn on and off the light on the microwave.
Is there anyone here with a phone I haven’t played with yet?
I NEED TO PUSH SOME ***DAMN BUTTONS.
I wanna pick up the cat by it’s head.
I wanna throw all the toothbrushes in the sink.
HOLY SH*T I’M STARVING.
CHEDDAR BUNNIES.
I HATE FRUIT.
I want out of my chair.
I wanna play with the iPad.
I wanna go outside. No, I wanna turn the heat on.
I wanna take my pants off.
I don’t like the shirt I’m wearing.
I wanna play with Mommy’s phone.
I NEED TO PUSH MORE BUTTONS NOW.
I’m thirsty.
No, not for that.
Yes, perfect, juicebox. I’m gonna squeeze this damn thing all over myself.
Where’s Daddy?
Where’s the cat?
Where’s Mommy?.
SERIOUSLY WHERE’S MOMMY!?
Oh my God I think Mommy left forever.
Ok, there’s mommy. I want to play with her phone
Hungry again. Never mind
I just remembered not liking these pants. Get them off.
STOP TAKING OFF MY PANTS!
Wow, I’m starving. I want peas but I don’t know how to tell anyone.
Finally, peas. I like throwing these.
WHY DO I STILL HAVE THESE PANTS ON?
Oh look, a new person. I wonder if they have a phone.
Im tired.
IM NOT TIRED!
I wanna go for a walk but I don’t wanna go outside.
No, not inside either!
I need to push some buttons right now.
I hate this diaper.
My eyes itch.
WOW! Is this my toe?
STOP TRYING TO TAKE MY PANTS OFF!
I hate these pants.
This shirt itches.
I’m tired.
Stop asking me if I’m tired.
Where’s that toy that goes beep.
I wanna take a bath in my clothes.
Put on my favorite song.
Where’s the cat?
What is UP with my shirt?
Did I just hear a dog bark?
YOU DID NOT JUST TRY TO TAKE OFF MY SHIRT AGAIN!
I wanna see a dog.
No, not OUTSIDE! I wanna see a dog inside.
Is my penis still there? Good.
I peed.
I’m bored.

sticking it to the man.

2011-08-29T23:31:00.001-07:00

(a few nothingness photos, for a nothing update)

SO for that glorious update you've all been waiting for. i don't have one. i wish i had one. do you have one? please tell me if you do.

last night (sunday) i laid restlessly in my bed staring at the dark nothingness waiting for some man to call us and tell me when i am to be out of our house for good!

when this man, told us we had 14 days to move out jeremy simply said "no". like, do you just love him? how could you not love someone who is just so bold. he just laughed at the man and what could the man do? well give us more time!

all day today i kept asking jeremy if this man had called. surely he'd call by 6:30 pm tonight, i kept telling myself over and over. thats always been the time (the whole two times) he's contacted us.

i left to go tanning tonight (its a bad habit. but laying in a warm quiet bed greeted by girls who like me and the such? how could i resist?) and before i left i told jeremy to keep his phone close by for the man!

after my bed shut off i called jeremy asking if he had called. "no". how could he just tell me NO? well CALL HIM! "lauren he will call when he knows anything". "but...but...but"....?

so its monday night and I'm laying restlessly waiting for the man to let me know whats going to change my life a little. i mean, I'm excited though. i feel like I'm going on a vacation. and around my house? why scrub the toilet when we're just going to move? i keep telling myself. and its making me depressed because i live for a clean house but I'm too depressed to clean my house. does that make sense? i don't even know why I'm depressed? I've been like, DE-PRESSED the last few days. i think because i don't know where we're going to live. and i want it to be a nice house. and the only houses I'm finding are literally over 2 grand a month to rent (the houses i WANT) and all i can think about is how wherever we live we will have babysitters again! and a place to seek refuge during the day. friday nights can be our date night again if we live in arizona. and during the day i can go to jeremys parents house and his dad will put a coke in the freezer for me and make me a sandwich and things will be in order. and i can drop conrad off if i want to! and and here i am rambling. but can you imagine? like, actually living near family and getting a break during the day? especially today when jeremy and i weren't feeling well and all we wanted was to DROP THE KIDS OFF! and me saying..can you imagine living near family again? DATES! leisure! home cooking not made by me! oh the glory of in-laws!

ok MAN, CALL ME. never have i been so desperate waiting for a phone call from a dude! MEN, RIGHT?

One of the best/worst days of my life.

2011-08-27T20:21:00.000-07:00

It all started when I woke up. SERIOUSLY.

Let me begin with the beginning. Why not right? Seems about right.

We are renting this seriously big wonderful house that is in, can you guess. No! I want you to guess. Are you guessing? seriously just blurt it out already...its in FORECLOSER! whoop. As in, the owners of the house have most likely been pocketing our rent each month and buying lots of fun stuff, like beer and Vera Wang gowns and stuff. (but wouldn't you guess?)
So I've been waiting and waiting for that knock on the door telling us we have 90 days to move out and etc etc and so on.
That knock came. And offered us 14 days to move out...

Now lets begin my day.
I woke up to a delightful baby crying. Followed by another baby crying. Followed by them following me crying and wanting to...wait for it, cry.
i couldn't even handle the stress of it all! How does one move in 14 days I asked myself as my kids held on to my legs and looked up at me like "Mooooooom I can tell you're stressed and that makes me want to be really cranky and make you have anxiety attacks and all the sorts!" (That is so what they were thinking.) In the mist of all the cries and my heart racing from stress I got this phone call, like MINUTES after I'd been awake that the home owners would like to come and pick up their things that they have in storage below our house. I mean, there is a TON of stuff underground and do you know what that means? That WOULD MEAN I'd have to let random people walk in and out of my home for AT LEAST an hour letting my cold AC escape as they moved out their crap. NOT HAVING IT! No. We have the right to tell them they can't enter our house and since they technically don't own the house anymore they have zero rights. BOOM! Its like, hey i know you guys screwed us over hard and knew all along your home was in fore closer and all, but yes! sure! welcome! please come into this house and grab your belongings. No. So that's what I did. i yelled at my husband and told him THEY ARE NOT COMING IN THIS HOUSE AS LONG AS I HAVE A BREATH IN MY BODY(for the next 14 days). At around 11am I was a wreck. So I did what any girl would do. STARBUCKS.
I grabbed both kids because Jeremy was taking a nap and half way there i decided to grab In'n'out for lunch. In'n'out in Utah is like a newly open attraction at Disneyland. Picture the grand opening line of Star tours? Then picture the line for In'n'out. Exactly. So i changed my mind back to Starbucks. As I'm pulling out of said establishment a car is coming to my left and I had to stop quickly before pulling out because I didn't see her right away. i mean, I stopped and didn't even make it into the road yet and she literally STOPS her car and honks and throws her arms up at me! Normally I could let this slide off my chest but already I'm having a terrible morning and the kids in the backseat are already crying.
I make it home and the kids continue to be AWFUL. I needed to escape! Jeremy said I could go off and just be alone. Man I love that man.
i went tanning! Ahh! And got my nails done and it was so good. i then browsed this really rad antique store and had a nice little chat with the owner and etc.
On my way home I was relaxed and ready to take on my children. I decided to stop by McDonald's for a coke and some food for the kids also. While driving i merged into the center divider to turn left into McDonald's. Then down the road this jeep merges into the lane waaay after me and is headed straight for me FAST and isn't slowing down. He was straight playing chicken with me and I was like WHAT IS THIS CAR DOING?! So i had to swerve into oncoming traffic so we wouldn't head on collide! He needed to turn way after me and he should have went around me and then turned because his store was after McDonald's. Does that make sense? It was so scary and a van had to slam on their breaks so they woulnt hit me/me hit them! So i pull into McDonald's and the line! Oh curse that line! So i just drove out of the line. i noticed the jeep parked at the dry cleaners down the street. SO I marched my little butt straight into that store, burst through those doors and said " ARE YOU THE IDIOT WHO ALMOST JUST KILLED ME?!". Man did I let him have it! "You idiot! Do you know how to drive?" I then began to explain to him how I had the right of way and he can't just drive down the middle of the road 200 ft before his turn! I called him a few cuss words, explained I had two children and so on. He then asked if he wanted me to call the cops. PLEASE! i said. CALL THEM! My dads a cop! What are the cops going to do?! "They are going to arrest you for cussing at me". -"Oh i forgot, we're in Utah..where you go to jail for cussing..sure". So after I told him to burn in hell and made fun of his mullet and I was on my way home.

It was like the worst day of my life. I wanted all along to just go to the temple today. Thats all i wanted, but my brothers couldn't babysit. I needed clarity. i needed spiritual upliftment. I needed peace and sanctuary. I needed help.

I got home and got a call from my brother Michael saying he could babysit!! The only problem was I didn't know where my temple recommend was. i hadn't for months either. I then began to pray. HARD. I needed my recommend. I called my bishop for a new one and he said he couldn't make it happen tonight. I threw things out of drawers, and searched my temple bag, temple dress, tore apart junk drawers. nothing. At this point i was just sobbing while I looked everywhere. I took out every single item in my temple bag looking for it, just sobbing. I sat in my closet crying my heart out, feeling like I wasn't worthy to go into the temple because of how awful I'd been today. Suddenly the thought came to look under Jeremys dresser drawer. Crying my eyes out i ran over to Jeremy's top drawer and yanked as hard as I could. And there it was. My temple recommend. The one that's been missing for at least 4 months. i ran to Jeremy and screamed " I found it!" and sobbed hard and deep into his chest for a good 5 minutes.

My best friend in the whole wide world called me right after i had found it and i told her how awful my day had been and said I felt like god was punishing me for being so awful today. and she of course was hilarious and made me feel so much better. she said "lauren..god is not mad at you. I'm pretty sure he's more concerned at the rapists and murders over a girl who is cussing at someone". Well said Erin Durr, well said. Man do i love you. She then put me at ease about the temple because i've only gone once on our sealing day. She was a total blessing to my prayers also. She was just who and what I needed at that moment. She made me feel at ease and ready to enter the temple again.

Once I entered the temple tonight i couldn't help but hold back tears. Throughout my session it took everything in me to keep from sobbing. I loved it so hard. i loved how instantly peaceful i felt. i loved sitting in the celestial room with my husband sharing one chair, holding hands and leaning on each other. I couldn't help but sob from pure and utter happiness. It was one of the best days of my life after that very moment. Keep in mind i tried very very hard to not make a scene so i basically cried into Jeremy's chest in the corner.

So, I am back in the real world, in the thick of things. Conrad was awake when we came home, and we're still not sure what to do with our situation, but I know He will take care of us. i knew it after tonight.

**and one more big, P.S. I am on my period. So that could have like 99.9% to do with my crazy emotions today. i mean, I'm just guessing.

stories.

2011-08-21T17:51:00.001-07:00

i have like, totes a ton. (do you know what totes means? because i do. and if you dont, you are like, so totes out of the loop.)

most of my stories or adventures come to me in the middle of the work week. when i'm working hard for that money. scrubbing floors, cleaning up puke, or baby diarrhea. while the mrs. is crying from her crib mid night. i have lots to say. and BOY i will say it!

but jeremy takes his computer when he travels? (that was not a question by the way)and when jeremy is gone thats when i have the best story's of all you see? because im a single gal, out of the town with two kids and i really do have the BEST memories. is any of this making sense? it will.

i have lots to blog about.

in due time my friends. in totes due time. TOTES!

tears to my eyes.

2011-07-31T20:02:00.003-07:00

i stole this article from a blog*

(click to enlarge, duhz)

day 7

2011-06-26T23:24:00.000-07:00

day 7. a youtube video you find funny.

uhm, more like hilarious.

watch the whole thing.

Day 6.

2011-06-26T23:14:00.000-07:00

Day 6: A list of what you ate today.

Who me? Uhg I've been dreading writing this one. Cause everyday I'm like, why couldn't day six have been on day 2 when i ate nothing but salads and fruit?

But day 6? Woof. A doosy.

Oatmeal, starting the day off right.
French fries, uh oh going down hill.
Chinese food.
Baby ruth.

HEY. ITS SUNDAY. the day of eating really bad junk food right? "lay off me im staaarving"

But no one seems to comment on a single post so either no one reads my blogs, or no one reads my blog. Seems about right.

Day 5.

2011-06-21T21:12:00.000-07:00

Day 5: a letter to your crush.

dear crush,
do you know me? cause i know you. i see you walk the hallways and it seems like you look right through me. the other day in gym class i could have sworn you smiled at me, but i think you were just laughing with your friends because i had a wedgie and was trying to pick it. any way, i hope you ask me to the prom. I've been leaving you notes in your locker but then i got caught and suspended from school. just because i signed my name in blood on them doesn't mean im a "freak" as you called me in the principals office, nay, its because i would die for you and i was just trying to explain that to you and the entire board of directors. well, i know that got me expelled from school, but hey, at least you know how i feel about you. right? well..i hope you get this. just please don't call my parole officer alerting him i crossed my 500 feet restraining order. just know that i think you're pretty cool.

love always,
me.

ok just kidding. heres my real letter.

dear crush,
hi its me. i think you are like, super duper hot. i think you're pretty brave to be battling the dark lord (he who must not be named) for almost our entire school careers. remember when someone slipped your name in the goblet of fire and everyone was mad at you, but not me. it was so sexy watching you compete in those competitions. i sat next to you in potions class one time but you were devoting all your attention to this one book that some tom riddle gave to you? i dunno. any way, i just signed up for dumbledors army so hopefully we can get to know each other well in that class, that is if you can keep your eyes off the only asian girl in our school.i think you're real neat.

love, me.

Day 4.

2011-06-20T20:13:00.000-07:00

Day 4: Picture of you taken over 10 years ago.

I'm 12 here. This was taken at girls camp my very first year. It was the worst experience ever. My 'unit mom' would sit on her bunk bed in her garments. And she was like, super fat.

My favorite part is the over-alls. Good thing those are like a timeless piece of clothing, never to go out of style. I have some in every color. Including army!

Day 3.

2011-06-19T22:47:00.000-07:00

day 3: your favorite movie

Uhm. Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh?

lit.er.rally. This movie I could watch every day. And I know it all by heart.

Day 2. My Day.

2011-06-18T22:30:00.000-07:00

day 2: make a bulleted list of everything that happened in your day

Woke up around 12:30 (thats PM folks. Jeremy let me SLEEP in. As in, sleep all day sleep in. I never do this)
Did the dishes.
Swept the floor.
Mopped the floor.
Cleaned the livingroom.
Did a loud of laundry.
Vacuumed livingroom, hallway, our bedroom, scarlets room.
Unpacked Conrads suitcase.
Cleaned kids rooms.
Cleaned our room. ie: made bed, put away clothes.
Played with kids.
Took a shower with both my kids. Woof, heaven help me.
Made dinner.
Got kids ready for bed.
Left to go tanning, alas tanning beds were closed.
Grocery shopped.
Sat out on our back deck and talked with Jeremy for hours. Loved every second.
Called Jeremys Mom and gabbed.
Made Jeremys favorite dessert for fathers day.
Did the dishes AGAIN.
Ran to Tacotime for some burritos for me and the Jersters.
Ate said food.
Laid in bed with a food coma.

WOW wasnt my day just seriously THE BEST? Dont you wish you had my life? Honestly.

(i also texted all day with MUH ebf. but that goes without saying, doesnt it?)

Day 1: Introduce The Law Rhen.

2011-06-15T23:10:00.000-07:00

I'd like to thank the gorgeous Kari Williams for letting me snag this from her blog.

Seems like fun eh? Lets do this.

day 1: introduce yourself
day 2: make a bulleted list of everything that happened in your day
day 3: your favorite movie
day 4: a photo of you taken over ten years ago
day 5: a letter to your crush
day 6: list of what you ate today
day 7: a youtube video you find funny
day 8: a photo of you taken recently
day 9: list some of your favorite tumblrs
day 10: a letter to the person you hate most or caused you a lot of pain
day 11: share your favorite recipe
day 12: we want to see your teeth today / post a self-portrait
day 13: whatever tickles your fancy
day 14: a song from your childhood
day 15: a letter to someone you wish you could meet
day 16: provide pictures of 5 celebrity crushes
day 17: a photo that makes you sad
day 18: set or share a goal
day 19: whatever tickles your fancy
day 20: a letter to someone that changed your life
day 21: your favorite television program
day 22: a photo that makes you happy
day 23 share one of your current favorite tunes
day 24 time to face morph / http://morph.cs.st-andrews.ac.uk//transformer/
day 25: a letter to someone you judged by their first impression
day 26: favorite books
day 27: a talent of yours
day 28: favorite places to shop
day 29 provide the hex code of your favorite color /http://www.febooti.com/products/iezoom/online-help/online-color-chart-picker.html
day 30: a letter to the friendliest person you knew for only one day
day 31: whatever tickles your fancy
day 32: a photo you took
day 33: what you’re craving right now
day 34: your favorite quote
day 35: a letter to an ex
day 36: some hobbies of yours
day 37: a song that you like to dance to
day 38: a photo of your parent(s)
day 39: zodiac sign and do you think it fits your personality
day 40: a letter to a deceased person you wish you could talk to
day 41: whatever tickles your fancy
day 42: bad habit(s) you have
day 43: a picture of your favorite place in the world
day 44: something that fascinates you and why
day 45: a letter to yourself a year ago
day 46: photos of personal things in your life (pets, family, house, ect)
day 47: birthday wish list
day 48: a photo of you right now
day 49: hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
day 50: a letter to your reflection in the mirror

Day 1:
People call me Law Rhen. But you can call me Law. My husband calls me La La. (I'm totally serious). I live in Salt Lake City, Utah. Mom of 3. Conrad- 2 in July, Scarlet-1 in July, and Jeremy-36 (see what I did there?) Im naturally a fake blond. Well I could be blond. I might be mousy brown. But whos to know? Besides the hair gods. No I did not name my child after Lauren Conrad (yes I did. jk) I'm a cliche'. Im a mexican worker in the house, betty crocker in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. Lets just be honest here, people? I love my life, and i love my job. Whats more to know? Oh besides the fact I love the realhousewifes of every state. Except DC (goes without saying...) and lets be honest here, the new jersey ones are kinda loosing me this season. Can I get an amen?

P.S. and please, never take me seriously. Except when Im being serious.

Conrad.

2011-06-15T21:55:00.001-07:00

Dear Conrad,
Did you know I love you with all my heart? You were away from me for almost 2 weeks and every minute was pretty torturous! Your Grandma (Mee Maw as you call her) and Grandpa sent me a picture of you and I totally cried because I missed you that much! You are almost 2 years old and where did the time go? It seems just like yesterday you were born in good ol' Mesa (oh I miss Mesa). I loved holding you. I remember in the hospital you must have woken up 15 times in one night (we have the paper with every time you woke up as proof!) and you know what Conrad, I didnt mind it one bit cause I love you so so much.
You favorite things in the world are unloading all the DVD's, and you've now taught Scarlet your favorite activity so she does it too when you're napping. You absolutely insist on pushing the stroller/cart/scarlets walker or you will have a full blown melt down. You can say almost every word you hear. (Your Uncles love to make you say PENIS as loud as you can.) When you ask for something like "Dwwiiink, DWWIINNK!" and I say "Drink?" you say "OKAY!". You do that for everything. Its very cute.
Today, at Olive Garden while we were eating lunch you called everyone a "lady" as they walked by. Even the men. It was very, very funny. You are so sweet with Scarlet and you are very good at giving her every toy in the house. You put them all on her lap and she loves you for it. You play peek-a-boo with her and she squills and giggles. You're very good at giving her soft kisses and hugs.
You have a yellow blanket you carry around with you everywhere. You call it your blankie. At naps and bedtime, you find the corner of it and put it against your face. When I lay you down to sleep you go down without even so much as making a sound, and you stay that way til morning! You are such a good boy.
Whenever you have a bottle you love to lay on my lap and cuddle. Its my favorite time of day because that's when you let me hold you and I whisper "I love you" in your ear over and over and you whisper back "I love you".

You are very obsessed with Toy Story 3, Cars and Nemo at the moment. You ask to watch all of them, all day. You know all your numbers up to..well..how high can you count? Pretty high. I think 11. You know lots of letters in the alphabet too. You know all your colors, including weird ones like beige and scarlet (hee hee). You know every single shape also! Like octagons and crescents. You're seriously a baby genius. Please make lots of money and support Mommy and Daddy in our latter years. I think we deserve it. Mommy also likes diamonds..just a little FYI.

Please stop growing up. 2 years has flown by and I'd like you to stay this way forever. You are so smart and sweet, try to stay this way throughout your life my boy. I love you forever, and always.

Love,
Mom

you are a childs play toy!

2011-02-22T21:14:00.001-08:00

Ok we all know how toddlers are right? I mean, amirite? Can I get an amen? No? Lets move on.

So tonight after baths, and putting Conrad into his Christmas pajamas, tis the season right? I mean, amirite? Can i get an...okay moving on.

He sat on my lap and just SAT (SAT!) and watched toy story. HE NEVER SITS STILL. EVER. He never ever ever just sits and watches tv. I mean, amirite? Its Woody and Buzz! Who wouldnt sit still for them. I mean, amirite?!?!?! Can I get a Buzz lightyear to the rescue?! Theres a snake in my boot? Somebody poisoned the water hole? Any body? Any one?

Are you just staring at the screen with a blank face right now? Ok lets move on.

We had to take pictures to document the sweet event. CAN I GET AN AMEN?

why wouldn't i NOT make this face? amirite?

Lets not forget about Scarlet, who is also in a christmas outfit. Hey, I'm a great Mom, what can I say? Can i get a Merry Christmas darling? Happy new year too? (Her first taste of Ice cream)

In-laws.

2011-02-20T13:52:00.000-08:00

Jeremys family came into town. Jeremys Mom cooked for us, grocery shopped, cleaned and even babysat. We were able to go on a date Saturday night for like 4 hours. It was awesome. I loved having her play the Mom role while I slept in and didnt do a thang.

and seriously how nuts is this picture of the moon?

we gon' drink bacardi cause its my...

2011-02-18T23:44:00.000-08:00

This! is! the! post! you've! all! been! waiting! for!

I hope not.

My Valentines went a little like dis.

Woke up! Ahhh. The day of love. Jeremy and I were going to go out and we even had a babysitter and err'thang, but I woke up with CRAMPS (you KNOW what i mean? C'mon mother nature! Whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhy?!?!) so we decided to go out for my Birthday instead.

I came up with a cute little plan for my babes (who i dont call babes in real life) and it seemed sweet. The day would have been really lovely if I didnt feel like murdering everything in site. Hormones will do that to you I guess. Oh Mother Nature, you are a real slut. And I was not that night. And boy did I want to be. Its valentines, amIrite?! (no idea why the pictures are so small? taken from my Ipod touch ya'll)

I made sugar cookies. Color me a domestic goddess.

I got some balloons for my babes. Color me the best Mom/wife ever?!

I got a rose for Jeremy. Color me cheesy.
He never noticed until my PMS asked him "ARE you even going to acknowledge that theres a rose and a card on the counter or are you just going to ignore it?". To which he responded "I didn't even notice". GAH my husband. How I love him. But at that moment I was declaring divorce! Until I took a mydol. Yeesh.

Moving on to my Birthday (next day)

I wake up. Its my Birthday. Ahhhh the day of my birth! I was sick. I laid in bed. We stayed in. We got Chinese. Going into my 24th year with a real bang! Everybody watch out!

Jeremy got me an Ipod touch which I am ob-ses-sessed with. Obsessed. Angry pigs anyone? Thats right, I joined that crazy club of that App. I also downloaded the girl scout cookie locator, starbucks locator, target locator, and 101 sex positions. (Its not as dirty as it sounds. Except it totally is. But I'm married so back off, Mom) Who's being productive now? Sex, cookies, and target. Be still my heart.

Birthday dinner. Jealous? It was actually derish.

die. et.

2011-02-08T22:18:00.000-08:00

painfully skinny on my 21st birthday. asleep. sitting up. and i'm asleep. and very skinny.

I'm on this diet. Ever heard of it?

Ok, ok. Well I'm on this diet where I eat whatever I want and feel really, really [REALLY!] guilty afterwards. And every.single.damned.morning I tell myself "THIS IS IT!" I will not cheat today! So I go on the day eating very well. And then 4'oclock happens. Do you know what 4pm is in my home?

Meltdown mode at 400 hours. Which doesn't make sense because 400 hours isn't 4 o'clock but its my blog so just go with it. Any way back to 400 hour meltdown mode, or was it that my kids have melt downs 400 times a day? Its been hours since naps. Hours since lunch with some snacks here and there. Thats when its time to make dinner, and the time where I'm about to pass out because all I've had that day is 2 nu-skin health shakes and some almonds. So I start to weaken and say "CURSE YOU DIET!" and I shove a mint oreo in my mouth. Guilt. All the while as I prepare dinner Jeremy is snacking on chips and a ice cold coke. Mmmmm coke. Then I eat my stupid healthy dinner. But what does my sweet, supportive husband do after dinner? Eats a bowl of ice cream.
"Hey, uh can I have just one bite of your ice cream? just ONE bite! Im about to go work out. I need energy."

Ok so tonight as I talked to Jeremy and we wrapped up our phone conversation I said (for the 7 billionth time) "NO i mean it. NO MORE cheating. I wont! I just ran you know? And did my work out video...for 5 minutes..." Then Jeremy laughes because he knows thats the 90 trilionth time I've said that this week.

About 5 minutes after our conversation I had 3 mini snickers.

Then 2 more...

Then 3 more...

But thats IT! I'm done!

At least I ran tonight? right? And at least I drank 7 bottles of water. All 6 of which I drank after dinner. But it still counts right? RIGHT?

And for the record I would just like to say its not fair that I am only 23 (almost 24) and I cant eat whatever I want. And I'm sick of the excuse I just had 2 babies back to back (but I mean really, i did just have 2 babies back to back)

Wish me luck! Or send me a Chocolate cake in the mail. I'd be happy with both.

make da booty go bounce bounce

2011-02-05T18:29:00.000-08:00

Lit.er.ral.ly. theres this place called the kangaroo zoo down the street from our house. as in, if i walked outside and looked down the street and turned the corner its right there. as in, its really close. as in, how cool is that? as in, its only 5 bucks for kids 2 and under. as in, SOLD.

scarlets like, "i hate my life"

he had so much fun playing with this kid.

His face? hilarious. (for the record. parents were allowed on the bouncers to help their kiddos. and conrad cried when i first put him in this. so lets be clear im not a weird attention seeking, trying to be like a cute young fun mom showing off in the bouncer. even though i am a cute young fun mom playing in the bouncer.)

life before kids.

2011-02-05T00:12:00.000-08:00

i can hardly remember what its like. what did i do before kids? what was it like to be selfish and only think about yourself? hmm...
so i went back to my personal private blog and read about it. heres a taste of my life before i had kids. enjoy!

Monday, July 21, 2008

hello dear friend.
phew. i feel like i've been going going going this whole week. thurs i ran errands all day long! i woke up at 8. shopped, went the the bank, drove to upland for make up, got my hair done, drove home to take a nap, got ready, drove to upland, went to la, got home 430 am, woke up 11 with tahnee, got a bagel and starbucks, drove to palm springs in her car....got dinner, she trimmed up my hair...got ready, left for la from palm springs at 10, got to la around 1 am cause we were going to meet up with some friends we had met the night before. they ended up leaving before we got there cause they were throwing a party at their house in long beach. we decided we'd rather kill ourselves than drive to lb, SO we stayed in la at the beauty bar, literally the second we walked in, we made a group of friends, who wanted to leave after the bar had closed and we decided we hadn't been there long enough, so we were going to go to their apartment just around the corner, but met NEW friends instead and went to their place, after standing on the streets of la heckling people. phew.
tahnee made a new boyfriend. ok yea, drove home from la, got home 8 am....took a nap, woke up for ryans wedding an hour away! came home. slept. went to church! phew. NOW today im leaving to Utah to see Jer. dang dang dang.

Thursday night was SO much fun. went to stephen, daniel, jason, tokiko and myself. Best night ever.
Friday was too too much fun. Seriously. Im so glad we went.

and on top of everything, my bed is made and my clothes are put away. Looks like Im on top of my game. Mk, not really cause I need a job or whatever....but hey, at least my roots are done.

>>>LIKE WHAT?! Now heres a normal day for me:
Wake up 7-8 am. Change diapers. Make breakfast. Get kids dressed. Play time = my house destroyed with toys. Chase Conrad around and make sure he doesnt dump out an entire box of vanilla waffers (what, that didnt happen today? what i havent vacuumed up the crumbs yet? what, conrad just said "uh-oh" over and over while i put them back in the box) Hold Scarlet literally the whole time because she refuses to be set down. Nurse Scarlet. Put her down for a nap. Make Lunch for Conrad, lay him down for nap. I finally eat/go to the bathroom for the first time in the day. Shower as fast as I can, and by the time I'm done getting ready Scarlet is awake. Hold Scarlet while I make the bed and do chores. Conrad wakes up. Its all a blur until its time for Dinner. Bathe two children. Pj's. Bottles. Nursing. Then I eat a bowl of cereal and talk to Jeremy on the phone. Bed by 10.

Jealous?

Utah. Day:14 -Bizarro World.

2011-01-15T19:53:00.000-08:00

"He's reliable. He's considerate. He's like your exact opposite."
"So he's Bizarro Jerry."
"Bizarro Jerry?"
"Yeah, like Bizarro Superman, Superman's exact opposite, who lives in the backwards Bizarro world. Up is down, down is up, he says hello when he leaves, goodbye when he arrives."
"Shouldn't he say badbye? Isn't that the opposite of goodbye?"
"No, it's still goodbye."
"Does he live underwater?"
"No."
"Is he black?"
"Look, just forget the whole thing."

Now I don't want you all to think I'm a Debbie Downer. But I promise you every single day I try to look on the bright side of things. Maybe life ISNT so bad here. I repeat second after second. But I promise you every time I leave the house something goes wrong. I get lost. The roads are icey. I get lost. The stores I go to are in bizarro world. For example. I go to Target (you know, for home decor?) and its a SUPER TARGET! Its totally and completely not laid out how a Target is usually. Everything is backwards/sideways/upside down. Bizarro Target. They had ONE isle of home decor and half of it was gone! It pretty much ruined my day. Which is pretty stupid I know, but go with it.
Fast forward to today.
We go to Chili's for dinner. Now what could go wrong at Chili's?! (Besides the wait being 15-20 minutes, but we're in Bizarro world remember? So it was really 30.)
I order my Southwestern Cobb salad. All my close friends know I always, always order that salad. I've gotten it for years. They bring me a Cobb salad. The bizarro Cobb salad. Its not my southwestern cobb! Even the waitress had never heard of it and seemed convinced I had no idea what I was talking about and I must have been thinking of some other restaurant. Sigh.

So next time I go to In'n'out and order 'animal style' they'll have no idea what I'm talking about. When I ask for ice water it will be warm root beer. If I choose to 'Go bold!' at Del Taco they'll say No bueno?

"I'm sorry, there's just no way that we can keep you on."
"I don't even really work here."
"That's what makes this so difficult."

go to the mattresses

2011-01-14T22:37:00.000-08:00

Ok I have a confession.
Its huge.
ITS BIG.
ITS KRAZEE!

Just kidding.

Im dont like to shop. Or I'm a bad shopper. I'm not sure which one.

The problem is, I have a certain style. I just dont dress that certain style. Obviously I would dress like Rachel Zoe, Zooey Deschanel, and Ashley Olsen. I just dont shop. And because my body was just put through fat camp twice, and I was forced to eat ding dongs and ho-ho's all day [being pregnant is rough, man] its not very fun shopping.

SO. I shop home decor. I am bad at shopping.

DID YOU KNOW. I have gone to Michaels [it looked like it was closing] Target, Wal-Mart [dont hate a sister, you could find cute stuff at wal-mart] and heres the big kicker: IKEA. You know you super suck at shopping for home decor when you're in an entire warehouse for uh, HOME DECOR and you dont find any thing.

I walked. I ached. I browsed. I ooo'ed. I aww'ed. I blah'd. I dah'd. I'll stop.

All I want is some flowers, a few dressers, new set of couches, new coffee table, rugs, lamps, mirrors, bed spreads, things for the kids room, new table and chairs and more mirrors. One for the roof above our bed, right next to the stripper pole.

Other problem. I envision white, lace and splashes of a pretty blue in my house. Lots of flowers. Oh but I love a pale yellow and some vintage looking pieces. Oh but dark leather couches with deep red curtains and black black black. Beachy! Yes beachy with cream colored carpet with blues. Shabby Chic! Vintage! Modern! Victorian!

Whats a girl to do?

utah. day four.

2011-01-06T21:53:00.000-08:00

I'm going to let you in on my emotions. Something I don't like to do over a blog. But here I go.

I am depressed. I'm sad. I'm lonely. Over all pretty bummed out. I have lived in utah twice before and both times were horrible times for me. I think its something in the air that I breathe in. I hate it. After jeremy and I got married I told him I will never ever move back to utah and if he wanted to drive through it to get to another state I'd seriously have to think it over.

Today I got lost trying to get out of our neighborhood. There's like 46 roundabouts (just that word, "round about" makes me physiclly angry). And then I got lost trying to find a store. And then I got lost coming home. And then my kids started to cry and I felt like I couldn't handle life. I just wanted to sleep and never wake up.

I've been forced away from my friends and family (and disneyland) and I feel like I'm living in a personal hell abd almost every second of the day I want to cry and run away.

I've never been more miserible in my entire life. I feel so sad that my kids aren't around there grandparents. If only I knew what conrad was thinking. He must miss them so much. My heart is heavy

SLC punk.

2010-12-28T23:12:00.001-08:00

We are finally doing what we've been holding off for about 2 years now. What with me being pregnant within 2 years [excuse me while i burst into tears/hysterically cackle/gag/cry/laugh/cry/laugh] We've kinda had an excuse to not move. [For those of you who dont know, Jeremy has to live in a state in which he covers with his territory for work. Utah is one of them. Not Arizona or California, sadly]

I have grown to love Mesa so much. [I can say that because its Winter here and I'm not dripping with sweat carrying 2 babes in/out of a car]. I've made some really great friends whom I've grown to love. Like, I want them to be my sisterwives/love kind of way. You know what I'm talking about. It seems like I've just started to get comfortable but here we go to Salt Lake. I'm pretty excited because our new home is about 4,000 sq feet so Conrad and Scarlet will have lots of room to destroy my house! I've always dreamed of a masterbedroom and a backyard to BBQ in with the kids slip'n'sliding in the backround while Daddy and I watch with a bottle of burbon in our hands and the finest cigars. Oh what a dream to dream.

Its hard moving away when I love love love our Bishop and our Ward. Conrad has little friends his age that he gets to play with and we have to start all over again! Conrad is turning 18 months on the 1st and we all know what that means Moms...NURSERY! No more running after a child during church. See ya sucker!

Dear Mesa, I will always love you.
Dear Utah, you kind of suck and make me nervous, but i'll adjust. Only because you have a walk in closet and backyard.
Dear California, dont worry, i'll be back. I love you the most.

family!

2010-12-26T22:44:00.000-08:00

way too many to post. so i wont.

journal me this.

2010-11-27T22:44:00.000-08:00

you know. its funny. my blog. im so funny. not me, i mean. my blog. its funny. not me. wait, huh?

i've been so frustrated with Scarlet. She goes to bed really late, and wakes up all. night. long. i feel like i have a newborn again! its awful. im in and out of bed all. night. long.

tonight while she screamed hysterically i thought 'im never having more kids. i cant do this agian'.

so. shes asleep and i hop on my blog to read some old posts. i read how conrad wouldnt sleep through the night at 4 months. just like my scarlet! i've totally forgotten that this does in fact happen, and it will in fact get better. i found comfort in my old posts knowing that one day..far, far away, they do in fact sleep. its just really hard not sleeping anymore. can you imagine going 4 months without a solid nights sleep? and on and on and on. it gets so hard i can barley stand it. but its good to know it does get better.

any tips on making a 4 month old sleep all night?

and she only takes 2 naps a day for about 20 mins. just like conrad used to. man oh man.

kids!

mid-life crisis

2010-11-17T23:28:00.001-08:00

I'm only 23 and I'm having a mid-life crisis.

A few weeks ago I decided to be brave, daring, brave and also, daring and go to the mall. Me vs. 2 kids. I could do it. I mean, I'm an 'adult' they are just punk little babies.
I go into Forever 21, a store fit for a size 2 and young girls out on the town with their girlfriends looking to get pregnant. Right? Clothes not fit for someone who just had a baby...and has to be modest. Naturally the reason I'm shopping there.
I'm in my frumpy mom clothes, my baggy over sized Mom jeans, hair thrown into a pony, double stroller and a huge diaper bag. I'm pretty sure that day was national 'every gorgeous skinny girl with no kids and dressed to the nines come shop here and give dirty looks to the fatty with kids and act super put out her stroller is in your way'
Deep breath.
I wheel my tractor to the young pretty sales girl and ask for the handicapped dressing room to fit my wide load into. [no pun intended. or pun intended. you decide]. I begin to undress. That's when Conrad decides he wants out of his stroller. Squealing and squirming until I give in and let him out. He decides to start crawling underneath the dressing room stalls. I grab his legs and pull him back. Then begins the tantrum. I'm halfway dressed in a shirt that's way to tight and wont cover my underwear, sweating, while I'm digging through the diaper bag for his bag of gold fish. I try on shirt number 2. Shows off my bakers dozen. Conrad dumps out entire bag of goldfish on floor, scarlet begins to cry, I pick her up, Conrad walks on out of my dressing room like he owns the place. I am shirtless, holding a crying baby and trying to wipe all the goldfish under the seat in the dressing room. [a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do] I finally throw back on my t-shirt and hes halfway down the hall and the sales girl is looking at him like hes holding a bomb and he'll blow this place up if she moves a muscle.

I strap him in, both are now hysterically crying. I laughingly tell the girl 'Never go shopping with 2 babies' while my face is bright red and pretty sure my shirts on backwards trying to act like 'i got this'. I go in line to buy the one shirt that actually fit, that I don't even think is cute, but it fits, and I had to buy the shirt after all the effort I had put into coming to the mall! I stand in line. 2 girls cut in front of me. I push my stroller in front of them. JUST because I'm sweating, my kids are crying and I look like I just rolled out of bed does NOT mean I will let you cut in line dumb stupid girls!

I hold my head up high as I walk back to the car while my children scream.

Im going to loose my mind and I'm only 23. Did I mention I'm only 23? Because I'm only 23. And I have 2 kids. At age 23. and I'm about to die.

Twenty-three.

2-3.
'

show me the money.

2010-10-05T18:49:00.000-07:00

[the time i got a rash in the hospital. they said it could have been the sheets. uhm, what kind of detergent do they use?!]

im such an expensive wife.

i've had 2 babies back to back. medical bills up the ying/yang.

like seriously, you dont even want to know expensive. AND we have insurance. janky.

then i have an appendicitis. lets just say anesthesia alone was 300 dollars.

so i get my hair done. a little something for me. 70 dollars. it aint no big thang.

and 5 days ago, i realized my teeth ache so bad. turns out i need a root canal. splendid!

pain meds and antibotics till i get my teeth worked on 20 bucks.

lets drop more money. just as long as its not on clothes, or shoes, or vacations. i simply LOVE spending hundreds on taking things in and out of my body.

this is post number 99. i feel like i have to make post 100 special. maybe i'll have brain surgery or open heart surgery and i'll blog about it.

real housewifes of AZ

2010-09-16T01:57:00.000-07:00

when i see Mom's who have spare time to, oh lets say, be on facebook [all day it looks like for some Mothers] and blog, read books or even watch television, im so amazed. where do they find the time? and why do you want to spend even a spare second on the computer? why not take a shower? get yummy with your husband, you know?

my mother in law texted me at exactly 9am asking me out to lunch and so i could pick up some G's.

ok. i had exactly 2 hours to get ready. i think thats enough time.

first, i nurse scarlet. conrads still asleep. wow.

i get conrad. change both their diapers side to side. while, of course conrad protests every diaper i change of his by kicking his legs into my healing tummy, and squirming. i try to protect my very little scarlet from her terror big brother. i plop conrad in his high chair and prop scarlet on my hip and prepare to feed conrad his breakfast.

scarlet goes in bouncer. conrad goes in walker. mommy hops in shower, with curtain wide open so both children can watch me shave my legs, and sing the wheel on the bus go round and round. naturally this causes both my children to start crying. i hop out of the shower, try to comfort both my babies while im dripping wet. i attempt my make-up, still, babies are crying, but im on a deadline you know?! finally, i stop, sit on the floor with conrad clinging to my shoulder, and bouncing scarlet up and down on my booty.

children calm. i throw scarlet in her swing, and run upstairs for underwear. conrad then begins to cry, as he does every time i walk away from him. run back downstairs, continue getting ready while conrad throws everything out of my bathroom cupboards.

conrad poops. i change.

i begin to dress both children on the bed, and before i do i change scarlets diaper one last time. as i reach for her diaper she pee's all over the bed and onto my foot.

dress myself.

forget to feed myself.

and thus continues my day till i put conrad to bed, and then scarlet wakes up exactly 20 mins after he goes down for the night, until about 2am. [the time it is now]

oh, and its like this everyday. i actually just laugh sometimes because its so insane.

SO this is how I get my free time. naps and late nights. I cant believe im not sleeping. But I kinda like my free time right now. Even if it is 2am.

does it hurt when i push here?

2010-09-07T10:26:00.000-07:00

on sunday i had made cupcakes and then felt kind of sick after eating them. it really just starting as a tummy ache, which slowly began to turn into horrific cramps. within an hour i was hurling over in pain and just began to cry i couldnt take it anymore. jeremy went to get me peptobismal and some sprite hoping it would help. didnt do a darn thing. the pain just kept getting worse and worse. i, of course, had to take care of a new-born on top of all of this by myself because jeremy was passed out due to some sleeping pills he had taken to help him sleep. uhg

by the morning i called my dr and she said it sounded like i had a stomach flu and she prescribed me some antibiotics. around 3pm the pain was even WORSE so i called back and she told me the go to the ER.

we got right in and didn't have to wait at all! such a blessing because even checking into the ER i could barley stand up and I was crying answering questions, i couldn't even keep my composer.

well turned out I had an acute appendicitis after they did a cat scan on me. I was in so much pain, that even after the gave me some morphine I could still feel it!

I had surgery that night [monday] As I came to, after it was all over I remember telling the nurses 'I feel like im being really funny right now and no one is laughing" [and they still didn't laugh at that] then I began to explain temple marriage to all the nurses in the room. Awesome. Cracks me up!

I have to admit it was a nice break from taking care of kids and sleeping all night without getting out of bed almost every hour. I barley slept however, because the nurses never stop coming in and out of my room.

I broke out in rashes all over my entire body from sort of medication though? Its still all over my body. It almost looks like I was burned all over. I thought of Nie-Nie and how she must feel in her own skin. Its all on my face and neck, legs, bottom, tummy, hands.

Ok im totally writing this post on strong pain meds so it might be very boring and not funny. Sorry for that. And I dont feel like going back to read it over. uh-huh.

please dont hate me because im trendy...

2010-09-05T18:22:00.000-07:00

...everyone who looks like me is my friend.

scarlet had her first day at church! she did so amazing! didnt cry once. i was so obsessed with her outfit i couldnt wait to have her wear it. [thanks aunt kristine! xoxo]

now. A warning. im obsessed with my house being spotless. i need it clean. i keep it clean. i wont let anyone see it messy. BUT for some reason it became a disassster in the morning before church, so please, dont judge me.

cupcakes

can you see conrad on the kitchen counter in the backround? hilarious.

Mmm, very G.Q .conrad

im dying over my messy counter top.

post 95

2010-08-31T00:00:00.000-07:00

i was reading this girls blog about getting older. she said its great because your husband gets older with you. and then i got sad.

jeremys not with me right now [or ever it seems] and hes [a little*] older than me. so he'll die way before me, and i'll still be alone throughout my days without my boy.

it just makes me really really sad he travels for work and i dont get to have a husband who comes home everynight for dinner. around 5 o'clock i daydream of wifes rushing to get the house clean, dinner set on the table, and brush their teeth before the husband comes home. that must be nice.

when hes home its feels so easy taking care of children as a team. when hes gone, i feel like every hour im slowly sinking below the surface until he comes home and lifts me back up for a breath of fresh air. and repeat.

you're a jerk!

2010-08-27T19:59:00.000-07:00

you know in bewitched [the movie] when will ferrell is telling nicole kidman he can tell him when hes being a jerk? and she says it super cute? "you're a jerk! he's being a jerk!" if you haven't, i dont know what to tell you.

I am a jerk.

I remember I was looking for a dress for my sister in laws wedding. Im pregnant. Im fat. Im hot. Im angry.

I'm coming home with no dress. I'm at a stoplight behind a huge line of cars. I see a car that needs to get into the turn lane [the lane im in] from a shopping center. He didnt have his blinker on and I thought, "well if his blinker isnt on then i dont know which way hes turning so I'm not going to let him in".

Cars starting moving and he zoomed around me. It was MR NEILSON. [you know, Nie Nie's husband?]

I knew they were in Arizona because she was in the burn center for some time. He was probably grabbing his wife dinner, trying to hurry back to her. He's out on the road dealing with jerks like me.

Man. I wish I would have waved him in and he would have felt happy with the human race, dont you think?

You just never know what kind of day someones having.

i said good day sir!

2010-07-08T23:01:00.000-07:00

lovers. welcome. lay in my warm embrace. lets proceed.

I am having a baby tomorrow! So me thinks. If all goes according to plans.

I have my home birth/tub all ready to go with my mid-wife just a phone call away.

Syke! I'm all about the epidural and catheters. [Unlike Erin Durr..ask her all about her natural home birth she'll he having]

Its mostly crazy all I can think about is how excited I am to not be pregnant finally. The baby? Oh sure, sure, that's nice too..but wow, I finally wont be pregnant.

Its like a sick wonderful dream.

And speaking of dreams, I should be sleeping. I do kind of have a busy day [life] planned out for tomorrow.

Wish me luck suckers!

hello

2010-07-03T21:53:00.000-07:00

my little boy is one year old!

and really sweet friends [erin] who make me cool things like this [and a diaper cake that i dont have pictures of yet]

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im pregnant in my arms too.

my brother came home from chicago

you've really been missing out.

so, you like donuts do ya?

2010-04-24T12:24:00.000-07:00

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!

seriously, its been a while. 5 weeks to be exact. shut up, i missed you too.

heres what we've been up to.

it was our anniversary!!

[i look a little too excited to be eating dinner. and yes, i drink a coke and a sprite in one sitting. who doesn't?]

Jeremy and I went camping at the beach. Romantic, no? Theres something that screams romance when making love on the beach, am I right? no? oh.

[those were the only pictures we really took from the trip. lame! we were to busy not taking care of a baby]

Jeremy's youngest sister got married!

thats all we've done in 5 weeks. only two things.

ok not really.

ok yes really.

ok you know I'm kidding.

And currently my dear mother is in town visiting us for the weekend! Jeremy and I plan on going on a date that lasts longer than 2 hours. Watch out, we might be out past 7. Maybe, I'm already tired just ty....ZZZZZZZZZZZ

22/23 weeks

2010-03-10T12:36:00.000-08:00

i cant remember? i think its 22 weeks. pretty sure its 22 weeks. its 22 weeks. or 23.

notice my angry face? or my rockin' chest? dont be fooled, fool. its just the picture.

i'm much bigger this time around. maybe because i didn't have time to loose the baby weight after TWO months. sigh.

***We're having a girl. Due July 13th.

the pool.

2010-03-05T22:00:00.000-08:00

k.f.c.

2010-03-03T19:39:00.000-08:00

i picked up the baby one night at my in-laws from a short baby-sitting favor they were doing for me. well really, not for me, my sister in law wanted me to come to her dress fitting..but thats beside the point of this story.
i sat down to have some dinner when my mother in law said something that made my blood boil. she offended me so badly i immediately got up from the table and left without eating.
naturally i did what any pregnant/emotional girl would do. i went to KFC.
i ordered a #5: the twister, [hold on i have to put on a bib, im drooling]
my mouth is salivating while i wait for them to load me up. i hadnt eaten all day either. i asked for honey mustard, naturally.
i drive away throwing my hand into the bag to get the party started.
whats this? the wrong FOOD! No!
i go back, steaming mad. i mean, im ticked.
by the time i get back the drive thru line is HUGE. how did 5 cars appear out of no where within a U-turn time frame?
i park the car near the side door. Uhg, do i get the baby out? just to run in and tell them my order is wrong?! jeremy told me on the phone 'well yeah, its against the law to leave the baby in the car' i'm pregnant. the law can make an exception.
i run inside.
'UH. YEAH. HI. EXCUSE ME. YOU GOT MY ORDER WRONG' i say as my eyes turn to black and blood drips out of my nose.
'UH HUH YES. WRONG. I ORDERED A NUMBER 5! TWISTER?'
the sweet young girl looks back up at the board of food numbers.
we give each other awkward looks, and i say 'i have a baby in the car..' as she walks away.
i scream..like you care!
i literally ran back and forth between the car to the counter. i was going mad.
while i was outside standing by the car door a big group of indians walk in the restaurant. the big man says something under his breath [i assume hes poking fun on how closely im parked to the curb] they all laugh, and i say 'WHAT?' with my eyes wide big.
i'm fearless.
im pregnant.
dont mess with me.
he says its not about me sweetly under his breath.
i run back inside. this whole indian family is watching me go insane.
when i see its still not ready..i scream and stomp back out to the car and slam open the door. [am i sounding mental right now? did you need to go back and read that i screamed? like, screamed...just so we're clear on this...]
just as im unstrapping the baby to bring him in, the girl hands me my food. great. i re-strap conrad back in, tears swelling up in my eyes, and i drive away, and began to sob.

if only my mother in law would have kept her mouth shut.

if only i had ordered the number FOUR that was the twister meal. you see, i ordered the number FIVE snack meal. MY mistake. and the girl over the counter knew it as i was yelling at her.

Wow. I'll take one for the crazy pregnant team.

thank you, mom

2010-02-28T20:12:00.000-08:00

I don't know if it was the fact that I had a long hard day with the worlds most annoying baby ringing in my ears nonstop, or the fact that I was downing a brownie hot fudge sundae in my pj's cuddling next to Jeremy..but this commerical literally made me burst into tears. burst.hard sobbing tears that came with uncontrollable laughter from Jeremy egging me on. Or maybe it was because I'm pregnant with raging hormones? Hmm?

you may have seen it? and to my girlfriends who don't have kids yet, when you do, you'll get it.

I enjoy being a girl...I think.

2010-02-26T21:09:00.002-08:00

Today I went to get a pedicure. [Picture me saying 'Mmmmmm' for about 20 seconds and throwing my head back, eyes rolled back and drool pouring out of my mouth. Maybe I'm gurgling too and blowing spit bubbles...okay any way...]

I immediately fell in love with the cute Korean girl because she totally rolled with my sense of humor. I knew we'd become best friends after she 'got' my 'I wanted to kill myself' joke. Who cares if my feet would look awful? She laughed at my jokes! [An insant love affair I have with anyone in my head who laughs at my stupid jokes. Am I saying the word laugh and joke too much? Yes.] She also wouldn't let me read my Cosmo because she wanted to talk. Which by the way, thanks but no thanks for the sex tips Cosmo. A: I'm not a porn star and B: I'm not 16 trying to impress my boyfriend with crazy tricks..yikes! [OK maybe I wrote one or two down. Just kidding. Not really. OK just kidding. Maybe]

I notice shes staring at me. Something I'm VERY used to. [kidding again. Maybe]
"YOU NEED YOUR EYEBROWS DONE! BAD!"
-''oh my gosh! i said acting offended. I KNOW. wait I do? I've always wanted to. Wait, do you see my mole in my eyebrow? That's why..its not me..its the mole?
''Uh huh I see. You need them done bad still!"
[Oh my gosh seriously? I love her]

I began to stumble my words. I only had a gift card there for my birthday and 10 dollars cash. It was $12 to get eyebrows done and I still needed her tip. Jeremy told me to take his debit card before I went but I denied because I knew I was only going to make a secret Starbucks run with cash.

I tried explaining this whole story to her, which she looked insanely confused by.

I left with my eyebrows not done but on the way out she let in one last blow to my eyebrow ego..

''Come back. I do it for free. I pay. You need it bad''

Oh. my. gosh. Are they that bad? She was talking about the shape of them by the way. I try to nevvver let them get all gangly and gross. Im not ghetto. For the record.

She may have hurt my eyebrow ego, but at least my feet look sexy.

the best jerry, the best!

2010-02-23T20:23:00.000-08:00

Tonight Conrad cried his eyes out when I put him to bed.
I knew he would.
After I picked him up the third round to rock the little boy to sleep he went insane. Crying! AND crying! Is he teething? I put numbing gel on his gums, made him bottle #2 and after let him suck on a cold teething ring. We laid on the couch for a while till finally I laid his little body back in his crib. I looked down at him smiling and he looked back up at me, and we both started laughing hysterically. We couldn't stop laughing!

It was one of the best moments of my mommy-hood.

And yeah, that was the final round of crying.

Ha!

Mama.

2010-02-10T13:00:00.000-08:00

I've realized I refer to myself in a third person all day long. That third person being 'Mommy'

ie: 'Mommy needs to clean out the fridge.' 'Mommy needs a shower.' 'Mommy's a little crazy.'

Being in public and talking to the baby [aka myself] is no longer weird. Roaming the isles of target I have a full on coversation with 'Mommy'. People in the next row would hear something like this: 'I need to leave Target so we dont spend anymore money!' 'Nope, nope I don't want waterproof mascara, I wont make that mistake again...Bahh Bahh mama. Oh jaba boo-boo. Hello my love! Look at you!' [All me talking, thats not the baby making those noises]

I feel totally sain too, thats my favorite part.

it kills to be beautiful.

2010-02-06T22:56:00.001-08:00

Last Sunday evening Jeremy and I were enjoying the nice weather outside in front of our Condo. We just walked around on the grass and played with the baby.
While walking up our stairs back inside Jeremy noticed a man watching us from his balcony, kinda peering over at us and ducked when he noticed Jeremy spotted him.
Jeremy told me about it, and being the daring, sassy, outspoken, and very good looking gal that I am, decided to go back out and 'check the mail' to get a look at him.
I walked with my back turned toward the man and I could feel his eyes blazing on my back side. Which by the way, isn't hard to miss. Mama gots a booty, youkna'what'ey'saying?
Walking back he was gone! I even walked around looking for him. Aren't I daring? Stop it, I know.

So today I was outside playing the the baby and I hear a door open and close. I look around and see the VERY scary man with dark creepy sunglasses sit on his balcony and watch me. Now his chair on his balcony was facing directly toward me, and he has a sun protective screen up so I was the only view he had. [Are you getting scared yet?]
I sat half facing him, while I knew he was just staring at me. Watching my every move.
Looking at my golden locks blow in the wind, my creamy white skin shimmer in the sunlight.
I looked at him several times and he was fixed on me. Didn't smile. Didn't move. Just stared.

THEN Jeremy walks out and yells out something to me. The man stands up and immediately and goes inside when he hears Jeremy's voice. [Did your stomach just leap? Are your palms sweating? Heart racing? Leg bouncing? Eye twitching? Do you feel the sudden urge to vomit/or diarrhea? Mouth gone dry? Did you just hiccup/burp? Teeth chattering? Biting your nails? Screaming uncontrollably? Snot dripping out of your nose? Hemorrhoids start acting up?]

This man is plotting my death. I can feel it.

Stay tuned... if I'm still alive.

Do I even own a bra?

2010-01-12T22:17:00.000-08:00

I was filling out paperwork before getting my first ultrasound. The basic usual questions.
Height: 5'11, Weight: 102, Sex: not in the mood, i have a headache. I then came to the the line that stopped me dead in my tracks. Occupation. Well, don't they know? I mean, why else would I be here? I have a growing baby inside me. I stared at the line thinking what to write. Do I leave it blank? Do I write the circle with a slash through it? I jokingly whispered to Jeremy 'I should say homemaker' because well, after all, I am what I am. Instead I wrote in big capital letters 'MOM'. Take THAT forms. ha!

Later, as I layed back on a table with blue goop on my tummy the Ultrasound technician asked what I do. Again with the questions?! 'Oh, I'm a stay at home Mom'. She said 'OH i have such respect for woman who do that. I could NEVER. In fact, I hate other peoples kids. Yeah, i leave mine at daycare and its SO expensive'

Why would I give up my precious children to someone else? Its like I'm handing away a gem to a stranger and saying' here take my memories, take a part of my soul for 6 hours of the day'

I understand some woman have to work, but I would never want to lend my child away when I could be the one changing the diapers, hearing the squeals and laughs, watching him crawl for the first time. This woman stuck me odd. I think she was wack to be honest. Smokin' dope. Not my style. We could never be best friends forever.

I am so grateful I can be a stay at home Mom. Its so much better than any job in the whole wide world. I love it with everything in me.

On another subject. I was inspired. You know when you get these weird promptings and you don't even know that you are being guided? I kept thinking to myself 'make the bed lauren! I was having an insane case of morning sickness but for some reason I just had to make my bed. Which led me to sweep the floor. Then a light mop. And well, I'll pick up the rest of my home. I sat down for a nice homemade meal [brought by the mother in law] and after was feeding my baby a bottle before bedtime. Then a knock at the door. It just so happened to be the ENTIRE bishopric from my ward. All 3 of em', suit, scriptures and the whole shabang. Relief swept over me as I invited them in my perfectly clean home. It was a hidden blessing. [I would die if my house was messy when company was over.] Thank goodness I had the latest Ensign on the coffee table too. You know they were giving me mad props in their head.

Oh thank you! thank you! I thought.

I wish I would have been wearing a bra though. I also wish my hair didn't look like i had ratted the back only. I wish I would have brushed my teeth for the day, and wasn't wearing Jeremys pj pants and t-shirt. Make up could have helped too, who knows? I wish American Idol wasn't on the TV in the back round [i hate the show, i watched it because jeremy wanted me to record it for him] Oh well, that will be another prompting when the pope drops by. Or Zac Effron.

count your blessings name them, {name them one by one}. [Who else likes to sing the boy part in that song? Its so rebellious don't you think?]

no, you stop it.

2010-01-08T23:26:00.000-08:00

i've realized that i haven't been pregnant for a whole 2 months. that's it. just 2 months. two glorious months of being just me. except i never felt 100% free because i did nurse. meaning i couldnt eat whatever the heck i wanted. rumors of 'chocolate makes your baby hyper' or 'broccoli will give him gas' [oh shut up] and too much medication can be harmful through my breast milk. i was still a prisoner in my body.

and so it begins again. harassment asking if i've taken my pre-natal vitamin. threats telling me to put down the bottle of whiskey...and so forth.

where am i going with this? i have no idea.

i've realized i haven't given conrad a bath in over a month. he has actually had a bath, just not by me. just something i realized.

at night, when im laying in a dark room, the sounds coming from the baby monitor sound scary and ghost like. i sometimes listen really hard for voices...its super freaky.

i heard conrad laugh in the monitor and it warmed my heart knowing he was having a good dream.

i started to read the twilight books again tonight. i'm halfway through the third book trying to re-hook myself. it didn't really happen. but i really should know what happens before the 4th movie comes out.

i've realized my sister in law really bugs the crap out of me. like, really really presses my buttons.

i wish i was more like my grandma. i almost had the strong urge to call her tonight and ask 'how do you do it?'

i really cant wait to wear g's.

but really, most of all, i really really want me some in'n'out

and really, this post is kinda cheesy and try-hardish huh? its late and i feel try-hardish. and pregnant. and angry. and like sobbing. and laughing. and passing gas...

a few things

2010-01-03T23:08:00.000-08:00

conrad has slept through the entire night 3 nights in a row now! it only took us 6 months to get here, but i know its a blessing. it would be cruel if i had to make a bottle in the middle of the night to feed the baby. i cant even get out of bed to feed myself.

my milk supply vanished with this new baby. it breaks my heart. i miss nursing.

im sick with the flu and a little thing called morning sickness. i feel like dying every second of the day.

conrad has horrific stinky diapers now.

we had a great christmas and fun new years eve!

jeremy is an amazing husband/nurse/babysitter

dayquil is not fun to throw up, or slim jims.

remind me to wash the rugs because i urinated on them while i was heaving into the toilet.

i've realized men are helpless without woman. especially when it comes to a clean/stocked fridge, clean house, and opening the shades during the day and turning on lights at night.

the bachelor starts tomorrow! im very sad jake is the new bachelor though. ick!

i dont mean to brag or nothin'

2009-12-17T22:49:00.000-08:00

Buuuuuuuuut i threw up 7 times today.

i remember when i was first pregnant and i was at Jeremy's house. [not our house-wait, what?] and i kept throwing up over and over and over. i was so starving i had to keep eating every time i threw up though. i ate a green apple. threw it up. tomato soup-came out just as red. it was the worst night of my life, and i've never forgotten it.

Well today was the worst day so far this pregnancy. The best part is! I have to nurse in between throw ups. I also threw up chicken enchiladas and broccoli. I literally could have died just looking at it.

No joke, I'm about to go throw up. Wish me luck! Lucky number 8!

Dear Jan,

2009-12-08T15:32:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry my blog was private. I wont be wishy-washy about my blog anymore. I'll leave it public, just for you.

Love, Lauren

how rude!

2009-12-03T19:13:00.000-08:00

I think its really rude when my pants decided they want to stop fitting me and make me unbutton the top when I drive in the car.

Its so rude when Conrad wakes up several times a night. Clearly I'm sleeping and the sheets in the upstairs bed I lay in to nurse you back to sleep obviously make me gag because of the detergent they were washed in. I would never do that to him.

I think its rude when my body starts smelling like B.O. and the bar of soap in the shower is a tiny sliver of nothingness. And whats up bad breath? So i haven't brushed my teeth in 2 days...cant you last longer toothpaste?

Excuse me, society, please don't give me weirdo looks when I tap my break over and over at stop lights to make my car jolt forward. You obviously cant see I have a baby crying in the backseat.

Hey cardboard, it would be nice if you were wrapped in toilet paper at 5am because you see, I just threw up really hard, and couldn't control my bladder when I was bender over looking into the toilet..and...I think you get the idea...

So rude, when my hair decided it doesn't want to be sexy blond anymore, but black white trash roots, and split ends, and frumpy..and just horrible. Stop it! Its so mean!

I think its rude when my body one day chooses it wants to be fat, and my clothes turn into Baby Gap size, and I all of a sudden look way ugly. Has it been almost 15 months now? Yes.

Hey 'friends' thanks for not getting pregnant with me. I clearly need a support group. Stop being so selfish and get pregnant so I can talk with someone. So next time we schedule a lunch date, lets talk about when your ovulating and lets start moving!

long day.

2009-12-02T20:44:00.000-08:00

Let me tell you about it?

Jeremy left for Kentucky last night at 1030 for work. The next morning I get a text at 5am saying hes sick and coming home! Apparently breakfast burritos in the Detroit airport aren't good on the tummys? Go figure. [He threw up in his hands in the airport, all on his shirt, bags..it was so heartbreaking to hear]

He was so sick all day! Throwing up, the #2's [if you know what i mean]

All the while I'm running around taking care of him, and a teething baby [oh, my ears ring from cries] and I'm kinda sorta sick too. Oh did you hear? I'm pregnant. AGAIN. Which could lead me to tears from my hormones.

I ran to his Mothers to get some home cooked dinner which resulted in lots of people wanting to hold my baby who was happy before he left my arms..and cried and cried. Of course they thought they could stop him from crying [naturally] so an hour later..I got to hear it for another 2 1/2 on the way home and till he went to bed.

I came home. Threw up. Fixed dinner his Mom sent me home with. It was gross. Bathed the baby. Re-wetted Jeremy's cold wash cloth on forehead. Put crying baby to bed. Got the most insane craving for a Cobb sandwich from Claim Jumper, drove 40 mins round trip for it. Worth it. Ate it like I was a cast member on Survivor. Now I lay in bed next to a husband who just ordered something 'medium' in his sleep, asked for 'Mom' and hit me in the face 4 times now. And kicked me. And slapped me in the face.

Oh man, it was a day. I could have written it more dramatically, but I'm too tired. Because Im pregnant. Yep. Again. Did you hear?

[pictures of disneyland last week for thanksgiving]

longest week-night ever.

2009-11-20T20:03:00.000-08:00

I've been really sick all week. So naturally these past 2 weeks Mr. Baby has trouble sleeping at night. I feel like I just got home from the Hospital. No sleep, you are sick and grumpy and there is nothing you can do about it.

For example my night last night went a little like this:
Baby goes to bed at 8. I go to bed at 1030 and seconds [SECONDS] after I quietly, slowly, crawl into bed he wakes up. [Yes, he still sleeps next to my bed. I cant bring myself to put him upstairs. Mainly because Im too lazy to walk upstairs 1000 times a night]
I know exact times because I check my phone every time he wakes up.
Awake again at 12.
Awake at 1:15
And then 3.
And then 330.
And thats when I went upstairs to sleep and let him cry. He cried til 4am. I ran back downstairs to throw up. I need to clean my toilet by the way, staring down into that hole you realize how gross it looks.
Awake at 530.
And 6.
7.
8.
At this point I think I've slept for a grand total of 30 mins, maybe an hour? I put him in his swing til he awakes at exactly 10:18.

I fed him like 6 times last night to put him back to sleep.

Its been like this ALL week. I dont get it? Why isnt he sleeping? Hes 4 months for goodness sake!

Gah! I want a nanny. Anyway, Im now waiting for Jeremys flight to land at 1030 tonight for a long 11 day vacation. Our house is basically really messy. You know, Diapers on the coffee table from a few days ago, crusty bowl of oatmeal from Tueday, folded laundry from when Jeremy left last Monday, a baby tub on the counter with water from wednesday, an un-made bed of about 2 days, dirty clothes on the bathroom floor, a pile of baby blankets by the front door from sitting on the grass outside. Im a super amazing wife and I always have the house spotless for Jeremy when he comes home, and basically all week, but not this week sister. Uh- nah- ah. I need a maid too?

Hey guess who just woke up?

OKAY fine, I'll blog

2009-11-13T20:42:00.001-08:00

I got in a bad mood one night and made my blog private to err'body. Some people thought I blocked them out of my life, but I would never do that to you. Unless I hated you. So maybe I did block you out? Jerk

In honor of getting back into the swing of things-A story.

I flew home last week because I was lonely and sick.

Having the most AWESOME parents that I do, they quickly left me the next day to go to Disneyland for my [obviously the favorite] brother, Devin. Aka Kevin. Did I mention I was sick?
My Mom picked my Dad up 'down the hill' on the way to Disneyland. My mom had called to tell me they were on their way home and my Dad would be home a little before them because he was on his BMW Police Motorcycle with a shotgun on the side of it and a Hello Kitty bumper sticker on the back that says 'Hang in there'.

I lay my child to rest his sweet head and hop in the shower. I get out and here a knock on the door. My dads home. I go to answer the door in my VERY skimpy towel [Apparently I have no shame in front of my father] I open the door and my eyes have a hard time adjusting to the dark. No one is there. I stand mortified. Did I just open the door to a stranger in a very short skimpy towel, turbie twist on my head, and my face blotchy red all over from picking at my blackhead infested face?! -Nah, my Dad popped out from the side. He was just looking in the window to see if I was home. Phew.

He goes upstairs to the bathroom. I go back into the bathroom to continue to squeeze the black heads out of my nose. Haha

Seconds later another knock at the door. My mom is home now. Finally. It was 8:30 at night for goodness sakes! Still in my playboy towel I got to answer the door. My eyes adjust.

''Hi is Bishop Birkett home?'' Says the Missionary looking horrified as he glances down at my body.

''Uhhh yeah hold on'' I slammed the door in their face ran to the bottom of the stairs and yelled up ' DAD the Elders are here and I just answered the door in a towel!''

I sat in the bathroom too mortified to come out. Mainly because the pj pants I was wearing had a huge rip in the butt and I didnt want to put on my old underwear.

They converted me to wear clothes when answering the door. Thanks Elders

hi, im a psycho

2009-10-23T01:58:00.001-07:00

somewhere in between the baby crying his heart out, not being able to find my car keys, my morbid obesity of a body and thighs rubbing together [that seriously could start a fire with the friction i feel] while i searched with an annoying baby ringing in my ears [hes SUCH a baby sometimes] i lost my cool. i yelled at the top of my lungs 'STOP IT CONRAD. NO!' He stopped for two seconds. But I dont think he really understood me.

I searched through Jeremys top junk drawer for the spare set of keys. Success. On my way. Ahh, Frank Sinatra is on the radio. Baby is quiet. Mmmmmm

Oh whats this? Lanes are merging due to road construction? I'll be nice and slow down and not cut off any cars and merge my turn. OH WHATS THIS? A idiot stupid moron zooming up and not letting me in? I stare at him with anger. Fireballs were spitting out of my ears. He tells me to go behind him. oh. no. you. did. not.

i freaked out. FREAKED OUT.

Oh how I used my horn. I pushed hard. Honk.honk.honk. hooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnk. And then I stopped. And then just started again. On and off again I honked. My arms raised in the air yelling in the car. And maybe, JUST maybe, I forgot I was a lady and used a finger. Oh gosh, its so gross. Using 'the finger' at somebody. So un lady like. Really. But I was mad. I'm still mad.

He had NO idea what kind of day I was having. I was shaking I was so mad. I almost got out of my car to bang on his window. I think Satan himself was my co-pilot. He was telling me to find a water bottle in the back seat and smash it against his back window. Good idea Lucifer. Jeremy wouldn't be so mad if I rammed my car into his right? I mean, he would understand how rude this man was to his precious wife. -Oh I have a baby in the back seat. Fine, be good crazy Lauren.

I was so angry I cried.

And then, I made home made holiday cards at a woman's house and all was well. They are darling. Im such a domestic goddess.

The point to all this? None. I just felt like sharing how insane I am.

Oh, and I just drank an expired glass of chocolate milk. I think Im going to throw up.

opening hymn #124

2009-10-21T22:36:00.000-07:00

Often when the baby is crying i sing church hymns to sooth his little soul. As the song goes on i realize i don't remember some of the words and i make up my own.

i was just singing 'have i done any good in the world today, have i helped anyone in need? have i cheered up the sad, or made someone feel glad, if not i have failed indeed'

are all those words correct? seriously wheres a hymn book?

i sang that over and over. and it hit me hard. those words. HAVE i done any good in the world today? i felt this overwhelming need to do service.

im so lost in how/what/who/when to do it.

im hoping the oppurtunity will present itself sometime soon.

isnt that weird? do you ever feel the strong urge to reach out to someone? help someone? do something good for the world and you dont even know where to start?

prayers my friends, prayers.

im so boring.

2009-10-20T22:17:00.001-07:00

i haven't blogged it up in a while. is a week a while?

i haven't felt witty, or hilarious [who, me not funny 24/7?] i haven't felt inspired. sometimes i lay in bed and think about something to blog about.

i think about you blog friends. i deeply care about you.

you're like my second husband. we embrace via internet and fall in love everyday. sometimes i can almost feel your breath on my neck.... [i seriously don't know what I'm talking about]

it'll come back to me. just wait, one day. i'll be back.

update: the baby just cried himself to sleep. it broke my heart to let him cry it out, and i never have before, but it was bedtime. and then all of a sudden silence...
it made me more sad to here him stop crying. his mommy didnt come and rock him to sleep.

[see, boring. thats why i wait to blog. it needs to be really good]

denied.

2009-10-17T11:04:00.000-07:00

I made my blog private for a tad because some weirdo found my blog! Yuck.

Send me your emails so I can add you to my ever exclusive blog!

my back hurts..

2009-10-07T19:52:00.000-07:00

and I quote Jim Gaffigan.

Since Sunday at 3pm I have: gone on 4 walks, went to the park and 'played', did a major grocery shop in a grocery store im unfamilar with [took FOREVER] It took so long the baby got fussy being pushed around so I had to hold him while I pushed a heavy cart with one hand. Phew! Danced around the kitchen to music. Tummy time which results into a hysterical baby. Read countless childrens books. 3 very splashy baths. Sang songs. Bounced a 14pnd giant while he screams in my ear. Sat in front of the mirror and played. Made up stories. Layed on the bed and 'talked' to each other. Played on the grass outside and watched a friendly kitty. Went to the pool. Took a drive. Mopped and swept a floor that took 2 days to complete because of '20 min naps' twice a day. Felt like screaming at the top of my lungs, especially because I was PMS'ing [come to find out thats why I was so moody/angry/annoyed this past week. Not fair! Im nursing! What the heck mother nature] Woken up at night 2-3 times to comfort, hold and nurse. Sometimes the sun is rising and I'll feel like I just layed in bed.

But within these days I've gotten laughs, smiles, coo's, a baby that kicks his legs when I greet him to pick him up, a baby who looks for me in the room when I set him down [i love that]

Even when I want to yell, scream, and cry when he is too, eventually he does fall asleep and I regain my strength and feel like I can do this. I realized Heavenly Father blesses us Moms [or maybe just me] All I need is a quick 'break' or nap and I am ready to keep going and seriously so happy to do so.

I love being a Mom. Even if I am a 'single parent' all week while Jeremy works. It is, SO, so hard. But I do it. Aren't I incredible? I should be on Oprah.

Speaking of which. Who watched Oprah with Nie Nie? I cried 3 times. It made me appreciate being a Mom that much more and excited for life.

jobs part two

2009-10-01T15:05:00.000-07:00

who wouldnt hire this girl?

Remember how I smack talked my girl Erin [Hudson] Durr on jobs? She wrote out how many shes had, and I honestly laughed the whole time reading it. We worked together as telemarketers and she stopped showing up and I had to explain to them why she wasn't at work one night. [They knew we were roommates. ] I quit the next day. They probably thought we were so lame. But I got a 50 dollar check in the mail a few weeks later and she didn't. BOO YA!

Erin's Jobs:

Marriott- Didn't make it past the training video, and this marks my first attempt and failure of keeping a job.

Rite-Aid ice cream scooper- Finally quit after taking so many days off, like talk like a pirate day. Mortgage company telemarketer- Not so bad when you're on the other end.

Marie Callenders hostess

Norms hostess

Hollywood Video- Didn't make it past training. They were going to give me 6 hours a week. Plus I'd be working at Hollywood Video...

Pest control dispatcher- Tons of RM's, hubba hubba.

Tanning salon- Old people sweat=about 2 months.

Movie theater concession stand- Quit after 1 day, I had a pretzel thrown at me. No thanks.

Lexus of Riverside- Fired! Broke my heart.

Castle Park monster- absolute best best job, I got to get all bloody and scream for hours every weekend.

Castle Park Big Top- NOT the best job, 1 day.

American Eagle- Worked there over Christmas, with the 40% discount no one got presents that year.

San Bernardino Mitsubishi- Aka San Berdu Mitsu.

Mortgage company telemarketer...again- Quit after 1 day. They made me ring a bell and press a "That was easy!" button. One person said they were interested, and I hung up on them because I didn't know where to go from there.

Hollister- Didn't make it past training.

Spaghetti Factory- About 2 weeks. I hated everything.

Coffee Depot- Didn't make it past training.

Nanny

9th Street Eatery server

Ihop server

Ruby's server- The dress was fun, gaining 20 pounds over a year was not.

Denny's server- Students/homeless don't tip well.

Receptionist, not sure for what exactly- 1 day, secretly texted all day.

RCC Art Department- Laid off! Darn California.

RCC pre-school teachers assistant. This is me now :) and I'm in looove.

I knew there was a reason we're such good friends.

six months

2009-09-29T00:13:00.000-07:00

September 28th marks our 6 month anniversary! Normally I'm not the kind of person to care about the 1 month mark, or 2 etc...but I guess I got excited for the big 6-er

I woke up to red roses. My favorite.

All day I kept singing to him 'Happy Anniversary Happy Anniversary' like on 'So I married an axe murderer'

We talked about how life has many twists, turns and surprises and how grateful we are for them, because it led us to one another.

I love him more than I could ever love someone. I still get giddy when he walks in the room, or kisses me. He is seriously my everything.

I made us cupcakes to celebrate. 6 candles of course :]

jobs

2009-09-24T22:57:00.000-07:00

i've uh, had a few jobs in my day. there was the video store[fired], lake arrowhead resort[quit after my manager yelled at me in front of a british lady], Disneyland[no call no show=fired], Mimi's [Quit 2 hours before my shit], TGIFridays[fired], TGIFridays in provo[quit without 2 weeks notice.] record store [quit on the spot] Bj's restaurant and brewery [Quit over the telephone] There was the telemarketing place [i lasted ONE and a half days] Marie Calenders [walked out during a shift because I was asked to do MATH. came back, then i moved home about a month later] Brick Oven [uhh..lets not get into that one]

all of these jobs I've pulled the all famous 'sick day' call. you can probably imagine i had no problem calling in with that excuse. Faker or not.

well, karma has come back to bite me in the BOOTY. i have the hardest job on Earth [the Mom one] and i am in fact sick...and instead of calling off, or just quitting because its easy, i have to do it. its really not fun.

and isn't it so weird that the night i am so miserable and sick, and jeremy just left town earlier in the morning, my baby just felt like waking up at 1am, 4am, 5am, 6am, 8am, 9am..and jeez fine buddy, i'll get up at 10!

and isn't it WEIRDER [is that a word?] that my baby also decided to SCREAM scream and scream from 8pm-11pm and nothing would make him stop. NOTHING. and honestly, my baby never ever does that. nursing will at least make him be quiet and doze off to sleep if i pull that card, but not tonight.

yep. there is no quitting this job. i've officially used up all my sick days.

you should hear how many jobs my girlfriend erin durr has had though... :)

nyc

2009-09-21T19:14:00.000-07:00

leaving our room to see Phantom of the Opera!

i only wore that grey sweater twice, but it looks like i never took it off! or maybe i never did...

bang!bang!

2009-09-21T19:03:00.000-07:00

Oh I've wanted bangs like these ever since I watched the first episode of 'Jo and Slade: Date my Ex' [Awesome show!] [No its not]

Gah, I could never pull it off.

I'm an Aunt.

2009-09-21T18:59:00.000-07:00

He's so little!!

my love story.

2009-09-16T00:44:00.000-07:00

just one lonely night on the web i found my jeremy.
it all started with a few emails back and forth. followed by a 6 hour phone call. his deep voice made me go crazy while we would talk on the phone late at night. i had just moved home from Upland. i didnt technically have a room at my house yet, so i wondered the house from room to room while we chatted, scared my dad would wake up and hear me talking so late at night. we talked until my dad got up for work and kevin for seminary. [5am] i hid in the upstairs bathroom and talked by the clothes hamper when i'd hear my dad. finally i went into kevins messy room with clothes all over his floor, found a blanket, layed on the floor, hid under the blanket because a cold fan was blowing right in my face..and i stared at my phone hoping he'd text. seconds later 'J' [as he was known in my phone] texted: 'i really liked talking to you. i can tell you were raised by really good parents'. i fell asleep smiling -literally.
night two: 5 hour phone call..
night three: 3 hours...
and so forth..
there was never a pause talking to him. it was so easy and casual, like i'd known him all my life. [pause to throw up]

i had to meet him. seriously. i liked him. i already thought about maybe/kinda/sorta/perhaps moving to utah previously. but i vowed i'd never be one of 'those' kids who moved to provo. Jeremy talked about Utah and how much he thought i'd like it. SOLD. now to convince my ma+pop to pay for my gas, my brother to let me crash at his apartment, and his roommates to approve.

a week later i was on the road. i cant believe i had made it happen. i was excited.
we texted the whole 10 hours i drove. he kept checking in on me, making me laugh. he'd call a few times to say hi. the drive almost seemed endless, i couldnt wait to meet him.

the second he opened his front door i was relieved. he really IS this handsome. his voice really is this dreamy. his smile made me go weak in the knees.
we sat on his couch side by side, and just started talking like we'd known each other for years. we laughed like we were best friends. we talked til 3am about anything and everything that night. [we still had things to talk about even after talking for hours and hours and hours previously...dang]
he walked me out to my car. it was freezing out and it was very windy, and it was very romantic. sort of like a movie, my hair being blown around, he was hugging/holding me goodnight, and he planted a kiss on my lips.

i drove back down to provo dancing in my car and staring at my phone holding my breath for it to light up with a text just one last time.

'J' texted. and i was hooked.

to be continued...

I'm looking forward to

2009-09-15T00:21:00.000-07:00

Jeremy FINALLY coming home LATE Wednesday night . He's been gone since Saturday afternoon. I'm a newlywed, Hi, its torture.

My Mom coming to visit/babysit on Wednesday!

Baking pumpkin chocolate chip bread with her. She doesn't know we're doing this yet, but oh, she will.

Getting some NEW clothes sometime this week. I bought online [big mistake] So its taken me 2 long trips to browse Forever 21 and really pick out stuff I like before I purchase/return to the store the things I bought on the WWW.

NEW YORK.

Flying first class. flossy, flossy.

Buying tons of Halloween decorations to spice up this place. I want it to really feel like fall in Arizona. Is that possible? I hate that I'm not going to be wearing scarfs and my really adorable coats I have hanging in my stupid dumb closet.

Quality alone time with Jeremy. It is SO hard having a conversation with him sometimes because we will get distracted with the baby. Even if he's just sitting there, we often find ourselves staring at the baby and not speaking. Thus, I'm looking forward to a few hour long plane ride alone to talk his ear off.

Hearing ALL about one of my best friends wedding day/honeymoon when she gets home from it! And seeing her wedding pictures. So happy for her.

and finally, turning the channel from Oprah who is interviewing Whitney Huston. Blek, why have I left it on this long?

Click click BOOM.

somtimes...

2009-09-09T20:46:00.000-07:00

...randomly throughout the day i'll stop and think, i LOVE my life. i usually think that when i'm cleaing a messy house, the baby needs my attention and my phone is buzzing with a text from my love.

sometimes when all i want is for the baby to just SLEEP so i can get something done and he finally fades into dream land, i miss him and i want him to wake up. sometimes i dont even get anything done because i sit and stare in amazement at my baby. i love when he opens his eyes with a confused look on his face then he meets my gaze and smiles and coo's.

i love that every week i look forward to jeremy coming home. i get to pick him up from the airport and run into his arms and get that kiss i've been waiting for. i love that when we do finally get to sleep side by side its really special and not just an everyday occurance.

i love that sometimes the house is a disaster because i have to sit down and nurse, not clean.

i love that tonight my baby cried when i handed him away from me, and stopped when i held him again. he needed me, and not that other person.

i also love that i have a container filled with chocolate covered macadamia nuts that i will most likely eat all of.

Life is good.

trick or treat

2009-09-09T00:00:00.000-07:00

I could die, right now. Jeremy and I went to Costco today to grab some diapers and along the way we had to stop and dress Conrad up in the costumes they have out. I wanted to dress him up as snow white but that costume was too big. Also, hes a boy, so...

I love love love love love love LOVE him.

We also have this costume. [Jeremy thinks those things on his hands are for his hands, but I think they are for his feet. I let Jeremy win the debate. For now]

haagen dazs

2009-08-29T18:31:00.000-07:00

Who can resist? teeth or gums, they are addicting.

we may or may not have already bought 2 three pack boxes, then went to costco, bought the 14pack- ate 14 bars in 2 days, bought another 14 box the next weekend, ate the entire thing, and then bought 5 more 3 pack boxes. currently we have 2 left. [hugeoakies]

sex and the city. on TBS

2009-08-29T02:10:00.000-07:00

no other town in the whole forty eight can half compare to you.

i guess you could say jeremy's like my own daddy warbucks.

start spreading the news. we're leaving toda--err, in a few weeks. we are gitty and planning for our little adventure to the big apple. am i most excited about the food? maybe. don't judge me. reading blogs like this really gets my engine reving for our trip.

sorry hawaii, you're a big loser today. but don't worry, you're next.

you crowd. you cramp.you're still the champ.
Amen for NYC

shoes.

2009-08-28T00:22:00.000-07:00

my latest purchase.

Heres the 411 on Mr. Hall

2009-08-20T16:31:00.000-07:00

I just felt like using that as my blog title.

YOU GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUYYYYYS.

My life is SO rough. I mean, I have to choose between the following:

H A W A I I

OR

N E W Y O R K

Its so hard being me.

Here is my delimma. I've always wanted to go to Hawaii. I mean, always. But when I finally go I've always pictured me almost fainting from being so skinny and lack of nutrition to get that way. [kidding] But I did always picture me with a six pack in a thong bikini drenched in tanning oil. Right? Don't we all have that vision of me in your head? So, I can hard core diet for a few weeks but this pooch I'm sporting just wont go away in a few weeks. I can tell you that. And some of us aren't so privileged to have a TV show and have fans and then have a fan who has a Dr. husband who will give me a free tummy tuck [you know who you are, Kate Gosselin]

Mmmm, but New York. The city. The lights. The clothes. Ahh, the FOOD. It would be so Carry Bradshaw of me. I could roll play and Jeremy could be 'Mr Big' and I'd make 3 new girlfriends named Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte. Or I could be Kevin McCallister and stay at the Plaza hotel and order room service and go to Dunkins toy chest. Life would be good in new york for a week.

What would you do and why? Suggestions please. I'll accept pros and cons lists if so desired.

[p.s. the baby wont be coming :( He'll be with the Nanny]

boring.

2009-08-18T00:37:00.001-07:00

All throughout this weekend we have had Bj's pizza, frozen pizza, homemade pizza, frozen pizza again, and then leftover Bj's pizza. All in all, it ruled.

brkfast

2009-08-07T16:22:00.000-07:00

Oh my stars. Jeremy came home from working all week. So naturally I made home made waffles with strawberry's on top, syrup, maple bacon and orange juice. Wouldn't any respectable wife? We look down on cereal here.

[waffles by natalie fenn, syrup by meghan fenn. OH those Fenn girls.]

the syrup and waffles were SO good. I kept saying 'Mmmmmmmm' and kicking my legs with each bite.

and can i get some honeymustard too?

2009-08-07T05:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Jack,
I know we've been seeing each other for the past THREE nights now. Your number 16 combo with curly fries and a Dr. pepper seriously have hit the spot. I guess that's why I keep coming back to you. I even like how the first two nights I was in the exact same outfit and didn't even have make up on, and you didn't seem to care. But here's the thing. You don't pay for my meals, and $8.32 to hang out with you is just getting stupid. Sorry to do this to you, but I'm going to cheat on you with homemade waffles and syrup. This will make my husband happier too. He'll start to catch on when he notices my jeans no longer fit, and I just wont have it. Know that I always will think about you when I'm tired and don't feel like cooking. I love you.
Love,
Lauren

p.s. thank you everyone for the recipes. my mouths been watering all day, and i've written em' all down and made out a grocery list to get started. i'd love to have you over for dinner. ok, no i wouldnt.

Martha Stewart

2009-08-05T20:47:00.000-07:00

My process to get something to eat is sort of a long one. Before I leave the house I need to make sure the baby is fed so hes not fussy in the car, facing away from me. Its hard to hear those cries when you cant see what hes doing. But before I feed him, I have to wait for him to wake up. So that could be in 2 hours or 2 minutes? So I continue to clean the house starving to death. So he wakes up. I feed him. It takes a good 30 minutes. Or 40. Or 50, if hes fussy and I have to burp him a lot during the feeding. OKAY he's fed and burped. Now I put him in the car seat. I go downstairs and pull the car around and cool it off so its not a billion degrees hot in the car. I drag down the 100 pound car seat, buckle him up and off I go. I get home, walk the walk up to our condo, with a huge diaper bag, and bag of unhealthy food and drink. I'm sweating. Dig through the diaper bag in the heat for a few minutes wondering where I put the house key? I get in. Unstrap him. Put him in the swing. Drape a blanket over him. Phew, I finally get to eat. They put cheese on my burger. I hate cheese.

...Then it hit me. Eat IN.

I need some crafty delicious meal ideas. I'm so bad at planning meals. I always pick something elaborate and time consuming to make. I don't hate the idea of taking some time to make a delicious dinner though. So tell me blogger friends...share with me some good recipes! Breakfast, lunch, dinner, dessert? I want it all.

It would really help a new mom out of a bind :) Help me be Martha Stewart-ish, minus the monotone voice, cardigan sweater and outdated hair cut.

2009-08-04T14:43:00.000-07:00

Can I please have a list of rules and tape them to Conrads head?

I think some of the rules would state:

PLEASE don't stick your finger in his mouth. [isn't that a courtesy rule?]
Don't put your hands all over his face.
Don't look. Don't touch. Don't be near him. Don't think about him.

I'm overprotective, and I think I've got a bit of PMS hormones raging through my body.

Dont get me wrong, I LOVE that my family [aunts, uncles, cousins ect..] get to hold Conrad..its just the OTHER people who do it. I. HATE. IT.

I wish I was more gutsy and then I could say 'hey stupid idiot, don't stick your ugly gross finger in my baby's mouth. And it would be great if you wouldn't make a sarcastic comment about it later because I asked if you washed your hands.'

Thank you and good day.

datsmylittlebebe

2009-07-28T13:01:00.000-07:00

close to 4am. we decided to dress him up in ASU gear and Jer put his ASU shirt on.

first shower/nursing

Oh..I'll be real. This is hard core real deal raw picture footage. Sums up the first couple nights perfectly.

bad parenting 101

2009-07-27T13:24:00.000-07:00

Call me a bad mother. Go ahead. But after reading many of friends blog posts like- OMG LYKE I LOVE SUMMER. Today should I work on my tan or just eat otter pops and swim and see Harry Potter? With each line I'd read my blood would boil with Summertime jealously. I couldn't take it anymore. I wouldn't take it anymore. I had to take action.
Jeremy had a few free nights in hotels because he travels so much so I wondered if some of those hotels were perhaps by the beach? Oh baby. Indeed.
I chose Laguna for some random reason? We stayed right on PCH at this little hotel called 'the holiday inn' ever heard of it? Really nice. All sarcasm aside, it actually was really nice. How could it not be when its literally across the street from the beach.
I borrowed my aunts breast pump and pumped for 3 days to get the right amount or milk for Conrad to eat. You think my plans were to take this baby along? See, that's where you can call me a bad mother. I left him HOME! sucka! My mom gladly watched him. All week when he'd be crying late at night I'd just think..just a few more days and I get to sleep alllll throughout the night. I couldn't wait.
So we layed out. We ate at Wahoos fish tacos [i was craving Wahoos ever since I moved to AZ] we saw the 8:40 showing of Harry Potter, but we were both so exhausted I didn't really enjoy myself. Tired at 8oclock at night. I tell ya. A little bummed about that. BUT it was so amazing going to bed knowing I could sleep all night, except I did have to wake up to pump at 2 and again at 5. The pump didn't work the second time right away and I was horrified we'd have to drive home at 5am and Conrad would have to be my life-engorged-savor. But the pump worked a second later. Phew!
So, we woke up refreshed and headed to this AMAZING place called the pacific whey cafe. Holy smokes! I want to eat with all the rich yoga moms there every morning. I highly recommend the cinnamon custard pie.
To be honest, I missed Conrad but I wasn't a mess. It wasn't till the drive home I was more excited to see him the more I thought about him. I was too busy making out this weekend so that helped keep my mind off him.
A woman in my parents ward told me she hadn't spent more than 48 hours away from her kids in 10 years! My mom told me you really have to make it a priority to get away for some alone time. I agree! I'm going to be one of those moms where I send my kids off to boarding school and they like their nanny better than me because I'm too busy going to galas and throwing dinner party's. Sorry kids :) ....and by that I mean, Mom and Dad should always take out time for a little getaway dontcha think?

the waves were huge! you werent allowed in the water unless you had flippers. cha!

...i went in the white water...call me a rebel

have mercy

we love our child, i promise.

Motherhood.

2009-07-20T14:51:00.000-07:00

I guess it seems perfectly normal when you're staring out the window and you've realized someone has fallen asleep in your arms, mouth still open on your breast with your shirt down.

Is that being a Mom or wife?

P.S. it was Conrad who fell asleep on my breast, not Jeremy.

summer 09'! party!

2009-07-19T18:19:00.000-07:00

i cant tell you how much i love having a baby. i CANT tell you [or maybe i can] how much freakin' work it is.

its summer. everyone knows what that means. late nights, sun kissed cheeks, stringy salty hair, waiting in line for the 12o'clock showing of harry potter. except this baby is sorta cramping my style. -well, we do party all night long, me and conrad.

i want him to be at the age where he knows who mickey mouse is. old enough that dad can take him out on a boogie board, or mom can float him around in the pool. i keep thinking i want him to be that age, but the minute he grows out of his newborn outfits and diapers my heart will be sad. these moments with him are just too short and precious for now. SO i suppose harry potter and sunburns can wait till next summer.

so 8pm will mean pj time, diaper changes, final feeding before i lay his head down. another pj change..and diaper change, and another pj change. because, yeah he just spit up and went potty all over his clean outfit when mom was reaching for his diaper. 8pm no longer means its time to take a shower and put on make up for date night with Jeremy.

2am will mean waking up for another diaper change and feeding, rather than getting in for the night.

3pm is a perfect excuse for nap time. and then again at 5.

getting dressed for the day is semi pointless, seeing as your outfit WILL be peed, pooped and spit up on. maybe sometimes all at once.

taking a hot shower is the biggest luxury i've known for 2 weeks now.

the times where i get to rest my head on jeremys chest and hold his hand at night for an hour is the best feeling in the world...even if it does get interrupted by little moans, cries and whimpers.

so here we go summer 09'. lets party all night long. literally.

9 months

2009-07-14T15:16:00.000-07:00

I threw up. A lot. Morning. Noon. Night. I ached. My mouth had that rusty penny taste for weeks. I cried from morning sickness pains. I wobbled. Had leg cramps. Bathroom breaks 15 times a day. Struggled to get off the couch. Layed in bed for weeks with 'bathroom privileges' only. I had countless strangers check out my 'womanhood' more than I would ever want. Poked with needles. Delt with hospital food for 2 weeks. I hurled over in pain when contractions started.

Baby is born.

Pfft, bring on pregnancy again. That was a piece of CAKE compared to this 6pnd infant.

who woulda thought? those 9 months were a walk in the park.

June 30 I woke up at 7am with the 'its go time' feeling in my gut/stomach from cramps. By 9am Jeremys mom was picking me up to take me to the hospital. Jeremy was in Atlanta of course. We walked the hallways and talked the bachelorette while I'd hold on to the rails on the side of the walls and waited for a contraction to be over. By 3pm I got an epidural. Heaven. I felt like singing and skipping about once I felt my entire lower body go numb. I love catheters too. Seriously. Not getting up to go potty every 3 mins? Sign me up please. Jeremy arrived 9pm. Mom arrived 8pm. Baby Conrad was born July 1st at 3:40 am. Phew! I am tired.....still.